JerryD will soon need a pacemaker... [Archive]

JerryD

02-08-2017, 15:28

Some of it is about changes, but the running off went on everyday at home, it was usually about not wanting to do things and asserting independence, pushing the boundaries. It's one of the reasons he is here. After 3 weeks of outbursts and tantrums, running off and attacking people, his mum and siblings were struggling. He has always been one who doesn't want to do his numbers and letters. His school let him leave it if he doesn't want to, in order to avoid "kick offs" (their words), as a result he has only done them with me for years. On a bad day he only does 15 minutes on a good day he does more but in short sessions. It seems bizarre but it is something he has to get used to, doing, same as he has to get used to doing things he finds hard or dull. He did it all the other times but yesterday he wanted to go out. It wasn't really about the work either. He doesn't like that he isn't allowed out on his own. It's not my rules but I am the one who has to push it. He wants to go and hang out with people he thinks are his friends. But they just use him and et him into trouble. He doesnt know any of their names. But they tell him to do things for him because he won't get in as much trouble.

He isn't allowed a mobile as he just kept calling 999 in the past. Usually he is around the same places. So we know we're he is. Friends and neighbour's see him every 20 minutes. But if he isn't ready to come and you go to ask him to, he just runs off again. He never goes far, just the few streets between here and his mums. Never more than 10 minutes walk from either. But the rules are the rules and I have to report him missing even though o know he's not far and will come back. Then be treated like a time waster by the police no matter how many times I tell them I don't want to do it this way but it's not my choice. He would notice anything in his pockets and doesn't like people touching his things. Yesterday the police were suspicious when they returned him and he had an Apple box in his pocket. I had to explain that he takes his most treasured posseions with him when he runs off. They probably thought he'd stolen it!

Today aside from my persistent stomach bug We are having a good day. Hopefully yesterday was the only run off for this week as the foster care team come out on Friday.

patlowe

03-08-2017, 08:17

Teresa

03-08-2017, 08:39

Could you tag his apple Box, and other important items to him? Does he use a walking aid? Would he fall for "the we are tagging them because we don't want you to lose them line". He might not twig, he himself is actually being tagged.

I admire what you are doing. Children like your nephew are very challenging. I see where you are coming from in the letters and numbers situation, but maybe agree a short break - just a couple of weeks, whilst he settles, and you get your guts sorted out. Could you then tell him he can decide when he is going to do them, but he has to chose a time? Give him a feeling of being a bit more in control- of being a "big boy" now.

Good luck tomorrow.

JerryD

03-08-2017, 11:14

Jerry you are having a really challenging time and by the sound of things, you are doing a great job. I admire you for that. But I am also concerned about your own health. If you haven't already done so, I think you should see a doctor. Your tummy bug seems to be hanging around a bit long and I'm sure there must be something to at least alleviate your symptoms. It must be hard to cope when you are under the weather yourself. You take care! x

Thanks pat, for your kind words and your concern. I hadn't seen a doctor as I'm one of those give it a week and if it's not better give it another week, types. I have tried increasing how much water I'm drinking, which is helping. Peppermint or ginger tea seems to help in the short term and hot water bottles at night. I just need to up my sleep. I know I'm also not getting in my usual level of gym time which sometimes makes my digestion feel sluggish. I suspect it's a mix of stress, not enough sleep, varying meal times and change of routine. Tuesday for example I ended up having breakfast really late missing lunch entirely and having dinner late, as S ran around the roads between here and his mums.

Yesterday was a good day, S got showered and dressed and made his bed. We went for a walk as I wasn't up to swimming with my tummy. We played in the garden and we had letter and number games. He enjoys that more than the worksheet based stuff which is dull. He still remembered the new letter, K from last week. When he saw it he told me it was kicking K for uncle Kev. KevD is his favourite. He told me yesterday, when he was skipping because Kev was coming home for the third night in a row. A blooming long drive from gaydon to Liverpool. Not sure how he does it. He had "telly time" which is something I'm not a fan of but he's 15 and all teenagers love telly. He's obsessed with a show about people who upgrade cars and put body kits and stuff on them. That and cops or traffic police for the car chases or anything dinosaur or shark related. 2 of his siblings came over and we did some crafts and drawing. It was his mums birthday so when she came she had cake for him and he had a card he's been working of for days for her. It was hard for him. The words he didn't know he just copied because he want to do it himself. I cut all the letters needed for the card and he asselmebed the words he knew, like a puzzle. Then he wrote them out. He had a few goes at drawing pictures because he wanted the flowers to be the best he could do. His mum was so happy with it. He was over the moon and said he was the best of the kids because his card took the most work when others just went to the shop :) lol

Later his mum came back to takw him to see his older brother for a bit. My belly was still bad so I didn't want to push it too much, but I took the opportunity to go to the gym for the first time in two weeks. I didn't manage more than 40 minutes. Only 15 of which were running before my stomach hurt. I still felt much better after I stopped, and was hungry for the first time in days :) It must have helped because today I didn't wake to cramp spasms in my calf. S is having a very slow loving day today though, it took me an hour to get him out of bed. Then he was 45 minutes eating his breakfast. An hour he went to get ready. After 30 minutes I went to check on him but he said he was picking his clothes and would be down when he was done, there is still no sign of him. I'm sure I'd fail the foster assessment if they turned up now, nearly 12 and he's not dressed. There is no point in rushing him though, even if it looks bad.

He doesn't have a walking aid, he had a series of successful operations that mean he can walk without one, though with a prounounced limp. He has a series of pins in his leg to help straighten it. I have to say the NHS were incredible, so many children older than sam with the same level of CP can't walk but new treatments, physio and operations together were a miracle. He is now enrolled on a treatment of Botox for his arm at whiston hospital, but he hates it so he's missed the last two appointments.

He does pick what time of day we do letters and numbers. He picks which leaning games we play. He also picks he two day he has off a week. He would sooner not do any as he says he doesn't want to read or know numbers. Sadly he keeps telling me that his school day he can get DLA all his life so he doesn't need to read because he doesn't need a job when hes big. Though he moans about it, he is always proud of himself when we finish a slot, whether it's a worksheet or learning game. Then he's in a hurry to show everyone or tell people.

Ah finally here he is ..

cazza99

03-08-2017, 11:32

If you go to a GP with a tummy bug they usually just tell you not to eat any food for 24-48 hours and drink lots of fluid.

Caro

03-08-2017, 13:57

RosieBear

03-08-2017, 14:15

Jerry, I think you and what you're doing is phenomenal. Lucky S to have such a great aunty. You know, I read your and SG's posts and I'm awestruck by the capacity for caring and selflessness. (my little dog is the extent of my responsibility in life :-/ ). Hope your tum feels better soon, stress goes straight to the belly for some so heed Caro re IBS, but hopefully you can feel better all round soon. Take good care Xx

patlowe

03-08-2017, 14:34

Jerry your description of your life at the moment is making me feel ill just reading it! It's little wonder you feel so poorly. Please slow down and put yourself first at least some of the time. I know that is easier said than done, but hey, S needs you in good health! And we want you in good form next month in Newcastle! Look after yourself! x

JAMES4578

03-08-2017, 19:04

Like others I think you're doing an awesome job Jerry for S in the circumstances (with help from Kev), however seems pretty demanding and it is a lot to take on. You do also need to take care of yourself and the tummy bug could well be a sign of stress, hope it is not IBS though. Must say the "system" in this case is hardly productive!

JerryD

03-08-2017, 20:31

I'm glad today is a better day Jerry. I hope it continues that way. You are amazing doing what you're doing.

The nurse in me just has a thought about the "tummy bug" .... they rarely last more than a few days. You should try and see your doctor. Could it be IBS?? Take care of yourself xx

Thanks Caro, he has been good. Really good actually, today is the second good day. As well as being good with his work and his jobs, he played nicely and sat calmly. He was chuffed showing his mum his work, and telling her what letters he knew. We went swimming which he loves, though more the messing than the swimming as it " makes his poorly leg tired". They let him in the jacuzzi and the sauna too, so he felt really grown up. When we were in the car on the way home I told him Uncle Kev would be home when we got there, he couldn't wait to get back. Kev was a star after a long day and a return trip to gaydon, Kev sat and looked at his work, then listened when S told him the letters he knew. Kev told him how well he was doing, and he was over the moon. He thinks Kev is the best thing ever!

I'm really not sure what the stomach thing is, first I thought tummy bug, then stress. It's not something I've had before, it feels like when I had appendicitis but that resulted in my appendix being removed so it's not that. My doctor is horrible so I avoid going. When I went before Peru she decided my migraines were a result of the 6lbs I'd put on since the last time I'd been. 6lbs isn't a great deal, but she took the time to be shaming and nasty over it. When I went after a kiloid scar changed shape and colour, in addition to becoming irritable she just told me to keep it out of the sun. As that one is on th inside of the top of my arm, it doesn't catch sun. She's probably the best of 3 bad doctors there. If I go, shell no doubt say it's because despite being a size 10 I am still 5lbs overweight on the rubbish bmi thing! So I'll give it another week and wait for things to calm and see then.

JerryD

03-08-2017, 21:30

Thanks all for your kind words. It certainly wouldn't be possible without all kev's hard work too. I always said my job was dull but the bright side of it now is being based at home I can take care of S without too much worry about childcare. Financially it's far from ideal as our budget just changed dramatically but luckily we can still manage. It's insane the amount of food this lad eats ;p

Tomorrow is another big step, the first visit from the foster care team. I've been panic stricken about the state of the house, repair work that's needed or whether we will pass the test. My mother had many of her own issues, her behaviour worsened after she and my dad went their separate ways. So I went into foster care myself as a teenager. The initial form I had to fill in asked if you had ever been in care and I had to say yes. Since then I've been worried that they will turn me down because of it. Personally I think it gives me a better understanding of how things are for him. I was obsessed with my personal belongings, someone taking them was the worst thing in the world. I would respond with sadness, sam responds with anger but is as attached to his things. This is why he takes them when he goes out, or hides them in his room. There is a big checklist for every room in the house. So I find myself questioning the house I always thought was lovely, kicking myself for not yet getting to the new bathroom suite or new carpet in S's room. It all feels like a big test. We have been reassuring Him that it will be fine, though I guess he is feeling it as he asked me if he should clean his bedroom window lol. I'm trying to keep it from S but I am nervous. I guess it's going be a long run. They said it could be 16 weeks before it "goes to panel" though no one has really explained what that means either. Fingers crossed for tomorrow anyway.

Tomorrow night two of His siblings are staying here so we are going to have a film night and easy dinner and relax a little. Then Saturday morning S's mum is coming to have sam while we take his sister on her first hiking trip. We've promised becky this trip, besides S will have a great day with his mum and little brother.

I have a full day of spoiling coming up. It's my birthday in just under two weeks, we aren't going away as planned, his passport is out of date, and we can't wander of and leave him for 5 days. We are going up to the lakes for a day trip. Just Kev and I. Spending the half the day walking and going for lunch somewhere. Then coming home and Kev is taking me to the new Gino D'acampo restaurant in Liverpool. Probably getting my favourite cake made up too :) I'm really looking forward to it :)

Josephine

03-08-2017, 21:31

You could try Buscopan. It is very effective - no bad side effects either. Then if it doesn't help, may be time to see the doctor. Stress can have so many physical effects.

Jan62

03-08-2017, 21:59

Gosh Jerry, what an incredible thing you are doing helping care for your nephew. I'm exhausted just reading your posts. He is very lucky to have you and Kev. Hope everything goes well with the assessment, will be thinking about you.

Stomach issue does sound like IBS, which is definitely made worse by emotional stress. My unsympathetic GP also basically told me it was in my mind and I was neurotic so I totally understand your unwillingness to see your GP. If it is IBS it's trial and error to see what foods make it worse or help. Typically wheat and dairy can make it worse; for me its also tomatoes, mushrooms and onions which is very annoying as being veggie they make the basis of a lot of meals! But if things don't improve you must try and get medical advice; Dr Google and well meaning friends aren't really a substitute ☺

ljs

03-08-2017, 22:14

Jerry:grouphug:

what a wonderful aunt you are , hope your sister appreciates all your doing !!!!!

JerryD

03-08-2017, 23:11

Thanks guys but to be honest I don't deserve the credit, there weren't any other real options, it was ours or a residential facility until his moods and behaviours could be improved and until his household could be better advised on how to handle him. They don't want to return him home without a lot of changes including extra support for mum. We certainly couldn't see him go to a facility for children far worse than him without trying all we can. Maybe we are wrong and his behaviour isn't manageable, but he deserves that chance. Perhaps it's ignorance or as my cousin called it arrogance, but I do think that there are improvements that can be made. Routine, diet, exercise, better sleeping patterns, fresh air, mental work, none of this is a magic cure and it's nothing new but they are all things he benefited from last time we had him. In 3 weeks we had no tantrums, no run offs, no real anger, mainly frustration. I wasn't expecting the run offs we've had this time, but he is testing the boundaries and settling in, he is aware that it's not just a 3 week respite. Last time we held off getting him a wardrobe and drawers, we didn't want to panic him. This time we all know it is different and we have to help him understand that. Getting a wardrobe might be a tough moment of realisation for him but as no potential return dates or support/training for mum and siblings has been mentioned then it will be a while, so he needs to be prepared for that. The social worker said that a return home was an IF at the moment, not a when and that I needed to explain to S that he lives here now. Easier said than done though. Especially when he is starting to imagine that his mum doesn't want him. To push the idea home the social worker said if He runs to hers she's not to let him in. She has to tell him to return to me. Again all very well in theory but heartbreaking for S and his mum. Then horrible for me when he comes back and says I've stolen him. It's a long road and a bumpy one. We are all just hoping for the best and trying all we can.

Genbrit

04-08-2017, 02:08

Wow Jerry. I'm full of admiration for you. Apart from your health issues you seem to have a handle on this. I hope you can start to feel better within yourself so that you are stronger to deal with this. I have no doubt that you are a fighter and you will get there. My thoughts and best wishes are with you, Kev, S and your sister and family. :grouphug:

hfwardhouse

04-08-2017, 11:58

You're an inspiration Jerry. Hope all goes well today and common sense prevails. Routine is so important for all kids, and so are boundaries and you're doing so well to manage all of this with S. He will come to appreciate all you're doing. Thinking about you all x

Linda

04-08-2017, 13:26

Jerry, I've just been reading through this thread and like everyone else, I am really impressed with what you are doing but also worried about your health. You really must change your doctor, she sounds awful. How dare she say you are overweight - most of us would love to be as slim as you. The BMI thing is rubbish 'cos muscle weighs heavier than fat, so athletes would all be classed as obese under that system! You have probably just got a healthy bit of muscle on you! Anyway I hope all goes well with your nephew.

Caro

04-08-2017, 14:02

Your GP does sound awful Jerry. I don't blame you not wanting to go and see her. I'd be tempted to change surgeries I think. Bloody cheek, you are not overweight! xx

lynne

04-08-2017, 16:22

WQW! Like everybody else on this thread & who I totally agree with, you have my full admiration, not a lot of people would do this especially one so young as you are, so Jerry all I can say is stay strong & the very, very best of luck!!:thumbup:

cazza99

04-08-2017, 17:00

I hope it all works out OK for you JerryD. Looks like it is time for you to change your GP practice.

JerryD

07-08-2017, 09:58

We had the first assessment and it was a headache from the start. The social worker attending on The child's behalf called at 9.30 and asked if she could come to see me. I told her she was at 10am. She insisted that wasn't the case and I told her I'd been given her name by both her boss and the foster care team as someone attending the assessment. We went round in circles and she insisted she had no such appointment and couldn't make it in time. I pushed back that we had cleared our schedule for this, Kev had taken an unpaid last minute notice day off work and we needed it to go ahead as agreed. She got off the phone and then called back to say she still had no knowledge, so I pushed back again. The third time she called she said she'd "moved things around" and would come out but would be 40 minutes late. Had she come when we first spoke she would have been early!

The foster care social worker knocked on the door at 10 on the dot. I guess she'd been waiting in her car for that moment. She was lovely, after checking her ID (which she was surprised to be asked for) Kev told her what had happened with her colleague. She immediately said that's not at all true, I'm really sorry she told you that I'm not sure why she'd say it. She went on to say that the appointment request was first for the previous Friday but The childs socail worker was busy so they rearranged for this one. She said E had emailed her on Wednesday about the appointment and asked if (as they are based in the same office), they should take one car. The foster care social worker said she'd hold eve that she was coming straight from home and that The other one should just meet her here. She kept apologising and saying how bad this made social services look. Not just the failing to keep appointments but also the lies.

We couldn't not start with the first part of the appointment as The child's SW wasn't there. So instead we started on the personal details of the "prospective foster carers". At this point poor S was bored out of his skull so he asked to have some tele time, The foster SW said we didn't need him yet, so off he went. We finished that interrogation and it was onto a quiz about the house. Health and safety stuff mostly. A number of stupid questions, such as donyiubgave running water, hot water etc, more stupid questions like are the doors locked at night and bizarre ones like where do we keep our fire extinguisher.
Now we don't have one. When it did become something everyone had in their home? How many of you guys have one?
Are we just reckless? That's certainly how it felt.

Then it was the health and safety of our cars and general driving. Questions about smoking and alcohol and diet. Questions about the where we keep meat and how we stop it contaminating other food. Just insanity. I'm sure the questions are written assuming the applicant is stupid. Then questions about of childhoods. Now I love sam and we want to take care of him but my childhood was not great and certainly not for talking about with a woman I just met. Some demons should be allowed to rest. I was happy that when I said my mum had her own problems I was removed from her care, my dad died when I was 17, she just accepted that. Though surprised. What I found out later is that she accepted it because this is the brief box, I will have to my "lifestory work" later in the process and more in depth. Really not looking forward to that, rehashing bad memories and picking at wounds that haven't healed is not going to lead to anything good. When did we decide that everything could be or needed to be resolved? Somethings can't be and all we can do is pick ourselves up and get on with it, looking back doesn't always help. Everyone is different, so coping strategies are different...

JerryD

07-08-2017, 10:18

Anyway Fosterc SW was nice. She was helpful and informative. She told us that we would have to have 7 appointments with the foster care social worker before it went to panel and there would need to be a lot more forms and life story work done in that. The PNC check had been done and now we had to to the deep records check. She said we'd be given "homework" after each meeting though she didn't say what that was. She also said we had to go on a training course. More days off work and money lost to prove we are capable or taking care of a child we have been taking care of, on and off for 15 years. She said the whole process could take months, maybe even 6 months so she's not sure why I though 16 weeks max. Once it goes to panel if we are approved then they will pay me £30 a week as wage, I best not spend it all at once lol. If we are denied, which she thought was unlikely there are other options open to us which she mentioned. Over all it seemed to be going well. I told her about Our routine, how we divide up each day and have at least a rough plan for each one so he knows what to expect. We talked about His letters and numbers and the progress he has made since coming here. Kev told her about the independent living type tasks we were doing with him, helping him get practical skills. We talked about diet and activities and exercise. She then said we were doing a wonderful job. She was really happy with the progress in S's behaviour and work. She said it was wonderful to have foster parents who really care for and advocate for the young person. She asked why we didn't have children of our own because it seemed that we would incredible parents. We said we had just never wanted children, for hundreds of reasons but not because we don't like them. She then said that we really understood what S needed which is rare and could give it to him which is rarer still. Ours is a friends and family foster placement but as it goes to panel like any other, when it's approved we could foster other children if we wanted too. She said we could have another while sam was here as we have the room and she would like us to give it serious consideration. She was so supportive and full of praise, we felt like we were doing well. Sadly then The child's cover SW arrived lol

Teresa

07-08-2017, 12:49

All I can say is you are made of sterner stuff than me. I salute you. Years ago I thought about Fostering, but realised that I genuinely couldn't have coped with the invasion of my privacy by leftie Social Worker types. I worked with some very good ones as a Special Needs Coordinator, but also some very bad ones.

