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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #281
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element, Governmentium, has:
    a. 1 neutron
    b. 25 assistant neutrons
    c. 88 deputy neutrons
    d. 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312, compared with 13 for Unluckium.
    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
    However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
    A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
    Governmentium has a normal half-life of two-and-a-half years.
    It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
    In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
    This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
    When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

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  3. #282
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Two cannibals are eating a clown.

    One says to the other.."Does this taste funny to you?"


    ......

    A cannibal got home from work and found his wife chopping up a python and a 3' 6" man.

    "What's for dinner ?" he asked

    "It's your favourite" she replied" snake and pygmy pie"

    ..........
    The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

    There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

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  5. #283
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God saw it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God, again saw it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

    If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

    WOOF.

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  7. #284
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Wht d w wnt?
    Mre vwls
    Whn d w wnt thm?
    Nw!

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  9. #285
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
    He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

    The letter read:

    Dear God,

    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money,
    I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.
    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
    Christmas came and went.

    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read:
    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
    By the way, there was 5 missing.

    I think it might have been those horrible thieves at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna

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  11. #286
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Carlsberg joke probably the worst cheesy joke I've ever read:

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

    "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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  13. #287
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    The president came out the whitehouse and walked across the lawn on his way to the helicopter when a potential assign jumped out from behind a bush and levelled a gun at the president. The secret service agent reacted very quickly and shouted "Mickey mouse" the gunman turned away from the president and stared at him and was rapidly disarmed.

    The secret service guy was praised for his action and asked why he had shouted "Mickey mouse" to which blushing he answered that he had become nervous when he saw the gunman and he meant to say "Donald duck"

  14. #288
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN

    The only question asked was:

    "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


    The survey was a complete failure because:

    In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

    In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

    In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

    In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant..

    In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

    In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

    In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

    And in Australia, New Zealand and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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