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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #131

    Re: Jokes Thread


  2. #132

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Entitled And then the fight started...

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man oh no... that must be my husband!'
    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
    He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....

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  4. #133
    ATP Ace! RoastLamb's Avatar
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    7,460

    Re: Jokes Thread

    A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
    The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
    "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
    "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
    "Like this?"
    "A little more..."
    "Like this?"
    "No. A little more..."
    "Like this?"
    "Yes. Does that hurt?"
    "A little bit."
    "Now stretch it over your head!"
    Andy. Rafa. Milos. What's not to like?

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  6. #134

    Re: Jokes Thread

    There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, so she swam all the way back!

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!



    The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."
    A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

    There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

    The smart-alec laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

    The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

    The smart-alec said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.

    After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."





    Last edited by JAMES4578; 26-09-2016 at 17:27.

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  8. #135

    Re: Jokes Thread

    BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"

    WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."

    BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."


    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

    You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
    Last edited by jagmad; 26-09-2016 at 17:22.

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  10. #136

    Re: Jokes Thread

    An elderly lady was sitting in her living room knitting when she heard a loud knock at the door.

    When she opened the door there stood a young vacuum cleaner salesman who immediately started giving her his sales pitch and strongly urged the lady that he be allowed to demonstrate the amazing power of the new vacuum cleaner.

    The elderly lady immediately responded with " I'm not interested and don't need one" and began to close the door on the salesman.

    The young salesman abruptly stuck his foot in the door and pushed it back open and proceeded to throw a bucket of horse manure onto the carpet inside the door and stated " If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean all of this manure off of this carpet I will eat what's left.

    The elderly lady replied "Just a moment, I'll go get you a fork" The salesman replied "Why?" to which the elderly lady replied "My electricity was cut off last week. I told you I didn't need one!"

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  12. #137

    Re: Jokes Thread

    The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


    The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."


    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window.

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  14. #138

    Re: Jokes Thread

    A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'

    The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

    Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

    The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

    The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

    The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

    His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

    The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ..


    But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a gay fella.
    Last edited by Hawkeye; 27-09-2016 at 15:46.

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  16. #139

    Re: Jokes Thread

    It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

    "Crap!" said the hypnotist.

    It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

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  18. #140

    Re: Jokes Thread

    The Chocolate Calculator !!!


    I was emailed this.....thought i'd share it!!



    DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
    It takes less than a minute .
    Work this out as you read ..
    Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
    This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



    1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)




    2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)





    3. Add 5





    4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator





    5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1766 ..
    If you haven't, add 1765.





    6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.






    You should have a three digit number









    The first digit of this was your original number
    (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).










    The next two numbers are

    YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

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