I wish all of you, including S the very best of luck. Remember it's perfectly ok to think about throttling some of the idiots you will come across, providing you don't actually do it.......!!!

patlowe

07-08-2017, 18:24

Well done Jerry. You and Kev seem to be passing every test with flying colours. How are you feeling now? Hope "bug" has gone?

Alis

07-08-2017, 19:45

Well done, Jerry - I take my hat off to you and Kevin coping with the insane amount of red tape involved. Sam is a very lucky boy to have you!

JerryD

07-08-2017, 23:38

I would imagine when The cover social worker arrived she knew she was caught in her lie. Before she sat down she started on a new story as to what happened that morning. The new story was that she knew she had a meeting in our area (she told me on the phone she had none) and that meeting was at 10 (then surely she should have already left at 9.45), BUT the name she had done was kev's and so that's why she didn't know it was the same case and denied knowledge of the meeting. Unlikely, as I am the main carer and the maternal aunt, my name is the one that appears at the top of every form and alongside the case number. She claimed not to know The child's name on the phone, surely if she had the carer wrong she would have the child right. It was evident it was all just lies and the more she came out with the more embarrassed I was for her. Her colleague just stared at the floor waiting for her to stop digging. Then the real fun began...

JerryD

07-08-2017, 23:41

Well done Jerry. You and Kev seem to be passing every test with flying colours. How are you feeling now? Hope "bug" has gone?

That's Pat, fingers crossed. My stomach was better on Saturday but after an extremely stressful Saturday it was rough again on Sunday. I'm now certain it's just stress. Today it is a bit better so hopefully things will calm and it will eventually go away completely :)

Caro

08-08-2017, 06:56

Wishing you all the luck in the world Jerry. It sounds like the first social worker has it spot on, you're doing a great job. To take on what you are taking on is really heroic IMO. The process you describe sounds horrible and I have heard a bit about it from a colleague at work who is going through it. She has 4 grown up children and wants to foster teens. Let's hope the first social worker can be your support in this as the other one sounds like a right pain! Take care xx

patlowe

08-08-2017, 17:40

That's Pat, fingers crossed. My stomach was better on Saturday but after an extremely stressful Saturday it was rough again on Sunday. I'm now certain it's just stress. Today it is a bit better so hopefully things will calm and it will eventually go away completely :)

:hug: x

JerryD

09-08-2017, 10:22

If the social worker from the foster team was the picture of everything a social worker could or should be, The one covering for the child's SW was the picture of all the bad things people say about them. Lateness and lies aside I cannot think of one things she did well. After arriving she was such a control freak she insisted we go back over what we'd done so far, even though none of it was information she needed. It was the foster care side, which is why we'd done it while we waited over 40 minutes for her to arrive. She is not His regular social worker but was filling in for him, peter, the guy who's been with S from the start was on holiday. It was explained to me that someone from P's team needed to be there but as P already knew what he had to, they would be an observer. An interrupter would be a better description.

Foster SW was speaking about the support they could give sam in understanding of what's to come and how that might help reduce the amount of time he flees to his mum's. Child SW then interupted to ask for a full explanation of what has happened at each run off. Given that the guy she was filling in for already had all the details, she didn't need them. So I tried to give a quick version, but no, she needed a blow by blow account. A pointless excercise and a waste of time. Then she said she needed to know as she was the child's social worker's boss, she isn't his boss, she's just a loon.

The moments like that when we had to keep going over stuff she didn't need to know were annoying enough but then she got worse. Going through the PNC check they had done that I'd called 101 in 2013 over a nightmare neighbour. The woman had been blasting music night and day while she was out and wouldn't listen to reason. It later transpired that it was because she was leaving her children home alone. Anyway eve then went on to detail all the things she's called 101 for. Nothing to do with the case, just a waste of time, but also said something of her character. She said she reported litter dropping, people not picking up after their dogs, kids hanging out in groups, people's bad driving, bad parking, suspicious activity, suspected drug use, her list went on and on. I know we all want less crime, but calling 101 for parking violations? This woman was just too much. She went on and on how the rules were the rules. She was beyond annoying...

patlowe

09-08-2017, 18:00

:facepalm::eek::yikes:

hfwardhouse

09-08-2017, 19:25

:facepalm::eek::yikes:

Exactly my feelings Pat. What a nightmare :shocked:

JerryD

09-08-2017, 20:26

I began to see her as a bit of a snoop and so felt really defensive. She had a way of making you feel like you were doing something wrong even though over time it was obvious she had no idea about the case. When she wasn't explaining why her way was better on everything, without knowing anything about the child (or meeting him), she was telling us how she's never out of the gym or boxing or off the bike. Again pointless details about her personal life we don't need in a meeting we are just trying to get through. At one point she told us she was cycling 5000 miles from the top to the bottom of Cambodia (?) in 2 weeks. She was completely ridiculous. She went on about her children, her husband, her house, her future plans. Then asked us how eco friendly we were. What that has to do with anything I don't know. After wandering into the kitchen she was interested in all our travel magnets and asked about places we'd recommend or advise against. Then how we could afford it, how many places we've been etc. Again all very well and good if it was a chat session and we had all day to spare. But this was a 40 minute appointment that was now approaching its second hour! She then asked what we had been doing to entertain S. She was happy with somethings but not others, for example whilst the child's social worker and Foster SW were happy that we were attempting to teach S letters and numbers with a goal of eventually teaching him to read. Especially as his school don't bother. It's a glorified pen. He is less disabled than other kids there so they just leave him to do what he wants. They ask if he wants to do work, he says no, so they leave it. The cover SW only picked up a bit of the conversation before saying sam shouldn't do work in his holidays. I explained at which point she said, what why can't sam read, he's 15. Foster SW said he does have special needs, at which point the other one (who clearly didn't read the case before coming to stick her nose in), said I didn't know there were disabilities. We then said he had cp, she nodded along but it was clear she had no idea what it was. After offering more opinions on the child and the way to look after him she then FINALLY went to meet him and inspect his room. Though she didn't miss the chance to nose in my room and the study on the way. Not that she had to do any of that as the guy she was filling in for checked the room and knows the child

Alis

09-08-2017, 20:31

I really don't know how you managed to keep your temper, Jerry - I think I would have blown my top. What an absolute nightmare!

patlowe

09-08-2017, 20:34

E should go to Cambodia again...PERMANENTLY!

Teresa

09-08-2017, 20:47

Perhaps you should put in a formal complaint about the fact she came out without knowing anything about the case, and you felt her constant discussion of her private life was inappropriate in a professional meeting?

cazza99

09-08-2017, 21:04

What a pain. At least she was covering for the other social worker and not the long term one.

JerryD

09-08-2017, 21:14

She said to him "can I see your room" he said it's there, pointing to it whilst blocking the doorway. So asked if she could go in to his room. This was the first time he had met her, she wasn't his worker. He was obviously not that happy as he continued to stand in the doorway. He didn't want to say yes but didn't feel it was righ to say no. I said to him this is ... (she hadn't waited for me to introduce her). I told him she worked with his SW which point she said she was the supervisor (it's not true), this only served to make S more apprehensive. He is aware that when he came here, SW, Kev and I had to plead for him to come here, even though it's so close to his mums. The concern was he'd always be running away to mums, it was SW supervisors we had to convince. They told him afterwards to encourage him not to run away do much and make it clear that everyone wasn't on side. So by insisting of telling her lie, this stupid woman had only put him more on edge. I told him to show her his nice room and how tidy he kept it and told him it was ok so he let her in. He wasn't pleased when she sat on his bed without asking, he looked at me and then at her. She then asked me to leave her and sam to talk. Again he wasn't happy but I told him it was ok. You would have thought that years of training in social work would make Her understand that she had to let the child set boundaries and only push as far as he in comfortable with. That she should ask before she takes it to the next level, and spend more that 2 minutes in their company with an adult they are comfortable with before being alone with them. I came downstairs hoping that she wouldn't drag that out too, and put him in a bad mood for the rest of the day...

JerryD

09-08-2017, 23:06

After another 15 minutes they came down and the child looked moody. He sat on the sofa but didn't say much. Cover SW then "suggested" we let the child out by himself more often. Whilst S was there! She said he was a normal 15 year old and he antes to be treated as one. I explained that his social worker wasn't happy with that. He was concerned that S was at risk of criminal and sexual exploitation because of his learning difficulties. he had been encouraged by a local girl to steal her something from the shop as he'd get away with it. He convinced this was true, disabled people can't get in trouble like that according to this girl. When he wouldn't she gave him a cigarette as paymeht and convinced him that it was a really good deal. He thought it was cool and it made him grown up. All of this and more make up the reasons The SW has said he's not allowed out without an adult. Something it is taking us time to drill into him. Work blown apart by a woman who didn't even read the file or enforce what the guy she was covering for wanted!

The next thing was that I needed to give him pocket money, maybe £10 a week. Firstly he can't count but also he doesn't understand money or change or the value of things. We are working on the counting, the same as we are working on the value of money. But it takes time! He's not ready for me to hand him £10 and he doesn't go out alone anyway. If he did he'd happily pay £10 for and energy drink because he's not allowed them at home. We are also working on getting him ready to go out alone, helping him with what's right/wrong, what's safe/unsafe. But he's not there yet either. These things can't happen overnight, we've only had him 3 weeks!!
Then it was he has the right to a mobile. I can't imagine in what world a mobile phone is a right for a start. But again this may apply to any other 15 year old but not S. He is too vulnerable to wander round with expensive things at the moment. We will work on that, but it's a process. He has had a trial with a mobile before, he used up all his credit calling people from his contacts without knowing who they were. Then when it was gone he realised he could only call 999 so he called them repeatedly not knowing it was a big deal. He can't read yet so can't text, he doesn't recognise all letters or numbers so it would be hard for him to use. He would just dial every contact until the person he wanted answered or his credit ran out. He is not ready for that either.

As if all these ideas said in front of S and put in a way that made it sound to him like the new rules, wasn't bad enough, this woman then went further!! She said that I had said sometimes a girl from by his mums has given in cigarettes. He didn't look happy that I had shared this info but did not. She then said "so you smoke then" it wasn't a question so much as a statement. Before he answered she told him that she used to smoke and she started young so it wasn't a problem. He confirmed then that he smoked. The reality is he doesn't. He has maybe 3 times when this girl gave him one. Most likely to impress her. It's not a habit. We all want to avoid it becoming so. This fool however saw it differently. She said that S's run offs were likely because he wanted to smoke - 15 minutes of knowing him but not reading the files made her the expert. She took this further by suggesting a give him "a safe place" to smoke. Somewhere it won't annoy me and he won't get in trouble for it!! Again in front of S!! He doesn't smoke, I'm not encouraging him to. It's not why he runs away. Also he's 15, why would I encourage my 15 year old nephew who has learning difficulties, to smoke? It's a crime. The age is 18. I would have expected that someone who was so rigid when it came to the rules wouldn't support underage smoking. Doesn't she spend her time reporting that kind of thing to 101!!

Her questions and advice continued to the point I stopped listening, thinking of nod along and wait for Th SW to come back. Only when foster SW stood up and said she really had to go as she had another appointment, did E stop talking. V asked if we had questions and we did but at this point we just wanted them gone. It has been just over 3 hours!!! A 40 minute meeting. All we had really achieved was a health and safety check and giving the child wrong information and mixed messages. It was a complete joke. Afterwards he said his rules had changed so we had to explain to him that she was wrong and didn't know the case like His SW. . He also said he didn't like her, she was nosey and asked him a bunch of questions but he didn't know her so didn't want to talk to her. He said he didn't want to see her again and asked when his SW would be back. There was a moment before she left that summed up some of her big failings. Rather than knowing the child and advocating for him, she wanted to be his mate and have him see her as a cool adult: it was the role she was trying to paint herself into. She said to him "I know you want to go with your mates, you don't want to hang around with aunt and uncle all the time. You can tell me, they won't mind, they know it's not cool" He looked at her as if she was stupid and said "I like it they're boss" The foster SW then said they seem like a good auntie and uncle to me, you're lucky and he nodded. The SW stood up giving The foster SW a stupid look as she shook Hsi hand. Clearly she knew better. She lent in to give a fist bump to S and after pretending he was going along, he moved his fist and said "rejected" then laughed. She tried to act like she found it funny but it was clear she wasn't happy. I was laughing on the inside whilst telling him not to be mean as he laughed aloud. She said "it's ok S I get it" she clearly didn't.

Her stupid advice was then repeated back to us by the child the next day (Saturday), following another run off! Though I'm grateful that she is not The social worker he has since returned, I can't help worry for any children or families she is the social worker for. I hope she gives those cases more attention and doesn't attend all apointments late, to talk mainly about her personal life and then give out rubbish advice whilst knowing nothing. If each appointment takes her 3 hours I have no idea how she gets anything done! As it was we missed our gym and swim! Then ended up rushing about until My sister dropped off my niece and nephew for their sleep over.

Teresa

10-08-2017, 08:43

Teresa

10-08-2017, 10:01

patlowe

10-08-2017, 11:17

You definitely need to print out and keep all you have told us on here Jerry. x

Jan

10-08-2017, 11:18

Jerry I have never met you; I have read this thread with increasing incredulity! You are doing an amazing job, and as for the recent visit - "Unbelievable" is all I can say. Keep up the great work!

Alis

10-08-2017, 12:24

I absolutely agree with all that has been said, Jerry. You really should lodge a complain so at least this woman's mishandling of the case is on record.

Linda

10-08-2017, 18:35

I agree too. This woman needs to be stopped before she does some serious harm. You should send in a detailed report (maybe discuss it with P first and ask him who to send the complaint to?).

JerryD

10-08-2017, 20:20

I really do think you need to write this up and put in a formal complaint. This woman seems dangerous to vulnerable people. It undoubtedly won't go anywhere, but having a complaint on her record means if there are other ones, now or in the future something might be done.

The trouble is I'm terrified to complain about one of them incase it changes their mind about the child or us. I did tell The SW what she had said and he came out on Monday and ran through the rules again. Attempted to clear up any mess.
Especially after he had ran away from his mum the day after seeing Her. We were taking his sister on a prearrrneged hike up snowdon. Her first mountain. The walk was great. B loved it. But when we got down the mountain and had signal again I had a message from his mum to say sam had ran off again. She said she'd told him not to tackle his younger brother because he's much bigger than him and S did it again. Then ran off when he was told off. She eventually got him back to mine but they had arguments and he kept storming out and coming back. Eventually we got home and he wasn't here. His mum left and kev got him back home. He was crying and upset but calmed after two hours and went to bed. The social worker wanted to talk to him about that too.
Sadly his run off meant his mum said she wasn't watching him ever again so that cuts our support down. Long term it makes things more difficult and in the short term it means no birthday spoils. Though at this point I'd settle for an easy day lol .

Teresa

10-08-2017, 20:43

I think you need to get advice from Fostering forums, and find out who your advocate/Social Worker is. Navigating this particular system is a nightmare, which is why most people don't ever try. Power crazed, ignorant Social Workers don't help.

There needs to be, and should be someone who is there specifically for you.

There should not be this level of power imbalance.

JerryD

10-08-2017, 21:37

Apologies if I am interfering, but shouldn't you also have a Social Worker or advocate whose role is supporting not S but you as you go through this process? It strikes me that the balance of power is rather unequal?

If you have to deal with this apology for a professional again, could you get somebody from one of the independent foster support groups to sit in, or insist on the meeting being recorded.

We used to have an organisation that supported parents in the process of getting their children statemented. Being on the wrong side of her was like being savaged by an out of control Rottweiler. I used to refer parents with particularly good cases to her.

We are meant to be getting one, but at the moment it's a different person each time. She isn't going to be our social worker either though. She just came to give us more forms. We did the health and safety thing and the PNC check. Then today another woman came out with a local authority check, enhanced record check thing and medical forms. She explained the process a little further and took photocopies of 3 sets or ID for each of us away with her. The medical is a bit of a concern, you never realise how much personal information you have to share with them for something like this. It's really intrusive. I understand why it has to be, but it doesn't make me feel more comfortable about releasing my medical records. There are questions about your diet and exercise, health of your family, mental health questions, all kinds. This fostering thing is a just a series of tests. What I diescoverd today is that all we have done so far is just a viability test and not the actual assessment. That doesn't really start until they assign a social worker to us. They told me today, that someone and he would call me today and he'd be doing the assessment but he never did. We have to have 7 meetings with this guy and apparently the questions only get more personal (yippee).

Hopefully we won't have to deal with E again as she was just a stand in for SW who is back now.

JerryD

10-08-2017, 23:44

sadly the reason for writing so many posts tonight is that I found myself with extra time after he ran away again. We had great days mon, turs, weds. on Thursday Kev was heading for wo k after taking Wednesday off to help with S. Wednesday was great, I got everything done I needed to, I got to spend some time with my niece who had arrived on the Tuesday night but decided to stay over. I got to go to the gym and for a swim. We had a great time together too. On Thursday morning I got up feeling 100 times better thanks to kev's hard work. My neighbour knocked on to borrow my lawn mover and commented on how much better I looked. She said I looked less tired, less stressed and less old (thanks L lol). I did feel better too. After the social worker had been we played for a bit and then headed to gym...

Teresa

11-08-2017, 08:56

I think it's important to focuss on the good days, and the little steps. S is obviously going to repeatedly run away, (for the moment at least). A good day is when he doesn't, a normal day is when he does.

The gym and swimming sounds good (actually it sounds like hell on earth), but each to their own:-). Important to make sure you can keep that going as "me time". Whilst you are going through this, for S's sake you have to keep the machines that are you and Kev in the best possible working order.

This is going to be a long haul. The marathon runner will win this battle, not the Usain Bolt.

JerryD

11-08-2017, 10:17

He met his trainer for the first and he showed him a routine after checking his needs and abilities. I left them to it so he could feel more independent. After he had his session he wanted to stay longer so I let him. When we got home he asked for chocolate biscuits. I said no he could have them after dinner. He asked for more things he's not allowed then refused to do as he was told. I explained that we all have to do things we don't want to. He said "is it yeah? Well I'm going out then" I told him again that he wasn't allowed out without an adult at the moment. So he shouted at me, then swore at me, then stormed into the garden. As he climbed onto the shed roof L knocked on again. We both told him to get down. He vanished and then came walking down next doors drive with a change of clothes in his hands. I guess he jumped over the fence that separates our back gardens. Then over their gate. I told him that is he wasn't back in 3 minutes I'd have to report him but he just stormed past me, shouting. L is a lovely woman and rather than looking at me like some idiot who was doing a rubbish job (which is how I felt), she said "don't stress yourself kidda, you're doing what you can. What does he think he's doing talking to you like that" I tried to explain that as well as his learning difficulties he also lacks discipline. When he was younger everyone took a step back when he didn't want to do something and now that he's older he does what he wants. Whether it's refusing to get a shower for a week or not staying in when he knows and understands he's not allowed out by himself. A lot of the time he chooses to go along with the rules but sometimes he decides not to. I waited 30 minutes and reported him to 101 as per the rules laid out by the social worker. Then I called careline to tell them. They asked me what I'd done to trigger the behaviour which made me feel worse at the time but in the light of morning I see all I did was say no. We can't have him think he can do as he wants or that we have to yes or he'll run off.
After 3 hours he was returned by the police and his mum's neighbour. He came in still in a mood and with a temper. His dinner was sitting on the table so I asked if he wanted it. That was a big fat no. So I said why don't you go get a shower and put your pjs on. I was told no because he was going out again. He'd only come back because the police has made him. He stormed into the back garden and Kev tried to talk to him. He wouldn't listen to him either. He just started shouting. So we left him to it. 15 minutes later we went to check on him and he was gone again.

