Sir Andy Murray, OBE. World No 1
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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #221

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Jerry said she was leaving last night because of my OCD.... I said fine, leave .....

    ...and shut the door five times on your way out

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  3. #222
    Super Moderator Hawkeye's Avatar
    Location
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    I've got CDO. It's like OCD, except all of the letters are in the right order.
    Hawkeye always has the last word.

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  5. #223
    Super Moderator Hawkeye's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon.
    Hawkeye always has the last word.

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  7. #224

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Medical Charts
    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

    The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on
    patients’ medical charts:

    1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
    year.

    2. On the second day the knee was better,
    and on the third day it disappeared completely.

    3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
    she was very hot in bed last night.

    4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
    1993.

    5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
    be depressed.

    6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
    forgetful.

    8. The patient refused an autopsy.

    9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

    10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

    11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
    with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
    pregnant.

    14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
    might like to work her up.

    15. She is numb from her toes down.

    16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

    17. The skin was moist and dry.

    18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

    19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

    21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
    until she got a divorce.

    22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
    therapy.

    23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
    job as a stockbroker instead.

    27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

    28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

    29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
    sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

    30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

    32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

    33. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

    34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

    35. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

    36. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

    37. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

    38. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

    39. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

    40. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

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  9. #225

    Re: Jokes Thread

    How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?....

    Probably a number too obscure for you lot to understand

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  11. #226

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by KevD View Post
    How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?....

    Probably a number too obscure for you lot to understand
    Sounds familiar Kev though certainly don't mind,keep them coming when you get the chance!

  12. #227

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Maybe he ran out and went back to the start lol

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  14. #228
    Challenger Circuit
    Posts
    1,338

    Re: Jokes Thread

    I was going to apply for a job with Citroen last week but they wanted 2CVs.

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  16. #229

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Tried to get my jumper off but the buttons were stuck so tried to pull it over my head but it got stuck... in A&E now....
    Waiting to see the cardyologist.....

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  18. #230

    Re: Jokes Thread

    A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

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