Sir Andy Murray, OBE. World No 1
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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #21
    ATP Ace! RoastLamb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    On a Japanese food processor
    "Not to be used for the other use."


    Andy. Rafa. Milos. What's not to like?

  2. #22
    ATP Ace! RoastLamb's Avatar
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    Ontario, Canada
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    7,460

    Re: Jokes Thread

    THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!!

    Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she... ............was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates...
    Last edited by RoastLamb; 10-02-2012 at 14:15.
    Andy. Rafa. Milos. What's not to like?

  3. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to RoastLamb For This Useful Post:

    cazza99 (09-02-2012), galagirl (10-02-2012), Golden Lady (10-02-2012), Helen40 (01-07-2012), Linda (09-02-2012), pabbers (15-02-2012), Sallydaisy (29-02-2012)

  4. #23
    Challenger Circuit Golden Lady's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    brilliant RL!

  5. #24
    ATP Ace! Linda's Avatar
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    South Coast
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    8,817

    Re: Jokes Thread

    The award for the funniest joke of the year has been won by:

    Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/16959243

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    RoastLamb (20-02-2012)

  7. #25
    Challenger Circuit Madeline's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God said that it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God, again said that it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

  8. The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to Madeline For This Useful Post:

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  9. #26

  10. #27
    ATP Ace! Linda's Avatar
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    South Coast
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    Re: Jokes Thread

    A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    ''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man, "how did you know?" ''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk".

    The man below responded, "You must be in Management". ''I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" ''Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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    Helen40 (01-07-2012)

  12. #28

    Re: Jokes Thread


  13. #29
    Super Moderator pabbers's Avatar
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    Near Cardiff
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    7,292

    Re: Jokes Thread

    How true!
    Pat xx

  14. #30
    ATP Ace! Linda's Avatar
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    South Coast
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    8,817

    Re: Jokes Thread

    Although I actually think she could have been a politician as much as management.

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