I felt so embarrassed having to phone 101 back, especially as the police officer who returned him seemed to think we'd done something as she asked us to try not to upset him when she left. The reality was it was still light, still warm, people he knew were still around for him to hang out with. He wasn't ready to be returned. Half an hour after he left the same police officer who had dropped him off called me back. I had to explain again, luckily they were understanding. Kev found S and tried to coax him home but he refused. When the police went for him he ran off. Kev tried twice more and eventually got him home after 11pm. He stormed up to bed, barging past me on the way. When we called 101 back to tell them he was home they were understanding. Careline ont he other hand asked again about triggers as if we could do more or they could do better. Eventually he went to sleep and we got robbed but it was a restless one. The police told us to lock the doors so he couldn't get out in the night. Luckily they agreed to do their safe and well check in the morning rather than come that early hours. Probably to avoid upsetting him and spending the entire night chasing him.

He does understand that if he keeps running off they will move him. Yes it's great that it's now once/twice a week rather than everyday as it was at his mums. However they don't want to only see an improvement. They want him to stop running. This absence was a long one too, so it's a step back from where we were last week. He understands the consequences, but when he runs he doesn't think about them and he doesn't while he's out either. Usually they hit him when he gets home and he's then telling his social worker he won't run off again. Although last night he still wasn't bothered and he is still insistent on going out this morning.

Teresa

11-08-2017, 12:27

I think you are going to be well and truly stuffed if you let yourself think you are doing a rubbish job, regardless of what well meaning police and other people might try to infer.

I have not had kids, but there is no way in hell I could have restrained my Godson when he was 15, even if I had tried.

As I understand it as Foster Carers any form of physical restraint would be little short of a hanging offence, as would locking him in. So there is actually nothing you can do.

As for having rules, I would imagine not putting them in place would cause this placement to break down quicker than quick. It's the age old thing with kids, if they learn about rules when they are little, and you can physically contain them you are halfway there. An able bodied child that has not been given boundaries would be a nightmare teenager (I have known a few). A disabled child who is unable to make the connection between action and consequence is going to be worse. If the authorities want you to stop him running, then they need to tell you exactly how they propose you do it. Hold onto the fact that moving him into secure accommodation will cost them a fortune, so they are going to be incredibly reluctant to go down that route.

I think reducing the amount of running in such a short time is pretty impressive. As for thinking you are making progress and then finding you have gone backwards - it can be soul destroying. That's the nature of the beast - both children and dogs.

As Winston Churchill was given to say, you just have to KBO (Keep (swearword) on.

You are doing amazingly - you haven't ripped that idiot Social Worker's head off, which counts as a win. Believe in yourselves S is (swearword), lucky to have you in his corner.

The child I am teaching is suffering from severe travellers diarrhoea, and needs to drink vast amounts of fluid. She wouldn't do it for her mum or dad, or me even given a comprehensive, scientific explanation of why. She did however decide to do it for my dog. 1L of liquid = an ice cream for Millie. I have less influence than a dog......!!!

Caro

14-08-2017, 13:15

Jerry, I feel for you so much. What you and Kev are doing is incredible! It seems to me you are doing all you can. Keep the faith and keep doing what you're doing, that's all you can do.

My great niece has cerebral palsy and went through a similar pattern of behaviour as a teenager when she kept running away from home and getting mixed up with no-gooders who took advantage of her. She went into foster care eventually too. She is now in her 20's, and has a good relationship with her mum although she never moved back home. She is incredibly thoughtful of others and has a good heart. She is still quite easily led and we worry about her getting taken advantage of, but she lives independently and has a job.

It sounds as though S's special needs are more advanced but it goes to show that behaviour can improve and tough times do get better. Wishing you, Kev and S all the luck in the world Jerry xx

goldfish

14-08-2017, 17:25

So 'interesting' to read your story, JerryD. Am in awe of the time and trouble you and Kev are putting yourselves through to help your nephew. I hope life gets easier, you get the support you need and that you can balance your own needs with those of your nephew. I doubt very much that anyone could do more.

JerryD

15-08-2017, 01:06

The biggest concern for him is that he doesn't have all the time in the world to stop running off. He was on edge on Friday morning, not just saying he was going out but also that he wanted us to call the social worker and tell him he didn't want to live here anymore. We went in circles, but he wouldn't listen. He was insistent that if he was moved he'd be allowed to his mum's close whenever he wanted and out by himself. After 30 minutes I told him to think it over and went upstairs. Kev then tried. I'm not sure what Kev said to him that made him listen but when I came out of the study he was in his room unpacking his things. When I went to him he told me he had changed his mind and he wanted to stay. Clearly that day was the day for Kev to have the magic wand. His turn to be the kid whisperer. We were both relieved but exhausted. It is hard trying to constantly convince him that here is as near to his mum's as he will get. To sell the reasons it's better than a residential care unit. Sometimes you feel like you are pushing too much. But it is in his best interests no matter how many times he fights us on it. He was good for the rest of Friday. He did his jobs and work and we went shopping and for a walk. He accepted the no gym, applebox or iPod for one night as benefits lost in the run off, not to mention the swearing, name calling and she'd climbing!

On Saturday we already had plans with Yellowlivi to go to the late night riding and fireworks at Blackpool pleasure beach. I'm a big kid so it was one of things I wanted for my birthday. We got sam a wristband too, the previous Saturday had proved that he and his mum weren't ready for long periods together. We all had a great time, went on lots of rides, the weather was lovely, the airshow was happening overhead and later the fireworks were great. I even managed to convince everyone to go on the Viking ride that promised you'd end up wet or soaking wet lol. It was a lot of fun. We managed to time it perfectly so we were on the last ride as the fireworks went off. That night he said he'd had fun and it was a boss day, before checking if we had fun, then he said it was one of the best days ever. He's not used to such long days so he was still tired after a 10 hour sleep. He even decided he was too tired to go to the gym lol. His behaviour has been fantastic since so we are just crossing our fingers.

He is making progress on his work too. We have got through the whole alphabet a couple of times with no mistakes and completelng it. He is so proud of himself every time. On Saturdays he doesn't do any work but I heard him practising it downstairs while I was putting clothes away. After trying a few times he ran to Kev to tell him. He got it all right and was so happy. He decided to do it on his own and enjoyed it, that made me happy. His confidence is coming along and that will improve his letters and lead on to reading. A lot of it is about believing you can do it. He is starting to believe. He read a few simple words today which is a big step. When Kev came home he couldn't wait to tell him. He even had a struggle today looking at a blended letter sound, but rather than getting frustrated he took a little break and then kept trying. He wanted me to text Kev and tell him. Kev told him how proud he was when he came home. Then later he told his mum that sometimes when things are hard you have to take a break and try again and then it's better. Bless him.

The plan for my birthday was initially a spoil day whilst He was with his mum. That had to be changed when they struggled to be alone together for a long period last week. So the new plan was the three of us go out for the day and then He got to his mum whilst we go to the new restaurant for dinner. However the social worker doesn't feel "the time is right" for unsupervised visits with mum, because of the episode on that Saturday 2 weeks ago. We were going to cancel the restaurant but my friend (and neighbour), who has known him a long time offered to sit with him. So after our day out when Kev and I go to to dinner, she will come round. They are going to have "goodies" and watch films. He's excited about it so I hope that means his behaviour will still be good. I am so hugely grateful to her though, it is amazing that she will have him. I can't wait to go for the dinner and have a bit of time as an adult and a couple. That sounds awful. But it will be the first time it's been just Kev and I for a while. Fingers crossed for a good day.

Thanks again for all your kind words and support :) xxx

hfwardhouse

15-08-2017, 06:46

Sounds a bit more positive so hopefully you will get a good day x

Teresa

15-08-2017, 09:09

That sounds excellent. It's great you and Kev get a night off. You will need it, and it's important that you get those breaks. It will also be really good for S to feel he is getting "naughty" things sometimes. Hopefully he knows he is getting the "goodies" as a direct consequence of his behaviour being good. Grown up children get to have movie nights and treats, not little ones having tantrums.

Keep up the good fight, and remember these days when the steps back happen.

JerryD

15-08-2017, 09:34

Sadly contact with mum wasn't until after bedtime, 10.30 pm! She was here until just before midnight and he was wound up again. By the time we got him to bed for some rest for ourselves it was 1.30. Then we weren't in bed til nearly 3. At this point Kev has been awake for 22 hours and drove to G and back. The result... today everyone and particularly Kev is exhausted. So we will leave W for today and just have a nice lunch somewhere. Luckily despite going to be wound up he has managed to calm this morning. He and Kev have just popped out. Hopefully to return with cake. Kev should really be resting after a nightmare day yesterday. But he's a star so there's no telling him. Soppy moment, but he is a legend. Don't tell him lol.

JAMES4578

15-08-2017, 14:41

By all accounts you are both doing an amazing job and couldn't be faulted in any way, it is important you get some free time though Jerry, sounds like it was an enjoyable time in Blackpool and have a great time with just Kev tonight. It's certainly not being selfish and to the benefit of everyone in any case, great that your neighbour is willing and able to help out. I do hope though that the situation with M improves in due course so she can have a bit more input. Good that after the incident Kev was able to talk S round and things have been a bit better lately, of course there are likely to be setbacks along the way but hopefully you are now getting somewhere. The process can certainly be stressful though by the sound of it.

patlowe

15-08-2017, 17:30

Jerry and Kev, when you get to the point that there are many more good days than bad days, you will be winning! So far I believe you are heading in the right direction. Great job! Well done! Enjoy rest of birthday. xx

supergran

16-08-2017, 13:12

Just posted quite a long reply. Told my token had expired and after reloading page as advised can't find my post.

Caro

16-08-2017, 14:26

You've got a good one there Jerry and he's got a good one too. You're a great couple. Love to you both and keep up the good work xx Sounds like S is taking some good steps forward.

JerryD

16-08-2017, 14:35

Just posted quite a long reply. Told my token had expired and after reloading page as advised can't find my post.

That's so annoying. It happened to me the other day. I've now started copying into notes on my phone before I press send just in case x

JerryD

30-08-2017, 12:27

Well my birthday was good. We went to chester. We walked along the walls and the river. Had lunch by the water and ice cream. He enjoyed it more than we did. He said in the car on the way back that he had a boss day.

Later my neighbour and friend came and say with S whilst we went out for dinner. We went to the new Italian in Liverpool. Gino D'acampos. It was fantastic. The food was ace, the atmosphere and decor were lovely. They had a proseeco menu so I had to try a few samples from there. All in I couldn't recommend it highly enough. It was fantastic. Also nice to get dressed up and have some time as myself, and some time with just Kev.

I was a bit of a nervous parent and checked in twice until my friend told me to do one lol. When we got home he was happy. He had a great time with L and they watched endless soaps and played. Had pizza and treats. And he got to show her a he new clothes we got for him. We all went to bed happy and refreshed that night.

The next few days were good. He made progress in the gym and was working hard in his leg. His work improved and he moved on to the 5-6 maths book. He started doing work for fun. Really happy with himself when it went well. He got all the way through the alphabet and could write them in any order. He only struggled with capital R and lower case q.

JerryD

30-08-2017, 12:38

We wanted to take him and siblings camping for the bank holiday and had promised them long before he came to stay. The social worker said he was fine with it as long as we took him on a trial first.

Before the trip, our foster care social worker come out. Yes, we have finally been assigned someone!! He seemed nice. He was on time, he was aware of the case. He was prepared. All not much to ask but I've learnt that you don't usually get any of that. He was great. You felt comfortable talking to him because he was just so good at his job. He'd worked with disabled kids before and troubled kids and he seemed to have the same approaches we did. Firstly he commented us on the child's work after seeing the books and the journal we had kept on his improvements. He told us S was very lucky to have us and we were doing an amazing job. Then we told him about our activity book and all the things we'd been doing with sam. Then about the gym.

At the end of it all he said we were the best placement for the child and we should be really proud of ourselves. We had come a long way in a short space of time. He said it was great that we'd kept records as we could present all that when we went to panel. He is the social worker who will see is through the assement but he doesn't know if we will be assigned to him afterwards. He explained everything and answered all our questions. He kept saying we were a team and our job now was to get through the assement and secure The placement here. It was great to feel like we are going in the right direction and that we have someone onside. Though the timescale and in depth questions were less great

JerryD

30-08-2017, 12:54

The form is insane. All of the questions are insane. We don't ask these things of parents. We discovered we needed 3 references each. That we have to go through financial checks and show bank statements. We've been paying for everything for 2 months without a penny, it seems a bit rich to then start asking about our financial circumstances. Why is there a credit check to be a foster parent? Then they want bank to records for the company. It really is invasive. It feels like you have no privacy, no right to your past or to turn down a question and like you are on trial. It really doesn't surprise me so many quit during the process. I'm more surprised that some make it to the end! Given that you can not have a job, never have had a job and still have a baby and keep it, there is no need for them to have a penny. But it's all part of the process. That's all you ever hear. Anyway it seems that Alan is now on leave for 3 weeks and though panel is not until the world tour finals (tennis is how I Measure time lol), he wants all our stuff done by The end of October. So he can go through it. So we 4 weeks to get trough something you usually get 16 weeks for. It's madness. My doctors is so terrible who knows if I'll get my medical before then. And as for 3 personal references, it seems a big ask. Preferbely my friends and family for me and kev's for him. But my sister is The child's mum so not her, my mum is a On a list as someone who had her children removed and a horror, so deffo not her, dad is dead. And as I went into foster care myself I don't have contact with the wider family really. I have a brother. But he wouldn't do it. My cousin told me the same the other day. He said I was throwing what I wanted away to help a child who would never help himself. As Kev and I have been together for 14 years, since I was 17 a lot of our friends are the same. But they don't want two from the same person. One of my oldest, closest friends was his friend first and so is one of his oldest closest friends too. We will sort it but it's all part of the same headache.

JerryD

30-08-2017, 13:22

Overall the meeting went well. Afterwards we had an email from saying how pleased he was to meet us and that he hoped in the future we foster other children as we would be a great asset to their team. He also said that he'd contacted the SW and told him how happy with us he was.

The next day we headed off to Y for our trial camp. We camped at R H which is a little way out from Y. The site was lovely and small so I good middle ground between wild camping and a site. The lack of marked out pitches meant you could just go wherever. I ordered a new tent online before we went, so we would have separate bedrooms and so we'd have one big enough for all of us on the bank holiday. At £260 it was expensive for a tent but by no means the most pricey o the 5 man tents. Probably one of the cheaper ones. When we looked at the size of it we didn't believe the " 15 minutes to pitch" on the front. Actually it was quite easy to pitch and it was a great tent. He loved camping so he was excited by the hole thing. After putting up the tent we went to the shop and got some food for a BBQ and stuff for breakie. The next day after taking it all down again we went to york for the day. It was lovely weather and york itself was nice. I'd never been before so it was nice to see a new part of the uk. We had lunch out and aftwards sam went on about how much fun he'd had and how he couldn't wait to go again.

He took his maths book ( a Star Wars one) and did it for fun while we were there. On the way home we could to call in and see our friends who have recently had their own little one. We hadn't told them about S as it was around the same time and their boy was small and early. We didn't want to add to their stress. Little E (tiny at less than 5lbs) was so beautiful. We got him a little vibrating rocker that plays music so mummy and daddy could put him down sometimes. Along with a special insert so he could be properly supported in the chair. Also some baby grows and essentials, as they weren't prepared because he arrived early and the new born stuff they did have already was way too big. It was weird both with our new additions. But lovely spending time together.

That next week he progressed to reading a few simple words. Understanding blended sounds. He was doing so well and loving it. He would tell anyone who came round. Show them all his work. His little brother because jealous and so I got him his own book so we could do that together.

After his 7 days without incident I got him some new tracksuit bottoms just for everyday, I still wasn't letting him wear his school ones lol. After Y we got to 11. He had his camhs meeting and all went well. We put plans in place to help him control his bahviour and start on a path to eventually see him allowed out alone. We reached two weeks without a run off and he got a power bank for his iPod . Then the next day we headed off on our bank holiday trip. We took him and Two of his siblings camping.

Alis

30-08-2017, 17:00

It sounds as though you are doing an amazing job, Jerry. I am so glad that, at last, someone in authority seems to be appreciative of all the time and effort you are putting in. Well done to both of you - I am in awe of you and your selflessness.

Linda

30-08-2017, 19:34

It sounds like it's all going really well now. Well done on a great job.

JerryD

30-08-2017, 20:25

It sounds like it's all going really well now. Well done on a great job.

lol I wish. The give away was that I had so much time to write all this. Most of which was written between police visits and calls.

JerryD

30-08-2017, 21:08

The morning of the trip he was a little narky. He refused to take his turn in the middle when we set off. Then moaned about the others coming with us. He was quite jealous and sly. Making nasty comments to his younger brother then saying he hit him for no reason. I caught him a few times and then told him off. He then sulked until we stopped for lunch. After lunch he still refused to go in the queue middle. We explained that no one likes that seat but with the car full it had to be used and the only fair way was to take it in turns. When we eventually got there he moaned about the midges and didn't help with the set up like the other two. I started to worry that we were in for a really difficult weekend. We just kept trying to encourage him. We went to aviemore and had dinner out on Friday. Then Saturday it was aviemore, a picnic and then becjys choucr of a visit to Blair castle followed by a BBQ at loch Morlich. We had a fire a toasted marshmallows. It was lovely. Sunday we did kev's thing first, a walk around the loch, an'eileen with the castle in the middle. At 5km we considered it a gentle mooch. Playing along the way. The 8 year old considered it an epic hike and was moaning at the end. He need more time using his legs and less time using her PlayStation pad. When it came time for his thing, canoeing,the youngest had plenty of energy!

The kids had a great time, sadly my canoeing partne, my niece used her paddle as a water shovel. Just drenching me whilst I paddled alone lol. Things weren't much easier for Kev with the boys trying to go in different directions. The water was freezing too. We made pasta and hot drinks on the beach of loch morlich. The trangia was fanstatic even in the wind. After playing on the beach for a while the kids decided they didn't have the nerve to swim in the lake lol. We went back to the tent later ago get showered and de-lake before dinner. Now it was time for my thing, dinner on Cairngorms mountain. Admittedly only near the car park as we did have the kids, but still wonderful.

