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Thread: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

  1. #51
    ATP Ace! Linda's Avatar
    South Coast

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    I agree too. This woman needs to be stopped before she does some serious harm. You should send in a detailed report (maybe discuss it with P first and ask him who to send the complaint to?).
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 09:54.

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    Alis (10-08-2017), JerryD (10-08-2017)

  3. #52

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    I really do think you need to write this up and put in a formal complaint. This woman seems dangerous to vulnerable people. It undoubtedly won't go anywhere, but having a complaint on her record means if there are other ones, now or in the future something might be done.
    The trouble is I'm terrified to complain about one of them incase it changes their mind about the child or us. I did tell The SW what she had said and he came out on Monday and ran through the rules again. Attempted to clear up any mess.
    Especially after he had ran away from his mum the day after seeing Her. We were taking his sister on a prearrrneged hike up snowdon. Her first mountain. The walk was great. B loved it. But when we got down the mountain and had signal again I had a message from his mum to say sam had ran off again. She said she'd told him not to tackle his younger brother because he's much bigger than him and S did it again. Then ran off when he was told off. She eventually got him back to mine but they had arguments and he kept storming out and coming back. Eventually we got home and he wasn't here. His mum left and kev got him back home. He was crying and upset but calmed after two hours and went to bed. The social worker wanted to talk to him about that too.
    Sadly his run off meant his mum said she wasn't watching him ever again so that cuts our support down. Long term it makes things more difficult and in the short term it means no birthday spoils. Though at this point I'd settle for an easy day lol .
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 09:55.

  4. #53
    Challenger Circuit

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    I think you need to get advice from Fostering forums, and find out who your advocate/Social Worker is. Navigating this particular system is a nightmare, which is why most people don't ever try. Power crazed, ignorant Social Workers don't help.

    There needs to be, and should be someone who is there specifically for you.

    There should not be this level of power imbalance.

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  6. #54

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Apologies if I am interfering, but shouldn't you also have a Social Worker or advocate whose role is supporting not S but you as you go through this process? It strikes me that the balance of power is rather unequal?

    If you have to deal with this apology for a professional again, could you get somebody from one of the independent foster support groups to sit in, or insist on the meeting being recorded.

    We used to have an organisation that supported parents in the process of getting their children statemented. Being on the wrong side of her was like being savaged by an out of control Rottweiler. I used to refer parents with particularly good cases to her.
    We are meant to be getting one, but at the moment it's a different person each time. She isn't going to be our social worker either though. She just came to give us more forms. We did the health and safety thing and the PNC check. Then today another woman came out with a local authority check, enhanced record check thing and medical forms. She explained the process a little further and took photocopies of 3 sets or ID for each of us away with her. The medical is a bit of a concern, you never realise how much personal information you have to share with them for something like this. It's really intrusive. I understand why it has to be, but it doesn't make me feel more comfortable about releasing my medical records. There are questions about your diet and exercise, health of your family, mental health questions, all kinds. This fostering thing is a just a series of tests. What I diescoverd today is that all we have done so far is just a viability test and not the actual assessment. That doesn't really start until they assign a social worker to us. They told me today, that someone and he would call me today and he'd be doing the assessment but he never did. We have to have 7 meetings with this guy and apparently the questions only get more personal (yippee).

    Hopefully we won't have to deal with E again as she was just a stand in for SW who is back now.
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 09:56.

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  8. #55

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    sadly the reason for writing so many posts tonight is that I found myself with extra time after he ran away again. We had great days mon, turs, weds. on Thursday Kev was heading for wo k after taking Wednesday off to help with S. Wednesday was great, I got everything done I needed to, I got to spend some time with my niece who had arrived on the Tuesday night but decided to stay over. I got to go to the gym and for a swim. We had a great time together too. On Thursday morning I got up feeling 100 times better thanks to kev's hard work. My neighbour knocked on to borrow my lawn mover and commented on how much better I looked. She said I looked less tired, less stressed and less old (thanks L lol). I did feel better too. After the social worker had been we played for a bit and then headed to gym...
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 09:57.

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  10. #56
    Challenger Circuit

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    I think it's important to focuss on the good days, and the little steps. S is obviously going to repeatedly run away, (for the moment at least). A good day is when he doesn't, a normal day is when he does.

    The gym and swimming sounds good (actually it sounds like hell on earth), but each to their own:-). Important to make sure you can keep that going as "me time". Whilst you are going through this, for S's sake you have to keep the machines that are you and Kev in the best possible working order.

    This is going to be a long haul. The marathon runner will win this battle, not the Usain Bolt.
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 09:58.

