Sir Andy Murray, OBE. World No 1
Wimbledon Champion 2013 & 2016
Olympic Gold & Silver Medallist, USO Champion 2012
Team GB - Davis Cup Champions 2015
Olympic Gold Medallist 2016
BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2013, 2015 & 2016
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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #11

    Re: Jokes Thread

    I say, Holmes

    "What sort of school did you go to Holmes?"

    "Elementary my dear Watson."


    "What is this large woody shrub, whose trunk is made of fire and its
    branches are made of water, air and earth, Holmes?"

    "It's an Element tree, my dear Watson."


    "I like your yellow porch Holmes?"

    "It's a lemon entry my dear Watson."


    "What is this chunk of limestone, Holmes?"

    "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."


    "I have a terrible indigestion in my gastrointestinal tract Holmes."

    "It's alimentary my dear Watson"


    "what is your favourite cheese Holmes?"

    "It's Emmental-ary my dear Watson"


    "How the deuce do we deal with Professor Moriarty, Holmes?"

    "It's eliminatory my dear Watson."


    "I say Holmes, did Ellen say she was voting Conservative?"

    "Ellen meant Tory my dear Watson"


    "what did your accountant say, Holmes?"

    "It's hell monetarily my dear Watson."


    "What does the Conservative MP have to pay to his ex wife, Holmes?"

    "Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

  2. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to cazza99 For This Useful Post:

    Helen40 (22-09-2013), JAMES4578 (06-12-2011), pabbers (02-12-2011), RoastLamb (29-11-2011), supergran (03-12-2011)

  3. #12
    ATP Ace! supergran's Avatar
    Location
    St Helens, Lancs
    Posts
    6,620

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Cleverrrr!!!!

  4. #13
    ATP Ace! Linda's Avatar
    Location
    South Coast
    Posts
    9,311

    Re: Jokes Thread

    I'm passing this on because it worked for me. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives.

    I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Sancerre, a bottle of Glenfiddich, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. You haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sen this 2 all hoo need inna pis. An telum u luvum.

  5. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Linda For This Useful Post:

    Helen40 (01-07-2012), JAMES4578 (13-12-2011), pabbers (14-12-2011), RoastLamb (13-12-2011)

  6. #14

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Brilliant

  7. #15
    ATP Ace! RoastLamb's Avatar
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    7,670

    Re: Jokes Thread

    I'm going to put that on facebook.
    Andy. Rafa. Milos. What's not to like?

  8. #16
    Super Moderator pabbers's Avatar
    Location
    Near Cardiff
    Posts
    7,417

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Love it!
    Pat xx

  9. #17

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Always read the instructions

    On Pick n' Pay's peanuts
    "Warning: contains nuts."


    On Clicks Children Cough Medicine
    "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."


    On a Woolworths Bread Pudding
    "Product will be hot after heating."


    On a Clicks hair dryer
    "Do not use while sleeping."


    On a bag of Simba Chips
    "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!"
    (Details inside.)


    On a bar of Dove soap
    "Directions: Use like regular soap."


    On some Checkers frozen dinners
    "Serving suggestion: Defrost."


    On the packaging of a Rowenta iron
    "Don't iron clothes on body."


    On Nytol Sleep Aid
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness."


    On some brands of Christmas lights of Eastern origin
    "For indoor or outdoor use only."


    On a Japanese food processor
    "Not to be used for the other use."


    On a SA Airways packet of peanuts -
    [1] Open packet;
    [2] Eat nuts.


    On a child's Superman costume
    "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."


    On a Korean kitchen knife
    "Warning keep out of children."


    On a German chainsaw
    "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."


    On Woolworth's Tiramisu dessert
    "Do not turn upside down."
    (printed on the bottom)

  10. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to cazza99 For This Useful Post:

    Helen40 (01-07-2012), Linda (14-12-2011), pabbers (16-12-2011)

  11. #18
    Challenger Circuit
    Posts
    1,338

    Re: Jokes Thread

    If only i'd read the instructions on my chainsaw ....

  12. #19

    Re: Jokes Thread

    The off-topic queen strikes again ...................

  13. #20
    ATP Ace! supergran's Avatar
    Location
    St Helens, Lancs
    Posts
    6,620

    Re: Jokes Thread

    I've got one...On Bold Sparkling Pomegranate & Orange Blossom liqui-tabs (quite large): Avoid contact with eyes; if swallowed seek medical advice!!!!!

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