The next day it took and age to pack up so there was only time for Someone else's activity and not another walk. We took the kids to highland wildlife park to see the polar bears. They were giddy and so excited. They absolutely loved the polar bears. The Safari was good but it was the walk around that got them. Absolutely Over the moon. Personally I loved the wolves and their babies, which B heard me saying to Kev and then decided was her favourite too. Bless her. All in it was another wonderful day following a fantastic trip. No reason for anything but happiness and tiredness on the drive home.

Well no. The time came when foster child had to take his turn in the middle and the others wouldn't do it for him anymore. So he kicked off. He moaned and shouted. Elbowed and shoved the others. Called them names and tried to annoy them. Eventually he was told off and then I was horrible and a cow etc etc again. I know he doesn't want to share attention with the others but he isn't an only child. I love all my nieces and nephews the same. I heard him telling his sister it was up to him when she stays. That upset her. When he was told it wasn't the case he said he didn't care anyway because he was going out the next day. He was told again that he isn't allowed out alone and not to risk all his progress. He acted as if he listened and was fine for the rest of the journey but on Tuesday he was off.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 09:09

Tuesday morning came and we had a lot of camping stuff to put away and washing to do. Knowing he'd be tired I let him lie in until 10.30 before going to wake him. When I went in the was a rolson multi tool I'd never seen before onthe pillow next to him with the torch on. I put it in my pocket and tried to wake him. He said "no I'm tired" then rolled over so I left him. On closer inspection the multi tool looked exactly like ones I'd seen in b&m. We were there on Thursday and he ran off. I just left him to it and continued my shopping. I guess he has gone to look at the tools and stolen it. It had a knife on so he would have needed to be 16 to buy it. But he isn't allowed more than a pound or two, (social workers rules, at once. He'd saved his pocket money for his holiday so he didn't have any money at all.

His learning difficulties aren't so bad that he doesn't know right from wrong. He doesn't lack understanding. He can't read or write and doesn't know his numbers beyond 11 but he does have social understanding. He knows stealing is wrong. We had the talk when he stole something from Tesco. His mum had it with him when he was stealing all the time then. I kept hold of the tool, intending to discuss it with him later. Along with some of the horrible sexist names he called his sister on the trip.

At 11.30 I tried to wake him again. No joy and this time just pulling the blanket over and ignoring me. At 12.30 it was shouting and moaning. If he sleeps all day he is difficult all day, he also then refuses to go to bed. Or to sleep. As we went camping we used a lot of are fresh stuff before we went. On return we discovered the freezer had been through a literal meltdown and everything in it had to be binned. We badly needed to go shopping. So I tried again at 1.30. This time he pretended to get up. By 2.30 he still wasn't downstairs so I knocked again. This time he said he was going to get dressed in s minute. I told him to get in the shower. His sister, came round at 3 to collect things she'd left at ours after the trip. Eventually st 3.30 he emerged downstairs and started rummaging through the washing basket. I asked him what he was looking for and he swore at me. He stormed back to the stairs. As he walked past his iPod etc I asked him to take the upstairs s with him. He swore at me again. Then there was all kinds of banging upstairs. I went up and asked if he was looking for the multi tool and if we could talk about it. He pushed past me at the top of the stairs snd stormed out.

I went back to the kitchen and continued sorting washing. After 10 minutes he came back again saying he was getting his stuff snd going out. I told him again that he wasn't allowed out by himself. He called me an f word b word and all kinds of other horrendous names. He shouted and swore and me and started kicking my banister. He told me I was a witch and he hated me. He said he was going to get me in trouble and tell everyone how horrible I was. He was screaming do much his sister came go check I was ok. I told her I was fine and we should just go back in the living room. He followed us telling me he doesn't have to do anything I tell him. He can do what he wants and I can't stop him. Saying things like "just watch if you try""just watch" and punching his fist into his hand. He said he wasn't going to put up with being told what to do and when to get up. At first I tried to explain that everyone has to follow rules and there are legal rules and rules of the house. His swearing and threats intensified so I gave up trying. Eventually he stormed out.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 09:28

I waited 30 minutes and then began the ridiculous process they insist on. I called to report him missing. After 45 minutes on hold I got through! They were difficult about the reasons I was reporting it. I explained about the multi agency meeting and the risk assessment. They were resistant but I kept saying I'm only doing what the social worker and reviewing officer says I have to. Eventually after basically accusing me of wasting police time they took the details. As usual they were patronising. Suggesting I could have acted differently to prevent him running off. Finally over an hour and a half after he'd gone missing I got off the phone to the police and onto childline. 30 minutes into being on hold to them I had a call from my sister. I tired to hold the childline call and answer hers but cut it off by mistake. She had a sighting of S. He was now absolutely fine and calm and messing about smoking with older boys. These lads are known thieves (from sheds and houses), in the area. All been to yo in the past. I had told the police I would update them with any sightings so I called back. 35 minutes into being on hold and uknown number came up. I successfully held the call this time to find it was the police control people. The lady took the latest update and said a car would be round to the latest sighting and if he wasn't there then come to take details.

I hung up on 101 and tried again with childline. I was still on hold to them 20 minutes later when the police turned up. So again I had to cancel the call. The woman was very understanding and took all the details. However whilst I was explaining to her, a colleague came through on her radio to say they'd found him what he had to say was surprising. He said he was now crying (though he'd been fine when spotted by his mum 20 minutes before), he had told the police that he was homeless because his mean auntie had told him to get out and never come back!!! At first I was just stunned by this, but when I saw the officer look me over again, trying to work out if this was true, I was upset. It wasn't at all why had happened. I started to panic wondering what if they believed him. The voice over the radio continued to describe the "harsh treatment" that S had put up with that caused the "argument". It seemed I was always moaning at him treating the others better than him and taking his stuff. Putting all kinds of rules on him and holding him prisoner in the house. The list went on and on. It was only when I heard his sister say "the little liar" that I realised she'd been here the whole time. She knew what was said and how he behaved. I was so relieved I could have cried.

I told the officer that she was here the entire time. She seemed to accept my version and didn't check with her. But then she said well can you come with me, explain the misunderstanding to him and tell him he is welcome to come home. I was in shock! She was seriously still suggesting that S was right in what he said. He didn't for a minute think he wasn't allowed home. Or that he was kicked out. He knew that he wasn't allowed out by himself when he stormed off. I thought about saying this to the officer but there was no point. She told me to come quick, so I didn't grab my coat or put leggings on under my dress as I would have done if I was planning to go out.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 09:38

We got to the road where he was and I saw him crying and being comforted by two officers with another two stood watching on. When I came over the policewoman I was with told him his auntie was here to take him home. He told her he wasn't welcome. She explained that if that was the case I wouldn't be there and suggested again that there had been some sort of misunderstanding. There had been no such thing but there was no point saying that. They'd already made up their minds. He started making up things I had said. First it was I told him to get out. Then it was I told him to never come back. Then that I said he couldn't have his things. On and on he went. Eventually I said S none of that is true, you know it's not. You were told to get up and you didn't want to. You were then told you weren't allowed out. If this is about the multi tool we can talk about it when we get home. He said "is it yeah" " you tryna grass me in to the busies, is that your plan, get me in the cells, I didn't take anything". I said S we can talk about that at home. Just come home now. At that point he started putting his face in my face and swearing at me calling me a liar and a dirty tramp and all kinds of other horrendous things. Not just not fit for the forum, but things I'd never type or say out loud. The police stepped between us, when they did he questioned them. The officer explained that he was concerned for my safety and S was off again. This time he started shoving the two male police officers. All whilst shouting at me to phone his social worker or his mum and swearing at me. I explained to the police that the social worker wasn't in now but was due a visit the next day. And that I called his mum earlier but she was extremely angry with S for his behaviour towards the others on the journey home and his treatment of me that day. They insisted so I text her anyway. By this point S had gathered a crowd with his screaming and shouting and awful language.

Teresa

31-08-2017, 09:55

It's hard, but just try to remember that ups and downs are part of the deal. Treasure the good times, and try, however hard it is not to take the tantrums personally. At 15 he has probably got the hormonal attitude of a 15 year old combined with the emotional literacy of the 8 year old. If he wasn't so difficult, it probably wouldn't have got to the stage of you needing to foster him. Knowing right from wrong in an academic sense, is very different from the practical application of the idea, when they are just on the "I want" mode. My dog knows chasing the cat is wrong, and there are consequences, but sometimes temptation overrules - particularly when she has a mate round. Interestingly enough she got very put out yesterday, when I was teaching, and needed to go into part of the house I haven't been into before, (where the DVD player was), but where she goes a lot as they take care of her when I am away. It was quite funny. Definitely "this is my territory, not yours").

You also have to allow for the fact that even at a sub conscious level he might be struggling with the fact that, whilst he has moved in with you. His siblings are still at home with mum. Inevitably there will be some feelings of abandonment, and hence jealousy of his siblings. Living with you is undoubtedly the best thing for him, but parts of him might not be able to recognise that.
As for the foul language, is it worth operating on the basis if he is grown up enough to use those words, he needs to know what they mean and how to spell them. They might become less attractive if you normalise them.

Having spent the last couple of weeks mugging up on witchcraft (part of the A Level history syllabus), I can safely say you are not a witch.......

Keep strong. You are doing amazingly.

Note: at some point you and Kev are going to have to decide on your "Red Line" - verbal abuse from what is essentially a toddler in a tantrum, and physical abuse from a hulking great 15 year old, are two very different things. It's not a decision I envy you having to make it, but the pair of you are going to have to make it. Is S allowed to physically assault you?

JerryD

31-08-2017, 10:03

I friend of his older brother who was passing called For him and his brother to talk to him.. I heard him reporting the same nonsense. Hos brother must not have believed him because S kept saying no I wasn't naughty, I always do what I'm told, she did tell me to leave. Eventually he started screaming at him and his brother hung up. The police who had heard this conversation were now starting to see that S's version of events probably weren't true. When his mum appeared, as he had demeaned she was still angry. She shouted at him for his behaviour and how lies and told him he was still behaviong in the way he did when he was at hers. I knew she would shout at him as she's still at the end of her patience, it's why I pushed against texting her. He then started shouting at her and making lies up about her before telling her to swear word off. Where on earth do they get language like that?

We went in circles for over an hour until I was shivering and his mum had given up and left. Kev, who was meant to be staying in G had driven from there to L, exhausted to try and get through to S. He didn't even go home first. He came straight to where we were but after a mouthful of abuse, I told him to go home, get changed and check on B.

After another 40 minutes of the me and the police trying to talk to him he started hitting himself in the face. The police move closer to him to stop him hurting himself so he began to lash out at them. Kicking and shoving. Then they had to restrain him. This went on until Kev came back. When Kev arrived he stopped fighting and began crying again. This time he let Kev talk to him. Kev told him that he'd made a big mess over something so small as not wanting to do as he was told. But it was ok, because right then police were still happy to just let him leave it at that and go home. He told him that he should take the out. Say sorry to the policeman he kicked and tell them he wanted to come home. Thr reality was neither I or S had eaten that day. He finally agreed and the police let us take him home. By this time it was nearly 9.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 10:22

He didn't want us to stop at the shop and buy food and I hadn't been able to all day. We ended up having to drive home, then Kev and S went in, after grabbing a coat and leggings I went back to the shop to just buy enough for dinner that night. I was too tired to drive to the big supermarket and do the weekly shop we needed, but also we all needed dinner. By the time we were all fed it was after 10pm. After 11 by the time we got him sorted and 12.30 before we were relaxed enough to go to bed. Though I was exhausted I didn't sleep well at all. At 5am Kev had to get up for work and so I was awake again, this time worrying about him driving for 3 hours on 4 hours sleep again. Then worrying about S.

What really bothered me is that I couldn't have done anything any differently on Tuesday. I can't let his attitude towards his siblings result in him physically and verbally attacking them as he was in the car. I can't let his jelaousy and need to have one over on them, force me to pus them out. This is a very hard time for them too. Their mum is struggling with all this, it has caused a breakdown in the relationship between their mum and her long term partner, who she has been with since the children were tiny and who they think of as their dad. He is her youngest's dad. Before S left there were constant struggles in their house as he would get physical with his mum and siblings. He kicked off everyday for 3 1/2 weeks to the point were none of them could cope anymore. It is hard for S, but it is also hard for the others. This was always their safe haven when things were stressful in their house. A place for the girls to talk openly about boys and sex and growing up. To put any questions to someone they weren't comfortable putting to their mum. A place of quiet without 100 people in and out when they needed peace or somewhere to do their homework or revision. A place to come when they were struggling with anything. Be that problems at home, school, with friends or maths homework. They have lost that. I try to keep telling them it is still all those things but since S moved in they don't come to talk unless he is out with Kev. We talk via text but it's hard to give full support that way. These days they call and ask if they can come over, where as before they felt happy to just turn up. I was glad of that because it meant they had it in their heads that they could always come here. They need that. Everyone is struggling with this not just S. If I allow him to push the others out I remove their safety net. But also they will grow to resent him. He will always need and want the love and support of his siblings. I can't allow him to destroy it without meaning to.

His behaviour has already cost him almost all of his family. He has us and his mum and his siblings. His wider family gradually gave up as his behaviour worsened over the past 2 years. People he shoved or kicked stopped offering to look after him, eventually stoppped asking to see him. I don't think that's fair, I do think your family should try harder to stand by you with things like that. Not give up so easily. We didn't. But it's not my place to judge them. All I can do is try to help him keep the family he still has.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 10:28

As for the stealing, well I couldn't have acted differently about that either. He can't keep things he steals. If he does he will always steal. He also can't have knifes because he is not sensible with them. He has been violent and most of all the sovail worker wouldn't allow it. Even if it's just one on a multi tool.

I can't let him sleep all day. And I can't let him do what he wants. We all have to do things we don't like. He knows this. He is trying to push to do whatever he wants but we can't allow that. Yesterday he broke our banister. Broke a piece of our home trying to et what he wanted. If I gave into that he would just smash things every time he wanted anything.

Most of all it's the lies that worry me. He told the police a whole load of lies. Luckily his sister was here and can speak to what actually happened but a lot of the time it's just us and him. There would be no one to refute any other lies he decides to tell. The police really frustrated me by taking it as argument or a misunderstanding. It tells him that people believed his lies and on Wednesday morning I sat awake knowing that he'd use that again. On Wednesday he did.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 10:34

As I type this I've tried again to wake S with no luck just shouting.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 11:50

Well I was going to update with yesterday's problems but today we are off again. This time he has been stealing from me. When asked about about it he shoved me. Followed me round the house screaming at me, when I asked him to leave me alone and then started throwing things at me. Before storming out. Now back on hold to 101

JAMES4578

31-08-2017, 12:30

I'm so sorry to hear about the latest turn of events Jerry, obviously bound to be setbacks but you've had a bit of a nightmare over the last few days. Sure you haven't done anything to cause it and hopefully just a temporary explosion from S though obviously there are issues which may raise their head time to time. Think yourself and Kev are doing a great job and admire your determination to try and find a way through the tough times even when it is difficult. When the good times more frequent than the bad it is obviously positive, though this particular episode must be very difficult to deal with-it is clear than there must be boundaries. Just hope things calm down and you can have some good times again but must be limits what you can put up with. In stressful situations you obviously need support and to be able to have some breaks.

supergran

31-08-2017, 13:02

This is upsetting to read. You and Kev are doing a wonderful job and going through so much. We have been in touch so again I'll say you both need respite otherwise you are going to be ill. I actually don't know how you cope, I'm certain that I could not do what you do. I would lose my temper and give up on him which is why I admire you both so much. Disappointing that the police are not very concerned about you, they must have records of S's behaviour and have met social workers at your home. Please, please think about a break for your and Kev's sake.

Teresa

31-08-2017, 13:21

It's incredibly difficult, and not something that has any easy answers. I admire you beyond all measure for what you are doing, but it does sound like there needs to be a Plan B. To what extent does anybody, disabled or not have the right to completely trash the lives of everyone around them? Of course he can't be allowed to steal, assault people physically or destroy his environment. It's how you stop it that is the question. If S's problems are so complex, that you are not going to be able to, then the case is how far are you prepared to go? Only you and Kev know that.

It is not going to be about giving up, it's going to be about a weighing up of the impact on your lives, and the lives of his siblings, versus the benefit to Sam's life. I am not remotely suggesting that you pack it in now, but the possibility has to be considered for the future.

You said he had CP, has he been diagnosed with anything else?

Physical violence would be my personal "Red Line", but that's me.

hfwardhouse

31-08-2017, 15:58

Oh Jerry I feel for you - keep strong - you're doing an amazing job. S will realise that :grouphug:

JerryD

31-08-2017, 17:12

Other than his leaning difficulties and his CP he hasn't being diagnosed with anything. Today he was too violent and aggressively. The shoving and throwing things is one thing. But we ended up with him filling me round punching his fist into his hand at the side of my face. I know this is to intimidate me. But all I can do is keep mo one away from him. Today I ended up sitting on the floor in my room with my back to the door just to keep him out and stop him attacking and harassing me. It was insane. I sat there with my back against the door for ages waiting for him to stop. I pleased with him to stop. He could have gone out. But instead he wanted to kick my bedroom door and scream at me.

He's been in every drawer in my room. Stolen money as well as stuff like headphones. He's been burning plastic in his own room. Today he decided to take a hammer out with him. the tantrums and swearing and verbal abuse was one thing but today that has escalated to violence. He was trying to intimidate me, bully me. To get what he wanted. No different that anyone without a disability.

Later the police returned him and he ran at me. They got in the middle and gave him a telling off. He told them I was a horrible witch and all kinds of horrible words and that I'd stolen his multi tool. They told him he wasn't allowed it as it had a knife and that he wasn't allowed lighters either. When they didn't take his side he started hitting out at them. Shouting and swearing at me and making threats. He was then told by the police that if he continued they would arrest him.

They told him that his behaviour was unacceptable and he can't throw his weight around. They told him he was lucky to have me and I was doing an amazing job. They were fantastic. I really believed he was listening to them. Eventually when he'd been calm a while they asked if I was comfortable with him staying. I said he could. The lead officer made me promise that if he threatened or intimated me or got violent in anyway I would call 999. He said he didn't feel that comfortable leaving me with him but I told him it would be fine. He gave S another warning and told him to go to his room until he could be nice or at least not nasty. He went in the house calmly. His mum had come over after all the chaos and she came in too. As soon as the police car left the street he was back downstairs shouting at us both. Firstly name calling them running over and putting his face up to mine again. Then banging things around. I told him to go to his room and calm down but he told me to swear off. Eventually he went upstairs and when his mum went to see him he was in my room going through it again. Then he stormed back out. After telling us that we had both ruined his life and taking more money.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 17:22

I spoke to social worker and told him all that had happened. Mine is in holiday. He asked if the child could still stay here and I said yes. I said I could cope with days like today. With lies and verbal assaults, theft and tantrums, even searching my stuff. To a certain extent I'll put off with throwing things and breaking things. But I will not be hit. Shoving and throwing I will cope with, but not being hit. If he starts hitting then that is our red line. I hope he doesn't. But if he does then it's something I know I can't accept. The social worker said I was doing all I can etc etc. He said he'd try and see sam. But yesterday the social worker was here and the child didn't return until he left. It won't be that simple.

He accepted my line but said that he thought when the childreturns to school his behaviour will improve. He was nice and understanding. We are going to keep trying for S. Obviously I will have to store my valuables elsewhere, he will have to stay near us in the shop etc. But we are still hoping to be able to help him. Everyday I feel like the chance of helping him slips away a little more, but we can only try.

