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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #271
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    I have a sign made ready to erect when we enter Scotland tomorrow, it reads:

    Our mountains aren't just funny. Their Hill areas.

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  3. #272
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    I've thought about it and I've decided not to go Vegan.
    I feel it would be a big Missed steak

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  5. #273
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Despite the high cost of living it still remains popular.

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  7. #274
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    I have to say on the whole I'm quite happy with my hands.
    I know I can always count on them.

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  9. #275
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Visited my grandsons 1st house today and I asked him if he had a news paper.
    He said "we don't waste money on news papers It's the 21st century, here use my ipad"
    I can tell you now that fly never knew what hit it!

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  11. #276
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    One of the cancer doctors I work with tells this joke to his patients to make them smile ... they usually groan but it makes him seem human:
    What do you call a clown fish with cancer?
    Finding chemo

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  13. #277
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Talking of Heinz, there was a really interesting documentary on BBC about their factory at Wigan, if you missed it you can get it on ketchup.

  14. #278
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    I bought a pair of leather gloves and they arrived today, but they're both left.

    On one hand they're awesome, but on the other they don't look right.

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  16. #279
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

    It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

    She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

    “Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little brat is called Kevin.”

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  18. #280
    Challenger Circuit jagmad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    Scottish guy goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
    After a hard day on the slopes he retires to the bar at the bottom of the mountain.

    After 6 or so whisky's he looks up and sees a stuffed head with antlers on the wall.
    He ask's the bar man "What the hell is that?"
    The barman replies " A Moose?"
    "Holy crap how big are the ruddy cats around here?"

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