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  12. #57

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    He met his trainer for the first and he showed him a routine after checking his needs and abilities. I left them to it so he could feel more independent. After he had his session he wanted to stay longer so I let him. When we got home he asked for chocolate biscuits. I said no he could have them after dinner. He asked for more things he's not allowed then refused to do as he was told. I explained that we all have to do things we don't want to. He said "is it yeah? Well I'm going out then" I told him again that he wasn't allowed out without an adult at the moment. So he shouted at me, then swore at me, then stormed into the garden. As he climbed onto the shed roof L knocked on again. We both told him to get down. He vanished and then came walking down next doors drive with a change of clothes in his hands. I guess he jumped over the fence that separates our back gardens. Then over their gate. I told him that is he wasn't back in 3 minutes I'd have to report him but he just stormed past me, shouting. L is a lovely woman and rather than looking at me like some idiot who was doing a rubbish job (which is how I felt), she said "don't stress yourself kidda, you're doing what you can. What does he think he's doing talking to you like that" I tried to explain that as well as his learning difficulties he also lacks discipline. When he was younger everyone took a step back when he didn't want to do something and now that he's older he does what he wants. Whether it's refusing to get a shower for a week or not staying in when he knows and understands he's not allowed out by himself. A lot of the time he chooses to go along with the rules but sometimes he decides not to. I waited 30 minutes and reported him to 101 as per the rules laid out by the social worker. Then I called careline to tell them. They asked me what I'd done to trigger the behaviour which made me feel worse at the time but in the light of morning I see all I did was say no. We can't have him think he can do as he wants or that we have to yes or he'll run off.
    After 3 hours he was returned by the police and his mum's neighbour. He came in still in a mood and with a temper. His dinner was sitting on the table so I asked if he wanted it. That was a big fat no. So I said why don't you go get a shower and put your pjs on. I was told no because he was going out again. He'd only come back because the police has made him. He stormed into the back garden and Kev tried to talk to him. He wouldn't listen to him either. He just started shouting. So we left him to it. 15 minutes later we went to check on him and he was gone again.

    I felt so embarrassed having to phone 101 back, especially as the police officer who returned him seemed to think we'd done something as she asked us to try not to upset him when she left. The reality was it was still light, still warm, people he knew were still around for him to hang out with. He wasn't ready to be returned. Half an hour after he left the same police officer who had dropped him off called me back. I had to explain again, luckily they were understanding. Kev found S and tried to coax him home but he refused. When the police went for him he ran off. Kev tried twice more and eventually got him home after 11pm. He stormed up to bed, barging past me on the way. When we called 101 back to tell them he was home they were understanding. Careline ont he other hand asked again about triggers as if we could do more or they could do better. Eventually he went to sleep and we got robbed but it was a restless one. The police told us to lock the doors so he couldn't get out in the night. Luckily they agreed to do their safe and well check in the morning rather than come that early hours. Probably to avoid upsetting him and spending the entire night chasing him.

    He does understand that if he keeps running off they will move him. Yes it's great that it's now once/twice a week rather than everyday as it was at his mums. However they don't want to only see an improvement. They want him to stop running. This absence was a long one too, so it's a step back from where we were last week. He understands the consequences, but when he runs he doesn't think about them and he doesn't while he's out either. Usually they hit him when he gets home and he's then telling his social worker he won't run off again. Although last night he still wasn't bothered and he is still insistent on going out this morning.
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 10:00.

  13. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to JerryD For This Useful Post:

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  14. #58
    Challenger Circuit

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    I think you are going to be well and truly stuffed if you let yourself think you are doing a rubbish job, regardless of what well meaning police and other people might try to infer.

    I have not had kids, but there is no way in hell I could have restrained my Godson when he was 15, even if I had tried.

    As I understand it as Foster Carers any form of physical restraint would be little short of a hanging offence, as would locking him in. So there is actually nothing you can do.

    As for having rules, I would imagine not putting them in place would cause this placement to break down quicker than quick. It's the age old thing with kids, if they learn about rules when they are little, and you can physically contain them you are halfway there. An able bodied child that has not been given boundaries would be a nightmare teenager (I have known a few). A disabled child who is unable to make the connection between action and consequence is going to be worse. If the authorities want you to stop him running, then they need to tell you exactly how they propose you do it. Hold onto the fact that moving him into secure accommodation will cost them a fortune, so they are going to be incredibly reluctant to go down that route.

    I think reducing the amount of running in such a short time is pretty impressive. As for thinking you are making progress and then finding you have gone backwards - it can be soul destroying. That's the nature of the beast - both children and dogs.

    As Winston Churchill was given to say, you just have to KBO (Keep (swearword) on.

    You are doing amazingly - you haven't ripped that idiot Social Worker's head off, which counts as a win. Believe in yourselves S is (swearword), lucky to have you in his corner.

    The child I am teaching is suffering from severe travellers diarrhoea, and needs to drink vast amounts of fluid. She wouldn't do it for her mum or dad, or me even given a comprehensive, scientific explanation of why. She did however decide to do it for my dog. 1L of liquid = an ice cream for Millie. I have less influence than a dog......!!!
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 10:01.

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  16. #59
    Challenger Circuit

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    Jerry, I feel for you so much. What you and Kev are doing is incredible! It seems to me you are doing all you can. Keep the faith and keep doing what you're doing, that's all you can do.

    My great niece has cerebral palsy and went through a similar pattern of behaviour as a teenager when she kept running away from home and getting mixed up with no-gooders who took advantage of her. She went into foster care eventually too. She is now in her 20's, and has a good relationship with her mum although she never moved back home. She is incredibly thoughtful of others and has a good heart. She is still quite easily led and we worry about her getting taken advantage of, but she lives independently and has a job.

    It sounds as though S's special needs are more advanced but it goes to show that behaviour can improve and tough times do get better. Wishing you, Kev and S all the luck in the world Jerry xx
    Last edited by pabbers; 17-09-2017 at 10:01.

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  18. #60
    Challenger Circuit

    Re: JerryD will soon need a pacemaker...

    So 'interesting' to read your story, JerryD. Am in awe of the time and trouble you and Kev are putting yourselves through to help your nephew. I hope life gets easier, you get the support you need and that you can balance your own needs with those of your nephew. I doubt very much that anyone could do more.

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    Caro (16-08-2017)

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