When he was seen about an hour ago he was telling people he'd been kicked out again. Simply not true. He just wants to stay out until he's spent the money he stole and is tired or hungry. That's the truth. For now I'm going to get a cup of tea and something to eat for the first time today before I have to go looking for him again.

cazza99

31-08-2017, 17:39

:grouphug: Jerry

goldfish

31-08-2017, 18:07

JerryD, heartbreaking. You have such mental strength and love to keep supporting S and his family. I know I couldn't cope with half of the behaviour you are subjected to. Wishing for a huge improvement when Sam returns to school and for a few hours of peace for you and Kev each day.

Josephine

31-08-2017, 18:07

Sounds like he has severe psychological problems, and sadly mental health care for people his age is very hard to get.

But I think this is urgently needed so he can find a way to express his anger in a different way and hopefully learn to control it.

There are limits to the behaviour anyone can deal with. If someone is a danger to himself or others, then maybe some different form of intervention is needed which could still result in him being able to live with you eventually.

But horrendously difficult situation. My own family has been through the 'danger to self or others' situation many years ago - though not with such an extreme level of potential violence. Best wishes to you all.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 18:26

He is lucky enough that he does have a camhs worker because of the behaviour he exhibited at his mums, however as af the last meeting there had been no violence or threats the next appointment wasn't scheduled. I do plan to get on to them tomorrow and get the next appointment in the diary. He goes back to school on Tuesday and hopefully then I can catch up on all the work I am behind on. Kev could stop going to G and back everyday. Feel comfortable in staying there a few nights a week again so he isn't completely exhausted and driving over 1000 miles a week. Driving for 3 hours to work 9 hours and drive for 3 hours home. He's out 15 hours a day and come back to help me search for S and convince him to come home. I'm in awe of him. I don't think I could cope if I was doing all this with all he has on. By the time we have dinner at get to bed it's gone midnight. Long term it won't be possible to carry on as we are.

We have to just keep trying to reach S, trying everything we can. But no one can work 15 hour days on 4 hours sleep forever. Hopefully we can help S change his behaviour and go back to how he was before holiday. Maybe we could give him something else to look forward to. If he was calm long enough to have a conversation. Just keep crossing our fingers. I have found S now and he still refuses to come home. So I'm going to watch the first tennis I've seen since Wimbledon and have a cup of green tea.

Thank you for all your support and kind words. It does help xx

ljs

31-08-2017, 18:58

oh Jerry , wish I lived close to you so I could give you a :grouphug: in person

Your one amazing woman !!

JerryD

31-08-2017, 20:01

Yesterday was bad. It's when the violence began I guess. When I caught him shouting a searing at the Morrisons security guard whilst spitting at him. He was making threats to that guy then. I guess I should have seen today coming. I went back to find S just now, I caught up with him hanging outside his mums. As I approached he told the woman He was talking to that I'd been abusing him! That I'd been nothing but mean to him since he came here and today I threatened him. He told her he kept asking me to leave him alone!!

I told him no such thing happened and that Kev, his mum and the police all heard him threaten me but we could try and start agian. To do that he needed to come home. He refused. He started throwing things at me again and swearing. Then went to attack me. Luckily his mum got in the middle and he backed off. I walked to my car but he followed me and wouldn't move to let me back in it until his mum moved him. As I got in he booted my car and shouted that he'd be back when he was ready.

I gave come home now and Kev has gone to try again. But he is still in a violent rage so I don't know what good it will do. I told him if he doesn't want to live here P will see him tomorrow and he an talk to him. He just told me to swear word off.

Alis

31-08-2017, 20:14

Jerry - that is so hard. You have done everything you can - it must be so traumatic for you. We are all behind you. What you have done for S so far is absolutely amazing - I just hope he realises it before it's too late.

Jan

31-08-2017, 20:21

Crumbs Jerry I take my hat off to you both for all you're trying to do. I can't imagine what it's like for you.
Don't forget that you must look after yourselves as well as S.
:flowers:

JerryD

31-08-2017, 21:37

refused to come home with or Kev. We kept going back to him but he ran off again so in the end we had to report him missing again. We've not seen him anywhere since 9.20 Kev is out searching now. My turn next :(

Alis

31-08-2017, 21:40

Oh, Jerry - what a nightmare.

patlowe

31-08-2017, 22:03

That was the most disturbing piece of reading I've done in a while Jerry. How you do what you do is quite beyond me. Yes, tough love is tough, but even that seems unworkable. You are right, the situation is not sustainable. I really hope that an answer can be found and whatever that is, you must remember you couldn't have tried any harder and by no stretch of the imagination have you in any way failed. Quite the opposite...you are an absolute winner. It's proved how strong you are and demonstrates what a treasure you have in Kev. My thoughts are with you. Take care. x

JerryD

31-08-2017, 22:13

Kev has been on the go since 5am. Driven 250 miles worked a 10 hour day. Out from 5am - 8pm and then we've been doing this since he got home. We are both just exhausted. Kev has found him now so hopefully he will come home. The police can do their safe and well check and he can go to bed and we can to #exhausted

Alis

31-08-2017, 22:22

I really hope you both manage to get some rest.

JerryD

31-08-2017, 22:56

He had to be searched again as he has been gone a long time, as per the social workers instructions to make sure he doesn't have lighters or knives. He hid his jacket and caused a big scene so at this time of night we had to search for it. He had stashed it down the back of the chair. In it was another multi tool knife. Exactly like the first. Presumably stolen from a shop or purchased with money he stole from here. So now he is off on one again demanding his knife back. It's going to be a long night.

Teresa

31-08-2017, 23:14

JerryD

31-08-2017, 23:27

We managed to convince him not to go out. But he says he is tomorrow. We've asked him if he still wants to live here, he says yes but won't accept that he won't be allowed if he continues. I have heard him in my room a few times now but I haven't go the energy to go uonand ask him what he is doing in there. Tonight we'll have to lock the doors and put valuables in our room then block the door from the inside and hope for a better tomorrow.

JerryD

01-09-2017, 11:08

This morning because we were both exhausted we let 10.30 come and go without waking S. Just trying to re-energise for the day ahead. We sat in the garden with a cup of tea enjoying the quiet. Sadly when we came in he had already got up and was searching our room again. Ok being discovered he kicked off. Demanded we call his social worker which we did. He shouted at him too before storming out. After he did, I found my handbag tipped out and my jewellery box open. Nothing seems to have been taken, but I don't have any cash left in the house.

I pushed Sw saying that this was not helping and we needed a new plan. At first he said well let's start telling S he can go out, which is all very well, but needed to be said before he became violent. Otherwise he will think that being violent with me will mean that he can get what he wants. So the new plan is when he wanders out we leave him. We go about our life, whether that's the shop or the gym or whatever. If he returns home and we aren't back yet he does what any other kid not trusted to have a key does, he waits. When it goes dark we have to try and round him up. If he doesn't agree to come then we have to wait til 10 and report it to the police.

It does make life a little easier for us, but ultimately he will do what he wants when he wants. As for being in my room, apparently I should get a lock and hide valuables! In my own home. What kind of plan is that? Oh well. Finally I can get a shower in peace because I probably stink and go and do the food shop.

JerryD

01-09-2017, 21:04

He was out from 11.30 until 9pm tonight. He was regularly spotted between 11.30 and 5 but then vanished until he was found by my wonderfreind friend and neighbour. She is a star. As he came to the house we told him he would need to be checked for knives and lighters, so he said I'm not staying for this swearword and ran off again. No doubt to stash what he had. We waited in the street for him to reappear when the two pcsos from Yesterday appeared. They asked if S was off again and I explained he ran off when we told him we had to check him. They followed him and found him emerging from an entry, probably stashing his contraband as when they searched him he didn't have anything.

They returned him to the door and asked if he could come in (he had told them again that he had been thrown out, tears and all, no one loves him, no one wants him). They asked him if he wanted to stay here and he said yes. When he came in he said he was hungry. As if nothing had happened. He has refused a shower since Sunday, but as the pcso told him they be around for a while I took the opportunity and told him to get in the shower. After his dinner at 9.30, we sent him to bed. It seems harsh bust we've tried explaining, we've tried pleading, giving him more independence, more choices and activities. Yet he still does as he pleases. So tonight we are trying it a new way. He called Kev to try and explain himself but Kev told him, no S, we can't talk about this today. We are exhausted. We can talk about everything tomorrow. Providing you don't take yourself straight out. He stormed to his room after that.

On the plus side it is earlier that yesterday. Much earlier. So fingers crossed he stays in and we can get to bed before 2am. I feel awful sitting here, in case he is upset. I doubt that he is, but it's not a good feeling. Though we have honestly tried everything else. Of course I've moved my valuables and will be keeping my handbag on me at all times. I am going to eat my weight in malteasers (and it's a heavier weight at the moment), then sleep like the dead :)

clancy

02-09-2017, 06:45

I thought Andy gave us roller coasters but the ones S's giving you and Kev are just unbelievable and I truly don't know how you are coping. As with Andy something's got to give and I don't want it to be you. x

hfwardhouse

02-09-2017, 15:12

Rosalind

03-09-2017, 07:12

Jerry I have read just some of the posts. You and Kev are lovely - do take care of yourselves. This stress on you can lead to health problems of your own as I'm sure you are aware. Put yourselves first. I'm not going to comment too much as I haven't read all the story but from what I'm reading, and as others have said, this is not sustainable. Take care and thinking of you. X

Linda

03-09-2017, 15:48

Jerry, I'm so sorry to hear that the situation has become so bad. When you were doing so well, too. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :hug:

JerryD

04-09-2017, 10:14

Oh Jerry please be careful. I'm amazed he hasn't been diagnosed with anything else. My friend's daughter has CP and epilepsy and just been diagnosed with ASD. She flies off the handle when she's not coping, she's not violent really but does lash out. They've had to hold her down at times for her own and their safety.

I find holding him makes him more difficult. It just escalates things. Results in kicking/biting. I just leave the room and hope for the best. Sometimes that works. Othertimes he follows.

he went to live with his dad years afo, along with 2 of his brothers. He was witness to his horrendous behaviour, returned home at 9 years old after witnessing this for 6 years. From that he exhibits a number of bad behaviours and attitudes/beliefs.

He didn't learn discipline or respect. Sadly it took until people were frustrated and exhausted by these behaviours for anyone to attempt discipline. By then he was 12 and beginning puberty. the whole family were just struggling with his behaviour. In the end he became a danger to others and himself.

When he first came here it was here or a home. Though we believed it was only going to be a respite. When they told us to start the foster care process, they told us it was just because we had used up all the time we could have him in our care (as he is a looked after child), without starting the process. From when he was here for 4 weeks before Wimbledon, before being returned to his mums. It was just a formality. At some point the formality turned to he will be here for a lwhile until things settle at his mums and he gets more help from fusion and the disabled children's team. From there is was 3-6 months and suddenly one day it became forever. Something which came as a huge shock to his mum. Though I guess given how much they'd moved the goal posts we already expected it. It is daunting for two people who though we love children, didn't want any of our own. We had all kinds of adventures and working abroad and house building planned. It sometimes feed a bit like a secret with the socail workers. As if you can't tell them that you didn't want children in case they think that you aren't or won't be doing your best for S. As if you won't be patient and loving. These fears are made worse when he storms off and then makes up lies.

On Saturday he stormed off because he was told to do something. He left at 11 after he had eaten. He was seen playing with local kids, absolutely fine. But when he saw my neighbour and friend he told her again that I was always horrible to him. That I hadn't fed him and that I'd chucked him out and no he was homeless and just needed to some money to call his social worker. She obviously told him to go home, and stop telling lies. So he went to his mums and tried it there. Initially when he came to stay we just put him in the guest room, but his mum knew that on that Saturday we were busy making a room that was just his. Sorting his furniture and his own bedding etc. Eventually at 5pm he came home. With no mention of lies he had told everyone. He said he was frustrated and needed some space. We went to IKEA and got his furniture. Then came home and set it all up. He was good on Saturday night and B stayed over too.

He was good all day Sunday. Happy with his room and with all his clothes away nicely. It was a good day. I was hopeful. Until this morning as I'm sorting washing in my room, I hear him get up. He sneaks downstairs and there are noises as he rummages around. Then having found whatever he has decided to take, he goes back up and I hear his drawers going. When I go in he's back in bed, pretending to be asleep. When I asked him he said he'd been down for water. I told him I would have to check his room so he should just handover what he took. But he denied taking anything. Searched his room and he had taken stuff. Then he insists someone else put it there. Next time I go up he is moving his mattress. I guess storing whatever I didn't find. But there is no point going through it again so this time I leave it.

JerryD

04-09-2017, 11:32

He has a bike hammer in his toolkit. After Thursday's violent episode, he stormed out, taking it with him. When he returns with it I was told to Confiscate it which I did. Today over an hour after he'd been in his room sulking he can down shouting and swearing at me. When he was clear I realised he was going on about the hammer. I calmly explained that the hammer was taken on the order of his social worker, last week. He told me to go and get it or he would trash my house and break my stuff. He stormed upstairs to my room. I followed him and explained that the hammer was no longer in this house so there was no need to search. I told him that when he went a few weeks without a violent outburst or being found with knives he could have it back. He made violent threats. All just stuff he says to make you afraid and intimidated. I told him it wasn't there either. It was with Kev. So there was no point searching here or bothering his mum.

He continued shouting and swearing, then started punching walls. When that didn't get a response it was threats again. When that didn't work he followed me downstairs ahoiting. Then it was head butting the fridge. When none of these things got me to either shout at him, produce the hammer or argue. He demanded I call his social worker I said I would and he started insisting I do it quicker.

When SW answered S told him I'd been stealing from him and he'd had enough. He went on to explain about the hammer and The SW confirmed I'd been told to take it. So he began shouting and swearing at P. Sadly he continued his threats to stab me, burn my house down, slit my throat etc. All of which Saw heard and told him to calm down and that if he continued with these threats the SW himself would call 999 and have the police here. He lowered his voice so he was no longer shouting but continued with the threats. When he walked off I told SW I was ok but didn't want to refuse S access to his social worker when he was demanding it. He said ok and that if he broke anything, hit me, threw anything or just continued with this then to call the police.

After I'd got of the phone he was back again shouting and swearing. Punching his fist into his hand by my face. I didn't react, I didn't shout I didn't wince.i just sat there. He continued to make threats and I sat there reading the news until he said he was going to get a gang of mates to torch the house and trash my car, and stormed out the front door.

5 minutes later he was back banging on the door again. But o told him to sit there until he calmed down and then I would let him back in. He told me to swearword off and then ran off down the street.

The social worker called back to check everything was ok. He said he'd be out to see me this week and would be going to see S tomorrow when he starts back at school.

I am exhausted, saddened because I thought we turned a corner on Saturday. I am a bit worried that the only reason S didn't carry on this way at the weekend and Friday, (I mean the violence and threats), was because Kev was here. I hope that's not the reason, because a lot of the time it will just be me and the child . Kev can't drive to G and back everyday. I hope that he comes back and behaves. That he stops these outbursts. I don't think he means any his of threats. He didn't throw anything at me today, there was no shoving either. Though o am the first to admit, it is a sad state when these things are your wins.

Today I plan to get on with my work, with my epic to do list and hope when he returns he is calm. Also hope for a better tomorrow. Keep trying our best. Stay firm with him and hope to teach him what is acceptable and what isn't. Hope to teach him no means no and kick offs don't change that.

This boy who didn't have all his alphabet when he came here not only wrote it all down and not in order, which is harder, but also told me which each one was. That was the week we went camping. We got there. Then yesterday he was reading some words. He no has another 5 numbers. He is making huge progress, we just need some progress in his bahviour too.

hfwardhouse

04-09-2017, 12:19

You're a brave woman Jerry - good on you for not letting him intimidate you - but please take care. Can't wait to see you in Newcastle and give you a big hug! x

goldfish

04-09-2017, 12:24

I was reading today's story aloud to John just now but I didn't manage to get to the end as I was so choked up. What a sad life S has had and what courage you and Kev have shown to take him in, subject yourselves to this horrendous behaviour but still have belief and desire to make a difference. You are making a big difference too - how brilliant to get so far already with his reading and numbers. I am in awe of your kindness and stamina. Well done and a big hug to you both.

JerryD

04-09-2017, 14:18

I do find writing this blog therapeutic and I find strength in the support of people whose faces I can see in my head when I read what they write or from those I haven't met but have talked to on here. I wouldn't take as much comfort from the words of strangers. I have tried foster care blogs, but they are not my place, it's often horrible story after horrible story with no room for comfort or hope. You put something up and someone comes up with their worse story, then someone else with a darker one. They do drain you. I know they are there for good reason and with the best intentions. Really they are as bad a the functions they used to have for foster kids when I was in foster care. A group of people with a story worse that yours that only served to make you put up with more for fear it could be worse. I have no idea how to improve these things but I never gained any comfort or support from them.

Here I have a sounding board and a place to gather my thoughts in a way that allows me to clear things in my own head. Think about what we have achieved or what we could. I thank you all for your support and apologise if my blog does or has crossed any lines.

I told the police that I don't believe the threats. They are just a mixture of frustration and intimindation. He just has to learn that this is not acceptable and it doesn't get him what he wants. The police (two of the tallest people in existence), said that I did right and that I was doing a good job and doing all I could. Hopefully He will return when he's calm and we will have a better day tomorrow. Kev is now driving back from G after driving there this morning. The real credit goes to him. He is able to do more than anyone else I know. All for the good of The child. Coming back to try and calm him.

Teresa

04-09-2017, 17:49

JerryD

04-09-2017, 18:01

It is sounding more and more like you were railroaded into this. Given this is a lad who is going to need long term care, are you and Kev certain that you want to take this on? It's not selfish to say, actually we had other plans.

It is sounding more and more like poor S is damaged beyond repair.

Are you getting Disability Living Allowance and Attendance Allowance for him? On the letters and numbers front, Lidles have some good literacy stuff this week.

Whilst I admit the goal posts were repeatedly moved we do still want to give S and home and give him time to change his behaviour. Having said that he's been back twice and be kicking and punching the walls and doors. We can't endlessly have this levelnor violence and threat. Kev can't come back and forth from gaydon everyday either. But for now we both just keep trying all we can and hoping for the best. I hope he comes home calm and tomorrow is better. Not that his social worker is vey comfortable with the threat etc he heard earlier.

I have the Character books for him, Star Wars matchs, cars phonics and spider man reading. He was enjoying them. Thanks for the tip though. No We don't receive that. His mum used to get dla but it stopped when he came here.

Teresa

04-09-2017, 18:19

Why on earth did it stop? You should be getting it for him, and attendance Allowance as well. Looked After Children can have it. I have filled out enough DLA forms in my time for Looked After Children. I don't want to pry, but are you sure his mum isn't still getting it?

Might be worth ringing the DLA help line. If ever a child qualified for it, I would say S does. It's not an insignificant amount of money.

Can I suggest you chase this up. It's beyond ridiculous you are not getting it. You should also be getting carers Allowance/Attendance Allowance for him.

Quite happy to help if I can. I am a demon on those forms. I regard them as a personal challenge.

cazza99

04-09-2017, 18:20

Strange that the DLA stopped when he moved to yours - surely they should have passed it on. You ought to be able to get PIP for him (replacement for DLA). It might be worth looking into carers allowance.

