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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #1
    Super Moderator pabbers's Avatar
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    Jokes Thread

    I do like a good larf!

    Quote Originally Posted by Linda
    A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Norfolk when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

    Bill looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Why not?"

    The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his Dell notebook computer, connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfed to a NASApage on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg .

    Within seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image had been processed and the data stored. He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

    Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turned to the farmer and said, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "I guess you can take one of my calves," said Bill.

    He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the boot of his car.

    Then Bill said to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thought about it for a second and then said, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a political adviser to the Westminster Government", said Bill.

    "Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how on earth did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....



    Now give me back my dog.
    [/size]
    Quote Originally Posted by Linda
    [size=12]
    Comedian Nick Helm has won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.

    The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

    1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

    2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

    3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

    4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

    5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

    6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

    7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

    8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

    9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

    10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

    Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.

    He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
    Maybe I'm strange, but I thought the best joke was the one that won the wooden spoon!
    Quote Originally Posted by cazza99
    "Weakest Link" answers

    Anne: The Grapple In The Apple, recently held in New York, was a debate between the journalist

    Christopher Hitchens and the politician George who?

    Contestant: George Washington.


    Anne: Name the man who was President of Italy until May 2006.

    Contestant: Don Corleone.


    Anne: What ‘T’ are people in a house paying rent to a landlord?

    Contestant: Terrorist


    Anne: No what please, we’re British?

    Contestant: Thank you.


    Anne: In traffic, what ‘j’ is where two roads meet?

    Contestant: Jool carriageway?


    Anne: Which part of the human body is closest to the floor when we are walking?

    Contestant: The head.


    Anne: A selection of small, highly coloured sweets is known as Dolly . . .

    Contestant: Parton.


    Anne: A wild guess is a shot in the . . . .

    Contestant: Arm.


    Anne: Which hot drink is ‘eat’ an anagram of?

    Contestant: Hot chocolate.


    Anne: Which ‘m’ describes exhibiting clothes or making Airfix aircraft?

    Contestant: Hangar.


    Anne: What four-letter word beginning with D has shelves and is used for writing on?

    Contestant: Table.


    Anne: How many wheels does a unicycle have?

    Contestant: Two.


    Anne: In comedy, Ernie Wise was frequently teased by Eric Morecambe for having short, fat, hairy

    what?

    Contestant: Hair.


    Anne: The action of which Shakespeare play takes place between dusk on January 5 and dawn on January 6?

    Contestant: A Midsummer Night’s Dream.


    Anne: Name the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The . . . what?

    Contestant: Mohicans.


    Anne: Which actress was married to Humphrey Bogart and is the also the cousin of former Israeli

    prime minister Shimon Peres?

    Contestant: Gene Kelly.


    Anne: What "U" is given to the name of a symphony by Schubert?

    Contestant: 1964.


    Anne: Which 1995 film starring Pierce Brosnan shares its name with a type of duck?

    Contestant: The Living Daylights.


    Anne: The adjective Rubenesque, meaning a plump, voluptuous, woman is derived from the work of which

    17th-century Flemish artist?

    Contestant: Aretha Franklin.


    Anne: In which film did Harry Lime say, ‘In Switzerland they had brotherly love and they had 500

    years of democracy and peace. And what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!’?

    Contestant: One Flew Over The Cuckoo Clock.


    Anne: What was the name of Madonna’s concert tour in 1990?

    Contestant: Blonde tart.


    Anne: Which insect is often found hovering over lakes?

    Contestant: Crocodile.


    Anne: Which animals build dams and lodges?

    Contestant: Sheep.


    Anne: In superstition, people salute which black-and-white bird when it is seen alone?

    Contestant: Penguin.


    Anne: What insect has many limbs — the name would suggest 100?

    Contestant: A giraffe.


    Anne: In Italian history, in 1919 which former journalist set up the Fascist Party?

    Contestant: Silvio Berlusconi.


    Anne: In the 1940s, which politician was responsible for the welfare state — William . . . .?

    Contestant: The Conqueror.


    Anne: In human development, what ‘B’ is the usual four-letter word for a newborn infant?

    Contestant: Wasp.


    Anne: In medicine, the phrase ‘contagious disease’ literally means an illness which is spread by

    which of the five senses?

    Contestant: Sight.


    Anne: What is the branch of medicine concerned with women?

    Contestant: Womenology.


    Anne: What force of nature is responsible for keeping the Earth, planets and asteroids in orbit

    around the Sun?

    Contestant: Delta Force.


    Anne: What is the name of the cord cut after a woman gives birth?

    Contestant: Biblical cord.