Teresa

04-09-2017, 18:36

It should have continued and after 12 weeks should be transferred to you.

"Where a child is placed in foster carer both the ‘Care’ component and the ‘Mobility’ component will continue. However, the DWP take the view that the appointeeship should be switched from the parent to another appropriate person unless the stay in care is intended to be for less than 12 weeks".

You definitely need to chase this up. It's for the care of the child, and this surely includes Kev's petrol costs for chasing about after him. Also replacement things he has broken in his tantrums.

I bought a set of the Lidl's things for a friend of mine who does SEN in a secondary school. They are only £4 per set, and are for up to 8 year olds, but they are not babyish. If you are interested, I will pick up a couple of sets for you when I am in Lidles on Wed. With my compliments.

JerryD

04-09-2017, 20:04

I understood that the social worker told mum to stop her claim and he was under the impression that she had to stop the claim and then a new one had to be started, after we had been through the panel process. They said they wanted her to stop the claim even though at the time it had only been 7 weeks, because the decision had been made that sam was never to return home. i will speak to her and ask her what they said.

Luckily the damage to the door isn't a big fix, some wood filler and more varnish. The hole in the wall and dent in the Fridge are harder to fix but doable. It is expensive for Kev to do round trips to G, but mainly it's exhausting. That's why he usually stays there a few nights a week. To give his body and mind a rest, mainly from all that driving. I'd sit somewhere and cry I I had to dative 260 miles a day.

The worst part is after coming back and kicking the door and punching the windows several times, when I walked to the shop just an hour ago, he was just out hanging about with local kids as if it was nothing. What worries me on this is that he doesn't see his behaviour earlier as serious or dangerous, therefore it may never change.

He was told to get himself home where Kev was. But he ignored it. I returned home and he was still out doing exactly as he wanted. He will come home when he's ready and not before. I just hope its soon as we are both shattered.

Thank you Teresa that is really kind of you. I currently have him on early stage English, though he has moved up to 5-6 ok his numbers.

Teresa

04-09-2017, 20:15

I will pick them up. They had quite a few on Sat.

Sounds like someone has made a big mistake. The forms are foul, but even if you have to make a new claim I would be very surprised if you didn't get it. Once you have spoken to his mum, then you can look at the forms on the Internet on the

https://www.gov.uk/disability-living-allowance-children/how-to-claim

The child has to be under 16, then if over 16 it's PIP. The forms look difficult, but compared with the Fostering forms they will be a piece of cake. Your blog on here will count as some of the evidence.

Quite happy to help. I am quite good at them.

Not sure about carers Allowance, I will investigate, but won't be until later in week.

Alis

04-09-2017, 20:16

Jerry, I am absolutely in awe of your tenacity. You and Kev are made of stern stuff - I take my hat off to both of you.

clancy

05-09-2017, 07:54

JerryD, my heart is in my mouth each time I read your posts. I seriously worry for your safety. Is S on medication? (I may have missed it in earlier posts). My son and his wife are looking into fostering right now and I have a friend whose daughter was brought to the edge - both her health and her marriage - by issues similar to yours but by no means as frightening, so am fully involved in your tale and hope for a happy ending for everyone (but know it doesn't always happen!)

JerryD

05-09-2017, 08:03

It really doesn't help that this is now the 4th day in a row I've been woken by cramps in my legs. What's that about. He is now back because it's tipping down and he doesn't want to get his new clothes wet. No apologies. Just has my school bus been? What do I do if I missed it? Then kev's having a panic because he text and I didn't reply as I was trying to contact the bus company, but Kev thinks S's attacking me or something and I can't get to the phone.

I didn't realise until now that after a number of days of this Kev is really stressed and worried everytime he leaves me alone in the house with S. I knew he was worried but he was panicked. Obviously if he attacked me physically again I would call the police. He's had his warning.

Thank goodness bus has finally arrived. I told him to be good as he left so he threw a bottle at me. There is no end to this violence and aggression. He thinks he right. As he left he shouted don't be arguing with me. For the bus and helper on the bus I guess. Who knows what that means. I keep getting hope that things will improve but it seems the time between him waking up and kicking off is getting smaller and smaller. We've had over 2 hours of this and it's not even 9am.

Teresa

05-09-2017, 08:42

I would strongly suggest that the cramps are a stress response.

You are not going to like what I am going to say, but that's never stopped me before, and I say with the best possible motives.

This young man has been damaged beyond repair by the adults who raised him. I think his Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties are not ones that can be met in the domestic home situation.

You and Kev have the options of battling on until one of you - probably you gets seriously hurt - what if the bottle was glass he threw at you? or Kev is so knackered he crashes his car. OR

You do the sensible thing and contact Social Services and call a halt to this.

I strongly suspect, being a cynical old ratbag, that the reason Social Services want him with you is economic. The Fostering and Adoption services are littered with cases where Social Services have been economical with the truth, and damaged children have been placed in families without appropriate support with catastrophic results.

You have to remember that S is highly unlikely to "grow out" of this behaviour. You are taking on this situation probably for the next 5 year's at least.

Are you and Kev prepared to live like this for that long?

Apologies if I am talking out of turn, but I honestly think you would be better having S taken into Social Services Care and supporting him as you used to by visits and the odd weekend.

S is destroying you both - and for what actual gain?

Is the fact S can now read a few words, worth what he is doing to you both? (I don't mean that in a factious way).

BTW - surely S throwing objects at you is by definition Physical Assault? If when we meet in Newcastle I, or any other AMFF member decided to chuck a plastic water bottle, or a wine bottle at you, and you called the cops, I/we would be up in court on a charge of Assault faster than my dog would reach me if I shout "biscuit" at her.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear?

Linda

05-09-2017, 11:11

Mickey

05-09-2017, 11:19

I have been reading this with increasing horror but not posting what I thought for fear of causing offence. But as Teresa has bravely already said it, I will now say that I agree with her. S needs to be placed in a secure unit before he causes serious harm to somebody. You have done everything anyone possibly could but you can't do the impossible.
I feel the same as Teresa and Linda that S needs help and you need to protect yourselves.You both have tried everything but things seem to be getting worse.

JAMES4578

05-09-2017, 13:07

I certainly am concerned Jerry, the horrendous behaviour has continued for some time even with the changes in approach and seems you are vulnerable when alone with S. You must both be under a lot of stress and really can't have too many exhausting days-kev shouldn't drive back and forth every day. I won't tell you what to do but think you need to carefully consider the options along with the Social Worker. I'm not writing S off and can see he's had a troubled background but managing him is going to be to be very challenging.

Josephine

05-09-2017, 16:28

Jerry I seriously think you should listen to advice as this is getting difficult to read without becoming involved. You are detailing how you are being threatened and abused and this is a very serious matter. You need to take steps to stop this abuse or someone who knows you should intervene.

WimbledonWestie

05-09-2017, 19:54

Feel I agree with folks here Jerry, it's a hard choice between head and heart - but at this rate neither of you will be in any state to look after S anyway. Listen to as much advice as you can and take care.

JerryD

05-09-2017, 20:35

Today was a push that these behaviours may not change. I have spoken to the social worker and he has had a sit down with S today. He will again tomorrow. It's been made clear to S that should this behaviour continue he will be moved. He is staying with us whilst we hope for an improvement as a result of the social workers intervention, but as there may not be one, he is also looking at other placements.. Maybe not forever, maybe there will be a change in his behaviour. If there is we will try again. But today he ran away from the social worker and was gone for 5 hours so we and hope for change, but that might be all it is.

It's been a horrendous day, a long one and one that there may be no comeback from now. I don't feel like I am in danger as the aggression and throwing things aren't too bad. But I am thinking that there is no point in the risk, if I can't help S. At the moment I don't seem to be helping him at all. He pretty much does as he pleases.

Another episode like today and S will have to be moved. It's not what I want, or what his mum wants, or Kev, but it is the sensible thing. Thank you for all your kind words and advice. It is stuff I know. But I was hoping for the best. Throwing I accepted, along with verbal assaults and threats I knew he wouldn't carry out. However, even though I don't feel in danger and Kev accepts now that I'm not in danger, we cannot go on as we are. He will just think he can rule the roost.

I began this blog as a way of working through things in my head hoping it helped. I'm sorry that it has raised concern, we are both fine and Woking on a new plan for S.

Alis

05-09-2017, 20:53

Well, if S is moved, at least you will know that you have done all that you can for him, Jerry. Definitely over and above the call of duty! Sadly, perhaps it will only be when he is moved that S will appreciate what you have tried to do for him

Teresa

05-09-2017, 21:04

It is good that the blog has helped you, and I hope it continues to do so. Sometimes however, it helps and is necessary to have people who are not emotionally involved looking at what is happening and questioning.

I think whilst you are in the midst of the situation it's hard to do that.

You are all victims in this, You, Kev, S, his mum and his Siblings. There is an old quote, something along the lines of "Give me a child until he is 7, and I will show you the man he will become".

I wish you all well.

patlowe

05-09-2017, 22:25

Jerry I have run out of words to say to you, or at least meaningful words. I fully understand your optimism and your hope that things will somehow change and get better. That's what has kept you going. It is good that you are optimistic...helps to keep you positive. I know your wish is to help S and you can certainly say you have tried (and tried very hard too), and I sincerely hope a way forward can be found which benefits everybody. You know we are always here. Take care. x

Rosalind

05-09-2017, 22:26

Like I wrote before, I don't know all the story but I've also been worried for you and can't help agreeing with what others have in general written above. I'm worried for your safety. x

JerryD

06-09-2017, 20:19

Today as well as the social worker, His teacher has a word with him. He had been complaining to him that we were mean and unfair and took his hammer. The teacher also set him straight. He told S that we are a team, his foster parents, his school, his sovail worker and him. All the other members of the team are trying their best to keep sam here but with his behaviour he is making the choice to move. A move which would see him not only change house but also change school. They had along discussion about what needs to change.

He got off the school bus and knocked on the front door. When he came in he apologised for his behaviour. He said he wanted to stay here and he didn't want to get himself moved. We explained our position again and made it clear what we would and wouldn't accept. He agreed and said he'd rather stay here and follow the rules, keep a lid on the aggression than move elsewhere. From then on he did as he was told, he tidied his room, stripped and remade his bed, got a shower. He then asked to carry on with work that he'd missed while on his run offs. While I made dinner he sat and coloured. He brushed up and set the table. He was like that all evening from 4 until heading to get ready for bed. Hopefully this is a fresh start. The run offs we can cope with. But not the aggression. Hopefully we've seen the end of that. Fingers crossed.

themass15

06-09-2017, 20:27

I hadn't read your thread for a while Jerry but am very sad to think of what you and Kev are going through. I do hope you are able to see your way through it and come to the right decision.

Teresa

06-09-2017, 20:29

That sounds positive. In a spirit of optimism, I picked up the literacy things today - one set of addition and subtraction tiles, and one set of letter tiles. Are you doing time with S?

JerryD

06-09-2017, 21:03

That sounds positive. In a spirit of optimism, I picked up the literacy things today - one set of addition and subtraction tiles, and one set of letter tiles. Are you doing time with S?

Yeah today we did some phonics work and a couple of counting exercises and games. He was happy doing it and pleased with his progress. Also excited to show his mum when she came round before bed.

hfwardhouse

06-09-2017, 22:31

Sounds much more positive. Hopefully the fear of a move and more change will keep him calmer. X

pabbers

07-09-2017, 14:39

I'm glad things have been a bit calmer.
Just to remind folk that this is an open forum so whilst only members can post, anyone the world over can read...... just thinking of confidentiality/privacy :thanks:

Rosalind

07-09-2017, 18:51

Caro

13-09-2017, 14:48

I don't know where to start Jerry .... I have been away and not been on the forum so have only just caught up with this heartbreaking blog. Honestly, I am in tears reading it. Having spent time with you and Kev at DCs and Wimbledon, I know we have lots in common and I am fond of you both. You are wonderful, caring people and what you are trying to do for S is utterly selfless and awe inspiring quite frankly.

I really hope things turn a corner for you all because if things don't change, Teresa and others are probably right, you will have done EVERYTHING you can to help Sam and it may be time for change. But I'm keeping everything crossed for you. I don't want you to feel like you have failed and despite what anyone says, and nothing being further from the truth, I know you would feel that.

Roll on Newcastle so I can give you a big hug and buy you a big prosecco and a cocktail or 2 :hug::wino::wino:

clancy

14-09-2017, 07:55

I have been on holiday for a week and on my return needed to catch up on family and friends' troubles and this included your's and Maureen's. I felt there would be no happy news on any front and of course there isn't, but your problems are looking somewhat easier, thank goodness. On my journey down to Gatwick I passed signs for G and realised how far Kev has been travelling sometimes on a daily basis with the worry of Sam's aggression to you on his mind. You deserve medals both of you and fingers crossed for Sam's continued improvement.

supergran

14-09-2017, 12:11

Hugs Jerry and Kev. Take care of each other. X

Caro

15-09-2017, 13:37

How are things Jerry? Not heard for a while. Thinking of you and Kev :grouphug:

pabbers

17-09-2017, 10:53

PLEASE READ:

At Jerry's request I have been through and anonymised all the posts above, she had done some herself but couldn't edit posts that weren't her own. I have also anonymised some bits of geography just to be on the safe side.

PLEASE from now on can you use initials for all names and places.

:thanks:

PS hope things are looking up, Jerry.

JerryD

18-09-2017, 11:13

Thank you so much for all your kind words.

Huge thank you to Pabbers for helping with the thread. It is really appreciated.

I wish I could say things have got better, but sadly it's a lot worse. I'm not sure where to start or what to say for now. We are still working though the events of the past week. All 3 of us are well. Kev and I have each other. Those are things to be grateful for.

I'll post an update soon.

hfwardhouse

18-09-2017, 11:26

:grouphug: Jerry - sorry things aren't improving - hope you've found a solution for this weekend ...

cazza99

18-09-2017, 11:43

:grouphug: Jerry

Teresa

18-09-2017, 12:08

Very sorry to hear this, but not truly surprised. At his current age, combined with the multiple disabilities- physical and behavioural, there was/is always only and outside chance that S's behaviour could be modified sufficiently to make this a goer.

Many years ago when I was teaching, I went to a meeting about Looked After Children, and there was an in depth discussion about the fact schools and social services were getting hammered, unjustly for failing to make sufficient progress with children. The point was made that the expectations were too high, given the starting point.

Don't let you and K destroy yourselves over this. There are some dead horses that you can flog until kingdom comes, and the horse will still remain dead.

Just remember it's not selfish, or a failure if you realise the cost for all of you is too high.

Regards,

Caro

18-09-2017, 12:23

Sincerely hoping you are still able to make Newcastle Jerry and Kev. You desperately deserve a break and I am looking forward to seeing you both xx So sorry to hear things are worse still ... struggling to imagine how they could have got a lot worse tbh. Take care xx

JerryD

18-09-2017, 13:48

Thank you guys. S's behaviour got a lot worse and even though we had set our bar low, and kept lowering it, the behaviour kept crossing our red lines. The stealing, breaking things, name calling and running off we accepted. We didn't push too much when he refused to shower. S gave up on his work and just went out all day everyday. Which led to the police looking for him and bringing him home. On school days he went out straight before school. Then the spitting increased, along with swearing and rummaging.

Each time the police returned him s was aggressive when they left. The shoving returned as did the threats and the throwing things. Again we accepted that. Then the aggression became so violent even I was concerned. In one night we had two incidents of violence. First s trapped me in the kitchen over anger that I was going to his school the next day. They had asked me to collect items he had taken in without permission and wanted me to begin searching him before he left. He shouted screamed and threatened whilst grabbing me and throwing things at me. I couldn't get to my phone. Didn't want to call the police anyway and didn't feel it would be right to push him out of the way. So instead I agreed not to go in to his school and he stopped.

It was far worse than any other incident, I backed down to him because in that moment I thought he would hurt me. Afterwards I wasn't sure, but in that moment I didn't feel safe. S left me alone and sat and ate his dinner and carried on as normal until it was bedtime. Then when I tried to tell him it was bedtime he was off again. Worse than in the kitchen, which was probably my fault for backing down. So I realised I couldn't back down again or he'd get more violent. S went For me and grabbed me by the wrist. He didn't hit me but he shoved me into the wall and tried to push me down the stairs. He kept following me and trying to grab me by the hair. All whilst screaming abuse and threats, when I pulled myself free he spat in my face. Kev phoned during this time and s stopped the attack and screaming as soon as he heard Kev say to call the police. Once I hung up and didn't call the police he was off again. In the end the the only that stopped s was me pretending to call them.

I called my voicemail and then gave my name and address and postcode. S stopped his screaming land burst into tears. Then went to bed. Now I've replayed that night since and regretting not calling the police. Then thought I did right. Then not again. At the time I knew he'd spend the night in a cell and my worry for him outweighed my common sense. I locked myself in the lounge, had dinner at midnight and realised that the aggression was getting much worse as were the threats. I ached and was going to be bruised the next day. I called kev and we agreed that I'd have to call the social worker and tel him what happened.

Knowing how things have progressed from then maybe I should have called the police. But s has been arrested before, when he was behaving this way at home: I felt sorry for him at the time, but the reality is if anything it only stoped this behaviour for a while not completely. There's no saying calling the police would have changed the outcome.

hfwardhouse

18-09-2017, 13:55

Oh no Jerry, that's awful for you to deal with.

Alis

18-09-2017, 14:23

A real living nightmare for you both, Jerry. I can't see how this is sustainable.

JerryD

18-09-2017, 14:29

The next morning s didn't want his swimming kit so I tried to hand it to the bus assistant. He began shouting and swearing at me again. He pushed me twice and as I turned to get into the house he chased after me and hit me on the back. I got him to stop by saying I'd call the police. He went on to school and I tried to get hold of the social worker. It took me until 2.30. The social worker agreed to come out, to get there before the school bus and have a chat. When The school bus came and s spotted the social workers car he started kicking the front door. He then began shouting and swearing and making threats. He grabbed weapons and threatened to use them if either of us spoke to his school, went to meetings, called the police if he went out. S took my phone and smashed it against the kitchen side. I told him I had a house phone and could still call the police so he got a knife. The sovail worker then deciding to call, but seeing him with his phone made it worse so I told him not to. When I left the room to answer a call, he went in my bag and took money from my purse. The social worker tried to stop him. When I returned and asked for it back he kept pushing me until I sat down so could lose balance. S demanded the rules change, demanded to know about his hammer. Demanded no one go to his school or check his room. Then insisted he was going out. We both said ok, we aren't stopping you but after 5 minutes he was back. Demanding that we both agree not to call the police. We agreed and he left again. All whilst shouting and screaming and making threats, being intimidating. It went on for nearly and hour. When s left the sovail worker said he was too dangerous to be in home environment. He said he needed more than one person to look after him. Or even two. He stayed with me until he knew Kev was around the corner. And said he'd call the next day.

Teresa

18-09-2017, 14:34

You haven't said where you are at now. Might I suggest you re-write the above account substituting K for S, and then think about how it would be viewed - K shoving you and pushing you, not having your phone and not feeling safe because of that, having to lock yourself away from K, and K trying to push you down stairs. You being bruised. It would be classical domestic abuse. Most domestic abusers are full of apologies after the event, and swear blind not to do it again, and they don't - until the next time................

From what you have said previously, S is aware enough that he knows what he is doing. He is using aggression and threats to control your actions, which is learned behaviour from his dad. He might not understand what psychological manipulation is, but that's what he is doing. You are not going to change his behaviour.

When I first got my rescue dog Millie, she growled at me and showed her teeth when she had a bone. I scruffed her, and gave her a sound telling off. She hasn't done it since. If I hadn't dealt with it, she would have learnt very quickly that it was an effective strategy. We would have had threats if I tried to shift her off the sofa, and it would have accelerated. Had the behaviour been repeated and I became frightened of her I couldn't have kept her.

On another occasion we were playing around with a ball and she caught me with one of her canine teeth jumping for it. Lots of blood, and it flipping hurt. It was a pure accident, and she wasn't told off.

I think you are at risk of categorising incidents as ball not bone, and seeing remorse when S is probably not actually capable of it.

This can't go on. Please tell me you realise this. As I said a while back, this is going to end with someone, probably you being badly hurt. Please stop it before it gets to that stage.

I am so sorry for you all - including S.

Edit - superseded by your second post. The SW is right. Has S been removed.

JerryD

18-09-2017, 14:46

He never did call. He knew Kev would be home until Monday so I guess he thought it would be fine. For the weekend we just let s off. If he didn't want to do something we didn't ask again. We let him get himself up when he was ready. We wanted to avoid a kickoff and give him a good weekend. It worked as it always has for school. Though he did just push to get away with more. We were upset thinking it was the last weekend and feeling awful because we weren't allowed to tell him. He saw his mum and his siblings. We held our sadness until he went to bed. Kev went in late and he went to school fine. Giving hugs before he left.

The social worker still didn't call so I called him. He didn't seem as worried about the behaviour as before. I told him about the weekend and he said that's probably the way to deal with things until they move him. They have to move him because he fears he will probably hit me seriously at some point. But they don't know when that will be.

But then he asked if I knew what had triggered this behaviour. I told him one night it was going out, the next morning it was not being allowed to wear shoes that were still wet. Then it was not taking a bag of contraband into school. Then it was having to call the police. The next week there was making his bed, getting a shower, me going to school and him going to bed and The seeing the social worker. He then said he didn't know how those things could be triggers and could o give it more thought. Maybe they could avoid it in the future. And he'll call me back.

Now I don't know how they are triggers. What he shouts at me most of the time is he's a man, I'm not the boss, I can't tell him what to do, I'm just a woman blah blah blah. Heis triggers on all those days was being told to do something he didn't want to whilst Kev wasn't home.

I don't know where we go from here. I've no idea what the social worker is saying or doing. Kev feels uncomfortable with me being alone with S. understandable now I guess. I can't say for sure that he's not going to attack me and can't be sure if I feel safe or not. My judgement is off, tangled in what's best for him, and the family and my love for him. I am bruised and sore and exhausted. Maybe moving him for a short time is the answer. Maybe the socail worker won't give us that option. He says he's looking at residential placements. For now we don't know what's what or what's best.

For now we just let him get away with whatever to avoid a kick off. That's the advice we've been given. If he becomes violent again I will call the police. Regardless of the time. It will be hard but I'll have to make myself do it xx

JerryD

18-09-2017, 14:57

I think in reality he has to be in an environment where there are more people to handle these behaviours. I don't honestly think that they will change. They may not flare up as often. but they are still dangerous.

I think the socail worker is trying ro get him placed locally and that is what is causing the delay. Not that they are ever clear with you really. He was calling me back and no his phone is off. Kev will be home tonight and tomorrow. S has had a good weekend through being appeased. I guess it's the thing we do now until they move him.

Teresa

18-09-2017, 15:15

I am sorry, you have to call both the police and Social Services and insist that S is removed now. If need be pass the buck and when he goes to school, ring the school and Social Services and say you are not prepared to have him back home. Or ring the police and say you can't have him with you. Social Services will leave it and leave it, because finding him a place is going to be expensive (I strongly expect that's the key reason), and difficult. They are hoping this will blow over. I am not a gambling woman, but I would bet S's Social Worker has been given a telling off by his boss, about resources. To put it bluntly people are cheap, residential placements are not. However that is their problem, not yours. You are going to have to force their hands.

This is not a "let's get at Social Workers" piece - this is the reality of the economic situation. The Social Worker said to you he was too dangerous to be in a home situation, yet several days later he is still with you. *** is going on.

It's sounds like the behaviour is escalating - regardless of whether you give in to him. If S does push you down the stairs, or take a knife to you you could end up with life changing injuries. If you are lying at the foot of the stairs with a broken neck, you are not going to be in the position of ringing the police.

I am actually feeling sick reading this.

I will also say that the best thing you can do for S is to get him put in secure residential care. If he gets some professional help now there might be some hope for him, if not I would suggest he is going to end up in the criminal justice system, (it's where people with a predilection for weapon use often end up eventually).

You can't live like this either of you. Please, please act.

JerryD

18-09-2017, 15:30

I have spoke to the social worker again. They are going to move him this week. Kev is going to be here until they do.

They know that this cannot continue. We know it too.

He is never violent when Kev is home. He's not even aggressive. I think this unit was one for people with similar behaviours that's why it's such a big deal. The social worker said that the weapons were part of making threats, when we spoke today, and that he may not act on them. We have said that it's a risk we cannot take.

i will not be alone with S again. There will always be at least two people in the House. Not that it's an issue anyway as today like many others he's taken himself out from the school bus and is unlikely to be home before dark. We will be safe.

It's a heartbreaking end. But he will be moving. Hopefully to a place where he can get the level of help he needs.

Teresa

18-09-2017, 17:08

Thank you. You have reassured me. I was getting really worried.

Another plea - don't think you have failed. You haven't. S was too badly damaged by the time he came to you. By the sounds of it, by his father.

A heartbreaking situation.

The 77 book is in my pile, so I won't forget it.

Looking forward to meeting you in Newcastle.

JAMES4578

18-09-2017, 18:21

So sorry to hear how intolerable the situation has become Jerry but had become a real risk, definitely for the best that S is moved and hope he can get the support he needs with appropriate staff levels. Glad that Kev will be with you until it is sorted out, of course realise even if the right course of action still a blow and heartbreaking. However in no way can you be faulted, there wasn't much more you both could've done and the commitment was 2nd to none-it's just the circumstances.

patlowe

18-09-2017, 20:35

The key words in your last post are "We know it too". So glad you recognise the true reality of the situation, heart breaking as it is for you. S was pushing the boundaries further and further making it unworkable for you. And Teresa is absolutely right, you haven't failed. If anything you are a real winner for having the heart to try this in the first place. And as you said, you and Kev have each other...that is massive. It's not the falling down that matters, but how you get up again, and I know you will get up and emerge from this a stronger, wiser person. And I hope proud of yourself for having tried.

Rosalind

18-09-2017, 21:17

I'm looking forward to reading your post that he has been moved from your home and you are safe. Sending many good thoughts and vibes. I have two nephews and never evet would I stand for this in any situation. I hope you and K can spend some time spoiling
yourselves including your trip to meet the AMFF where I'm sure you will be getting a lot of hugs. xx

JerryD

19-09-2017, 01:16

I am safe. Kev is here and he doesn't get that way when he is. Today s ran off from the school bus determined to go beat up some kid. He didn't do it. It was just a reason to give to go out without permission. We kept finding him and trying to bring him home but he refused. He didn't return until just before 2am.. Just as the police approached the front door to take a full issuing report. Kev said that s saw them from across the road where Kev had found him and was trying to convince him to come home. Only the sight of the police car encouraged him back in. During our searches we had a long period were he wasn't seen but it seems he was hauled up in someone else's house.

Police tried to talk to him. He wasn't interested and they agreed to us all going to bed. S has gone to bed, but we are too wide eyed. Tea and lavender pillow spray I think.

hfwardhouse

19-09-2017, 08:55

:grouphug:

supergran

19-09-2017, 11:24

Dear Jerry and Kev, thank God something is going to be done to sort this horrendous situation.I feel for you both and S. He does need to be in a secure environment, cared for by professionals. You have cared for him above and beyond the call of duty and love. I do hope the SS act quickly. Hugs and see you on Saturday when we can forget our troubles and sadness for little while.

WimbledonWestie

19-09-2017, 20:21

Glad to hear a resolution has been reached- you did your best- and in making this decision you still are! Enjoy a very well earned trip to Newcastle!

Caro

20-09-2017, 12:21

Really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday Jerry and Kev. You deserve some fun and I hope we can arrange that :party::party:

Just hope you can stay awake beyond 8pm because you must feel like sleeping for a week! The pair of you are utterly amazing for what you have tried to do. No-one could have tried harder or for longer. This all goes to show that sometimes formal care is the only option. I hope you and Kev and S's mum are ok xx

Genbrit

20-09-2017, 15:39

Just catching up with all the posts. Everyone has said what I feel, you have done the best you could and a lot more than many would have been able to. Hoping S can get the help he needs and you can readjust to normal daily life.

Let your friends here help you enjoy the weekend and begin the road to recovery from all of this.

Hugs and love :grouphug:

hfwardhouse

20-09-2017, 19:41

I hope things have been sorted for you Jerry and S is now in a safe place for him and you. See you on Saturday :)

JerryD

05-10-2017, 11:59

I'm sorry for the delay in updates, we have all been coming to terms with things. We are safe. S has been moved.
Following the episode on sept 14th the social worker told me s would be moved by the end of the next week (22nd). When he didn't get in touch with details I called him but he didn't repsond. Eventually on 20th almost 1 week since he deemed it wasn't safe he got in touch. During that week s had been calm over the weekend but had been going out. But had been aggressive in the mornings and evenings. The police had attended a few times, he had been out til 2am and they'd returned him a few times too. Kev had been driving back and forth 6 hours a day. I imagine what sparked the social workers call was a meeting they had with the police. After a week of police visits, the night before an inspector called me on my mobile (I know right?) from our main police station, not the local one, to discuss the situation. He felt s had to be moved and was going to kick the social workers. We had a police man sat opposite with his head in his hands that night just not knowing what to do so I guess that's why the big cheese got involved.

When the call came from the social worker it wasn't with a new placement. It was with an offer. At the time I considered it out of despairation and feeling like they wouldn't make the offer if they didn't think it would work. The offer was this, a support worker to help with s some mornings and some evenings until Kev got home, for a couple of months while s settled. Now firstly we had s for 3 months so I don't know why 2 more would help. S had got violent with me in front of the social worker so in time would do so in front of the support worker unless they had a bouncer sized one. What would happen when they leave? How would s act then? How would it stop him being out til 2am? Or stop Kev having to drive halfway down the country and back everyday? What about the weekends?

In despairation I considered it. It was madness of course. But they have a way of making you think it would work and you've not tried everything. That maybe you're overreacting and are giving up. Some of it is a game too, they don't want to take the child for your safety. They want you to have to ask for the removal. And ask repeatedly because they know how hard that is. Call me cynacial, but in the cold light of day afterwards I cannot imagine why else they would come up with this offer. They couldn't have imagined it would work. It was about 1 thing only - money - admitted by the social worker himself. A money decision - made higher up.

Anyway before I even called Kev to discuss the offer I knew it was stupid. Just too big a risk for nothing but money. So I called back but no answer. I got a text on 21st to say he would call, but that he was just letting me know they'd set up respite for the Newcastle trip and s would go straight from school on the Friday. No further call came of course. On Thursday S was terrible again. This time I had a neighbour on hand as Kev wasn't home yet. S eventually ran off and again was gone til 2am. Again we had police with their heads in their hands. Looking at a list of domestic calls and missing reports. Again the inspector called. On Friday i called careline and told them there was a dangerous situation. The social worker called me back then. I told him he was putting me in danger and needed to act quickly and the police agreed. I said that it wasn't about failing or not loving S, but about the situation being far to risky for anyone to handle. He said S would go to a temporary placement from respite and he'd call me on Monday 25th.

So we went to Newcastle and had a lovely time hoping it would be sorted soon.

JerryD

05-10-2017, 12:07

On the Monday after Newcastle the social woker called. S was coming home that night as there was nowhere available. Kev wasn't due home as we didn't know s would be back. So s's mum came over. She too felt that it had gone too far and s needed care we couldn't provide as well as that it wasn't safe. S came home flipping out about the respite. He got violent and abusive towards me then his mum. When she phoned the police he ran off. He was found and arrested. For assault (pushing spitting and threats) and for criminal damage to his mum's car. They said they'd call once they had him booked in. A call that didn't come for 4 hours. They said they would need an appropriate adult and that it couldn't be me as I was a witness. Kev came home and agreed to be the AA as they said it would be hours before they'd get a social worker. So on the night before kev's birthday we went to sit in a custody suite. It was after 11pm by the time the interview started. We'd say there for over two hours. It was after midnight when they released him. So Kev began his birthday in a police station. S continued to have an attitude about the whole thing. Not sorry. Not concerned. Happy that he "got off" in his words. Kev had to go back to work the next day and so s was aggressive that morning. Just shouting as he was told any threats or violence and the police would be called.

Caro

05-10-2017, 12:25

It sounds awful Jerry, I'm so sorry. You are 100% doing the right thing demanding S gets moved. You're right, it isn't safe and they know it. Making you consider other solutions which don't involve him being moved is so wrong and playing the guilt card with you is unforgivable. Thank goodness you can see through this and see it for what it is. NEVER lose sight of the fact that you and Kev have gone above and beyond to try to help S, and been patient and caring with him until he has almost broken you. It's not you failing, it's the system failing him. What he needs is formal care. It is very sad for you all. Thinking of you as always. Take care xx

hfwardhouse

05-10-2017, 12:32

Oh Jerry what a nightmare - honestly social services need a rocket, they shouldn't play around with people's lives like this - it's always about money and it's totally unacceptable.

Teresa

05-10-2017, 12:32

It gives me no pleasure to have been proven right. This was always about economics. I am so glad that S has finally been moved. As Caro has said the guilt trips on behalf of Social Services are unforgivable. You and Kev now need time to lick your wounds - both physical and mental.

It was good to meet you both in Newcastle. You are better people than I ever will be. Well done for trying, but even more well done for recognising it was time to call a halt.

JerryD

05-10-2017, 12:45

He went to school fine. He came home moody but as he wasn't agggreisve I let him in. I asked him if he wanted to go to the shop to pick a birthday card for Kev, for when he got home and get his cake. He said yes, but his mood was funny. We drove to the shop and when we got out the car he told me I wasn't on siding with his mum when she called the police. I told him I wasn't siding with anyone but no one has the right to assault anyone. If they do the police will be called. He told me that the police said he'd get in real Trouble if it happened again. when I didn't repsond (as there was no right answer), he started shouting at me. He ended up in my face shouting and making threats until the manager of the store came over. He told s to calm down but s began shouting at him. He told him he'd have to wait outside. Then came back to me and explained that he daughter goes to s's school so he knows him and that's why he had to remove him before he escalated. I went out to S who shouted and swore and me and ran off. I waited at the car for ages but when he didn't show I figured he's headed home to have an argument with his mum. I stopped at the local shop on the way home and was approached by s as I came out. He was violent and aggressive. The security guard ended up stepping in. He escorted me to my car and told s to calm down before heading home. He didn't. He was banging on the door not long later. Kev had to me to wait for him to be home before letting S in as all calling the police had got us the day before was hours in the station and a really late night. He was home 10 minutes later and S came in calm but moody. So it wasn't a great birthday for Kev. Later he threw a tantrum when Kev tried to talked to him about his behaviour so we left it. That night I sent an email to the so ail worker, so there was a record of what had been happening and our concerns rather than just phone calls.

The next morning Kev had gone to work and s was off again. I got him out the house without him attacking me but when he saw the his bus he ran at the door to make a scene in front of them. Shouting that I better not have his mum at the house again, I told him that it was 4 days before that she was there and she wouldn't be back while he was. But he flipped. He ran at me chased by the bus assistant. He started pushing me and hitting my with a coat he had in his hand when she grabbed him and dragged him out the house. I got the door shut. Then tried to call the social worker again. I got a call from s's school about 40 minutes later to check on me after being worried by a report from the bus helper. She was concerned for my safety as were the school and he said he was phoning the social woker then to say s shouldn't be returned home that day. A few hours later I got a call from someone else in the social workers office saying they had my email but more worrying had a report from the school that I was in danger and they had to act on it and move s. Clearly they take the school seriously just not the foster carers. I should imagine that they realised if something further happened they could be sued and maybe that would cost more than moving s. Or maybe they couldn't put it off longer. I dont know. This whole experience has made me cynical. It might be wrong for me to feel that way and it might not be about money.

Someone turned up that night (27th sept) to collect some of s's things. They told me that were selling it to him as respite as they didn't have a facility for him so we're sending him to foster care. I was unhappy that they were just putting someone else in danger but they assured me it would be a couple who would both be at home. Certainly not a lone woman. And only be for the weekend as a residential placement would be set up by oct 3rd.

they asked me to take part in a meeting with a potential residential half way down the county. But said that they would come to me. That meeting went ahead oct 3rd. I gave all the details about s though was asked to "frame it better" by the soavil worker and not focus on the negative. I talked about some of the good things but felt they needed to know the truth too. S had told the social worker that he didn't want to live here anyway because I was horrible to him and was happy in the new placement. The carers had been told to just keep him happy (placate him), so he was loving it. I felt not hat meeting that it was again being suggested we could have done more. Though later I had a call from the foster care team saying we'd done all we could we'd coped much better than many and they would love to have us as foster carers. So would we continue with the assement and take other children.

We considered it. But then yesterday I discovered that the foster carer they have sent s to is a lone woman. The social worker's defence is that she has a 20 year old son who'd be around a lot. Though I don't know many lads that age who hang round at their mums house all day and night. I complained that they were putting her at risk and they insisted that there had been no aggression or bad bahaviours. I don't think she can be aware of what happened. I doubt she has been warned. Things were fine here for ages. There were run offs but the aggression towards me only started in the 6th week.

I was assured that it was only short term and that's why this other carer will be fine. But there has been no update on the residential. It's not that I don't want the best for s. It's that I don't think pandering to him is that. Teaching him he doesn't need rules or can be aggressive to stop them being imposed. It's also that his best interests can't come at a risk to others safety. There is a meeting tomorrow when I plan to formally raise these concerns again. I hope they take them seriously.

We were heartbroken that this couldn't work. But we tried all we could. We couldn't have prevented this. He will be 16 in a matter of months, many of these behaviours may be fully entrenched in him. There had to be an end to the aggression and consequences to the violence. Not that he has seen any. He is just happy to be in a place with no rules and doesn't see what he has lost. Or that he will move to a place with more rules. As a family we all know that this is how things had to be. And untimately it was the actions one week ago that caused social services to remove him. For now there will be no contact until 30 days after he is settled somewhere. Though currently he says he doesn't want to see any of us. As he's not in a permenant placement yet, most of his stuff is still here, his room is still as it was. I can't even bring myself to strip the bed. It will come in time. We are resting and recovering. Catching up on sleep. We are doing ok. Thinking of things to look forward to.

Thanks for all your support and advice. Hopefully s will be in his fixed placement soon xxx

Teresa

05-10-2017, 13:05

You tried harder than anyone I know on this.