    Anne: A pain in the muscles or bones of the lower legs, often suffered by sportsmen, is known as

    Shin . . . . ?

    Contestant: . . . . dler’s List.


    Anne: In science, what is botany the study of?

    Contestant: Bottoms.


    Anne: In the Lord’s Prayer, what word beginning with ‘H’ meaning ‘blessed’ comes before ‘be thy

    name’?

    Contestant: (quietly) Howard.

    Anne: (incredulously) Pardon?

    Contestant: (louder) Howard.


    Anne: What word for an ancient Roman marketplace is also a site on the internet for open discussion?

    Contestant: Chatroom.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator pabbers's Avatar
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    Some more larfs

    Quote Originally Posted by Linda
    Where on earth do they get these contestants? :shock: :shock: :shock: I think I'll start watching it - sounds like a laugh a minute
    Quote Originally Posted by RoastLamb
    What is the answer to the Pierce Brosnan/duck question? :arrow:



    (I do love all these new emoticons!)
    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkeye
    Goldeneye.
    Quote Originally Posted by RoastLamb
    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkeye
    Goldeneye.
    D'uh! Of course. Thank you!
    Quote Originally Posted by supergran
    The answers are so terrible but so funny. I am always astonished at the lack of general knowledge on quiz shows. Some of these answers though are probably the first thing that entered their heads while being glared at by the "Queen of Mean". You would just want to disappear if you came out with answers like that. Still, I had a good laugh at them!!
    Quote Originally Posted by RoastLamb
    TOP 10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN

    1. This explains your car.
    2. I never saw one like that before.
    3. But it still works, right?
    4. Are you cold?
    5. I guess this makes me the early bird.
    6. Ahhhh, it's cute.
    7. Can I be honest with you?
    8. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    10. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    Quote Originally Posted by JAMES4578
    Hillarious :lol!: :lol!:
    Quote Originally Posted by AllyB
    My wife says we would have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

    Surely she means ‘fewer’!

  3. #3
    ATP Ace! supergran's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Being a little pedantic myself AllyB I love that!

  4. #4
    Challenger Circuit Madeline's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    So do I!

  5. #5
    Challenger Circuit Madeline's Avatar
    Location
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Posts
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

    4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

    13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to Madeline For This Useful Post:

    supergran (17-11-2011)

  7. #6
    Tech Mod KnightOwl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread



    Luckily only 1-5 sound familiar, otherwise the RSPCA would be after us

  8. #7

    Re: Jokes Thread


    Quotes


    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

    I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to
    the homeless and I donate money to the topless!

    One night I came home. I figured, I'll play it
    cool. Let my wife make the first move. She went to Florida.

    I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me,
    "Wait til it gets warmer."

    My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a
    mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

    When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
    father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled
    through."

    I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought
    for the west!

    My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

    My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

    My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
    friend.

    My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
    radio.

    One year they wanted to make me poster boy ... for birth control.

    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my
    finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
    electric chair.

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
    won't drink from my glass!

    My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just
    as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see
    the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
    negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went
    over. Nobody was home!

  9. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to cazza99 For This Useful Post:

    Linda (18-11-2011), RoastLamb (17-11-2011), supergran (17-11-2011)

  10. #8
    ATP Ace! supergran's Avatar
    Location
    St Helens, Lancs
    Posts
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Thanks Madeline and Cazza.....still laughing!

  11. #9

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Stupid Celebrity Quotes

    "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
    Christina Aguilera

    "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
    Greg Norman

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
    world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but
    not with all those flies and death and stuff."
    Mariah Carey

    "I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
    Linda Evangelista

    "The only happy artist is a dead artist because only then you can't
    change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush."
    Sylvester Stallone

    "I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are
    anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me."
    Jessica Simpson

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
    your life."
    Brooke Shields

    "What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?
    Paris Hilton

    "I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like
    eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa."
    Britney Spears

    "Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken
    by the sea."
    Jessica Simpson

    "I'm not sure if there was a key event that changed me but I first had
    sex when I was 14."
    Angelina Jolie

    "I've got taste. It's inbred in me."
    David Hasselhoff

    "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in
    the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a
    very deep place if it's true lightness."
    Alicia Silverstone

    "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a
    woman."
    Arnold Schwarzenegger

    "He speaks English, Spanish and he’s bilingual too."
    Don King

    "I feel my best when I'm happy."
    Winona Ryder

    "Where is East Angular, is it abroad?"
    Jade Goody

  12. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cazza99 For This Useful Post:

    Linda (18-11-2011), supergran (18-11-2011)

  13. #10
    ATP Ace! supergran's Avatar
    Location
    St Helens, Lancs
    Posts
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    I am truly lost for words!!!

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