DO NOT FEEL YOU HAVE FAILED (and yes I am shouting, but not in an aggressive way - in a “if you think you have you are daft way”:-).

You have spent 6-8 weeks being subjected to violent physical and mental abuse. You need to retrench, retreat and rearm. Then you can decide in which direction you want to move forward.

Take Care,

Teresa

hfwardhouse

05-10-2017, 18:28

You did all you could Jerry. I'm glad you're safe and S is ok for now. It will be very hard for him to change his behaviour now. It was shaped when he was younger and if he won't accept boundaries he'll be in prison before he's finished school. It's a horribly sad situation and I feel for you and Kev. You guys are amazing and you didn't deserve to be treated they way you were.

Thinking about you both xxx

patlowe

05-10-2017, 18:28

Jerry you already know my thoughts so I'll just say thinking about you lots. I can empathise with your sadness when you go into S's room etc! My heart breaks for a few days when my daughter goes, but the sadness will gradually diminish as day to day life takes over again. Take care. xx

Linda

05-10-2017, 19:04

You did way more than most people could have done. I'm shocked that after all this, social services would put someone else in danger.

JAMES4578

05-10-2017, 20:32

Horrendous Jerry that were asked to consider an alternative arrangement and it took so long for S to be moved, you were certainly right to insist. However awful situation for this foster carer and even if no current problems they must be at risk. Hopefully won't be too long till a permanent placement is sorted out. In no way should you feel guility as you put so much into helping S and more than many would even consider,though understandable if there is some sadness. Wishing Kev and yourself the best in recovering and moving forward.

JerryD

05-10-2017, 21:14

You did way more than most people could have done. I'm shocked that after all this, social services would put someone else in danger.

Sadly it doesn't surprise me anymore. They are hoping that he will be good for 6 weeks or so like he was here and that not knowing the area will keep him from running. They are taking the risk. I am hoping for an update tomorrow. Though it wouldn't surprise me if they decide not to take the placement offered. The residential place did offer him one. But it's expensive. They may decide to leave him in foster care. I intend to take it up with them though. It's not about not loving s but if they won't protect others then I feel I have a duty to do so. If they turn down the place, I will be writing to anyone and everyone. I'll Bec calling careline everyday to report a dangerous situation. Hopefully it won't come to that. I gues tomorrow we will know

Thanks again guys for your support and kind words x

Teresa

05-10-2017, 21:27

That’s appalling, that they haven’t taken up the residential place. If they don’t place him in secure accommodation, and try to address the behavioural issues he is almost certainly going to end up in the prison system. Long term it will cost more, but it will come out of a different budget.

Depressing.

ljs

05-10-2017, 21:38

oh Jerry , my heart goes out to you :grouphug:

Try to move on , and enjoy your life

JerryD

05-10-2017, 22:57

Teresa

06-10-2017, 07:13

Good luck with the meeting today. Don’t be cowed. There should have been a great deal more support put in when he first came to you. They knew what he was like.

Jan

06-10-2017, 07:43

I've continued to follow your story, Jerry, with incredulity one on hand and admiration on the other. You have tried and done so much more than most would. I really hope "they" manage to find a suitable long-term place for S and that you and Kev can get your life back to some semblance of normality. All the best.

hfwardhouse

06-10-2017, 15:38

Hope it went well today. Thinking about you xx

JerryD

06-10-2017, 15:55

Hope it went well today. Thinking about you xx

I didn't go at all. They haven't "secured the placement" yet. So no meeting happened. Social worker didn't show. Then called at 1 to say he was running late and as there was no updates and the placement wasn't secured could we reschedule. Not that we had a choice as he was already really late. I asked him if he wanted more of s's stuff but he said no the carer could wash what she has as he had another meeting to get to. Or pretend to get to. Total waste of time! Not sure I want to agree to another meeting, clear another day. And wait for nothing. I told him I'd call on Tuesday for an update and if there wasn't good news then I'll be raising my concerns with someone who will do something. They have simple moved the problem to a new location!

Rosalind

06-10-2017, 16:20

goldfish

06-10-2017, 20:43

Relieved that you are no longer in danger Jerry & Kev but it's very disappointing that you still have to suffer so much angst because you want the best suitable care for S. I hope you are both able to enjoy your weekend together and that things move forward in a positive direction for everyone.

hfwardhouse

06-10-2017, 21:22

I didn't go at all. They haven't "secured the placement" yet. So no meeting happened. Social worker didn't show. Then called at 1 to say he was running late and as there was no updates and the placement wasn't secured could we reschedule. Not that we had a choice as he was already really late. I asked him if he wanted more of s's stuff but he said no the carer could wash what she has as he had another meeting to get to. Or pretend to get to. Total waste of time! Not sure I want to agree to another meeting, clear another day. And wait for nothing. I told him I'd call on Tuesday for an update and if there wasn't good news then I'll be raising my concerns with someone who will do something. They have simple moved the problem to a new location!

:angry: :angry: :angry:

They just let people down time and time again - the the kids are the ones who suffer - it's infuriating.

Josephine

07-10-2017, 11:23

It's not the social workers' fault there are not enough resources or money. They don't cap budgets.

These are the choices we make as a society.

JerryD

07-10-2017, 12:14

You are right Josephine. The social worker is now shouting that s is dangerous. And needs a residential placement. People are ignoring him. His boss is refusing. Social workers do not cut budgets, but they have a duty to keep people safe. They haven't even told this placement that S is dangerous. Or found a place that's not a lone woman. Surely they have a duty to do that. He will have a number of calm weeks and then get violent. She may be less lucky than I am. I still can't take weight on my left arm. I don't mean I can't go to the gym (I can't do that either), but I can't lift a 2pt of milk without pain. Most of my other injuries have healed. I only didn't press charges as I thought it was being resolved in a way that wouldn't hurt his future and would keeonothers safe..

If this woman ends up abused, how do I live with that? I was thinking of becoming a foster parent one day. As much as kids are suffering and there may be kids like me who need a safe home, I won't now. It's clear that foster parents safety is not considered at all. It breaks my heart to say s is seriously violent and dangerous. But he is. There is no denying that. so far 2 women have been violently assaulted. How many more?

I kept him here an accepted two weeks of further abuse while they sorted a residential. They never did. I don't think they will until someone presses charges or ends up in hospital. I will be raising this complaint with whoever I have to. To try and keep others safe and protect s from himself. That's my duty, as a former foster carer, as someone who loves him and as a human.

JerryD

07-10-2017, 12:19

When he puts someone in hospital they will stop putting him with foster carers. So there are funds. But that has to happen first. My bruises and bumps and cuts are not enough. I blame myself for not pressing charges, it was with the best intent and a naivety that it was being handled. By not taking it further I have now made myself responsible for anything that happens as a result. That knowledge is where this frustration comes from.

goldfish

07-10-2017, 12:47

Please please don't underestimate what you have done Jerry. THe system has failed not you.

Alis

07-10-2017, 12:58

Jerry, you are certainly not responsible for what happens as a result of the frailties of the social work department. That is most definitely down to them - not you.

hfwardhouse

07-10-2017, 13:13

Absolutely not your fault. You trusted they would do what they said. The system is at fault letting people down.
They're the ones who should be having sleepless nights, not you.

Teresa

07-10-2017, 13:32

Jerry with the greatest of respect, and I understand where you are coming from, but saying “By not taking it further you are responsible for anything that happens as a result”, You are are talking the biggest load of claptrap (other words are available but they would have the mods in an frenzy....!!!). I have ever heard.

The only person who is responsible for anything that has happened and might happen in the future is the (moderated word), that was/is his father.

Just in case you haven’t taken it on board:-

The only person who is responsible for anything that has happened and might happen in the future is the (moderated word) that was/is his father.

If you feel that pressing charges is the only way to protect other people, then you need to go to the police and make a formal complaint. I don’t think it’s too late.

Also get yourself checked out by a doctor. If you can’t pick up 2L of milk, you may have torn something.

What you do not do is to blame yourself. You are not responsible. Anymore than me or other people on here who were telling you to stop it before it went too far. You acted in the best possible way for somebody you loved, and still do love. This is not S’s fault either. You and other people have done your very best for him. You way above and beyond what any reasonable person might expect.

Social Services should not have let you take him. It was irresponsible beyond belief to send him to you, knowing that his primary carer was going to be a lone woman. The harsh reality is Social Services are driven by money. They will always try to take the cheapest route, regardless of whether it’s the safest route.

Please also try and find somebody completely divorced from this situation to talk this through with. I think you need it.

Regards Teresa.

JerryD

07-10-2017, 14:47

I don't mean that I think it's my fault. Just that I will want to know I have done all I can to raise awareness. In case anything happens. Morally it's the right thing to do. Forgive my clumsy wording. I was still figuring out what I meant whilst typing. I know we did all we could for S while he was here.

With regards to the arm, I'm sure it's just badly swollen. The swelling is still visible as is the bruising. It's not that I can't lift, it just hurts to do so. The pain is much better with a support bandage. Though admittedly I keep removing it because it's itchy and then forgetting to put it back on. I've had a similar injury before after car accident a few years ago. It took 6 weeks to return to normal. Hopefully it won't be that long. I plan on making a drs appointment next week. I just wanted to give it more than a week to heal.

Anyway on a brighter note, tonight we have a meal for kev's dad, his 70th! Then we are finally going to see IT. The reviews have been far from great but I love the cinema so I can't wait anyway. It's also very Halloween. I am a big kid and Halloween and horror films are a guilty pleasure. No matter how rubbish they are lol

clancy

08-10-2017, 06:59

I have followed JerryD's experiences with S with much fear and admiration and am so pleased you're slowly getting back to normality. It brought back memories of the daughter of a friend and her husband who found Social Services wanting in so many areas when they fostered a young boy some years ago. Of course the child latched on to their hearts very quickly but some 3 years later they were completely overwhelmed by the problems and lack of assistance, and they asked for him to be removed - such a traumatic day. It very nearly wrecked their health and their marriage. They have come through it (now have a lab to care for) but they too opted out of fostering, thereby depriving a child of a loving home. My younger son is currently considering fostering, a teenager; I admire their vision, wish them well but have some reservations!

Caro

09-10-2017, 15:03

I have just been catching up Jerry .... it's hard to believe how bad things had to get before S was finally removed from you. Such an awful time for you and Kev. I really hope they find S a place somewhere appropriate before problems start at his new foster place. And the pair of you need some serious recovery time.

The system makes foster care a constant battle with little support .... take my advice and foster a dog or 2 instead, you know it makes sense ;) :) .... Kev will love you even more for it too :big grin:

Rosalind

09-10-2017, 16:12

Every time I open this thread, I see the first posting "our nephew is back staying with us again..... " and I forget it's the first post and think it's the update that I see and I panic. :shocked:
I hope you had a good family meal with K's family and enjoyed the film.

JerryD

09-10-2017, 16:41

RosieBear

10-10-2017, 11:57

The meal was good thanks, but it took all our energy so we left the film.

You are right about the dog Caro, once we have had some time to rest, recover and get back to normal (and normal weight for me - stress eating and tired eating has added up), we plan to get a dog :) kev's wanted one for years.

That's fantastic Jerry, you guys really deserve the fun and love that a dog will bring into your lives . Best thing you'll ever do! :) They ask so little and give so, so much. Nothing beats :maggie::love:

JerryD

10-10-2017, 12:26

That's fantastic Jerry, you guys really deserve the fun and love that a dog will bring into your lives . Best thing you'll ever do! :) They ask so little and give so, so much. Nothing beats :maggie::love:

As we want a springer / cocker or sprocker it seems they will bring some craziness to our lives too. Everyone says they are mad, but I just love them. We want one full of energy.

RosieBear

10-10-2017, 12:47

As we want a springer / cocker or sprocker it seems they will bring some craziness to our lives too. Everyone says they are mad, but I just love them. We want one full of energy.

Great choice :) My little Rosie is half springer, and yep they're absolutely bonkers. Same as you I wanted a bundle of fun - definitely got it, she makes every day a good day:thumbup:

hfwardhouse

10-10-2017, 13:54

Border collies are the best fun.... You could do dog agility too.... My friend does it and it's the best workout ever...!

JerryD

10-10-2017, 14:50

Border collies are the best fun.... You could do dog agility too.... My friend does it and it's the best workout ever...!

I could certainly use a workout lol. Especially a fun one:) I'm looking for a dog to be a running buddy too, eventually

Teresa

10-10-2017, 15:41

I could certainly use a workout lol. Especially a fun one:) I'm looking for a dog to be a running buddy too, eventually

You wouldn’t want my furry friend then. She is a Romanian rescue dog. Like me she is a bit disabled, so doesn’t run much. Here she is in her dry dog bag. The cat was laughing her head off.

1343

Linda

10-10-2017, 18:04

My Yorkshire Terrorist is bonkers. He's also very loving. I couldn't live without him now.

patlowe

10-10-2017, 18:27

My Yorkshire Terrorist is bonkers. He's also very loving. I couldn't live without him now.

Oops!!

hfwardhouse

10-10-2017, 20:54

I could certainly use a workout lol. Especially a fun one:) I'm looking for a dog to be a running buddy too, eventually

Ours has been out running with my neighbour! He loved it. He's obsessed with his ball to. Cracks us up constantly. Love him to bits! So clever!

JerryD

10-10-2017, 21:11

Ours has been out running with my neighbour! He loved it. He's obsessed with his ball to. Cracks us up constantly. Love him to bits! So clever!

That's sounds perfect. Bless him :) maybe we'll get a collie too, i want all the dogs :) :) lol

hfwardhouse

10-10-2017, 22:08

They're so much fun but need lots of exercise! Ours is a working dog so gets to play with the sheep under supervision....and sometimes he just goes it alone....naughty boy!

Caro

11-10-2017, 12:22

My Yorkshire Terrorist is bonkers. He's also very loving. I couldn't live without him now.

Oops!!

Knowing terriers as I do Pat, that was probably intentional :laugh::laugh:

Seriously though Jerry, dogs bring so much joy. They bring stress and heartbreak at times too but it's all worth it. They are also a tie of course so you'll need a good option for when you go away on your travels but we couldn't be without ours :love:

Teresa

11-10-2017, 13:28

Knowing terriers as I do Pat, that was probably intentional :laugh::laugh:

Seriously though Jerry, dogs bring so much joy. They bring stress and heartbreak at times too but it's all worth it. They are also a tie of course so you'll need a good option for when you go away on your travels but we couldn't be without ours :love:

My cat says she would quite like to be without Millie....!!! I love them both, but the cats job is to remind me what a useless insignificant human I am, and she is very good at it. Millie on the other hand is easy to please. I love the fact that each day when I am ready for action she spins round in a state of high excitement “Are we going for a walk mum, really? A walk? The fact we go twice every day escapes her. Worming the cat, involves high stress, blood, feline swearing, and usually failure. Worming Millie involves a piece of ham, and the request for a paw. She has then gobbled it before she realises she has been had.

supergran

11-10-2017, 14:09

Dear Jerry, haven't been on this thread for a while but relieved for you that S is no longer with you causing so much stress and and anxiety but sad for him that he is not yet placed in a safe and professional environment. You and Kev did everything possible and I'm so sorry you have all been let down by the system. I have been thinking of you and hope that your plan to have a dog will soon be realised. There's a dog sleeping my feet as I write but she will go home when Tim leaves but she's always a welcome visitor. Hugs to you and Kev and best wishes for a satisfactory solution for S.

themass15

11-10-2017, 17:40

Hoping everything turns round for you soon Jerry and you soon have 4 furry paws running around.

patlowe

11-10-2017, 17:47

Knowing terriers as I do Pat, that was probably intentional :laugh::laugh:

:rofl:

Linda

11-10-2017, 18:28

Yes, it was!

Caro

12-10-2017, 12:25

Yes, it was!

Thought so ....in our village we have a "border terrorist brigade". I wonder if Maggie and Rusty are known as border terrorists too ... oops very off topic here Jerry, sorry!

JerryD

12-10-2017, 12:58

It has been decided that s will remain in foster care. No doubt because this woman's health isn't worth the £5000 a week for a residential. If they are charging so much then someone has the money. But he's been really good there so it will all be fine. Of course they've made some changes to help his behaviour, removing rules they made me enforce, with regards to money and going out. Oh and of course as an already approved foster carer this woman doesn't have to show she is helping him with his education so no work either. Happy days. She's just qualified too.

If you were thinking of fostering, my advice is, don't. They have no obligation to make this woman aware of the danger she is in. You will have the situation re-framed to you too. You can't reframe violent abuse. What they mean is cover - up on excuses and lies and half truths. Today I am exhausted by it all. They do have the money, but they've decided to chance it again with someone's life as if it works it's cheaper. If it doesn't she probably can't sue and if she can and does paying out for her injuries will be less than a month in a facility. I hope they are right and that removal of all rules makes him manageable. There's no internet rules or bedtimes so it's fine. I guess they will have to buy him a hammer too. Of course at 18 having had no rules then he will be unleashed on society and no doubt end up in the other kind of residential. But for the next two and a half years it will be cheaper and then go on someone else's budget.

I have done all I can, I have raised my concerns, my fears, they have been ignored. Taken seriously by the social worker himself but ignored by the people who make the decisions.

Yesterday was a great day. I holding on to that and a biscuit on this rubbish day. The social worker asked for the rest of s's things today in a way that suggested I'd been holding on to them. He hasn't been for them! He gave no notice and then wasn't impressed when I wasn't free!! That's what 3 hours notice will give you! He couldn't come any earlier so I dropped it off with s's mum and he can collect it from there at the time he wanted.

So I may no longer need a pacemaker but I do need a chocolate cookie and a cup of cranberry tea. Thanks for all your help and support.

I think the dog plan will start after we've had some weeks to recover and have the world tour finals. I don't think Kev will want to wait til next year. He's getting impatient. Lol

Teresa

12-10-2017, 15:14

I am so very, very sorry. I completely understand where you are coming from. It is for the reasons you have outlined that I knew I wouldn’t last very long in the Fostering Process before I was chucked off the course, or told someone where to stick it. Tolerance and I are not natural bed fellows, (I can just imagine what the mods are thinking reading that........!!!).

It is incredibly hard, but S was damaged by the adults that should have protectected him in his early years. From what you have said his father was the very opposite of a good parent. You couldn’t keep him, but try not to blame him. Given his difficulties he needed specialist care from puppyhood. Regrettably he will almost certainly end up in the Criminal Justice System. You and K did your best. Nobody could have tried harder. You were always going to lose, S was lost a decade ago. A Poem for you. You know exactly where S lies on it. Meanwhile eat biscuits, drink wine and think about Furry Friends. Be warned they also have issues. Millie regularly tries to kill me by gassing me to death.

Children Learn What They Live By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

JerryD

12-10-2017, 15:40

I don't blame him, I blame the person s grew up with for how he was raised, I blame the social workers for making me enforce rules that put me in danger when they were only to happy to drop them when it was here or elsewhere. I blame the school for refusing to help in the process and encouraging behaviours and beliefs.

I was an abused child, a foster child, all the rest of it. I didn't learn love or respect from my surroundings. I didn't learn to value myself. Though despite being treated with violence, criticism and all the other horrible things people do to each other I never responded in that way to anyone else. I knew how I hated it. I was never violent, I wasn't cruel or criminal. I grew up in that situation until I was 15. Then had more of the same in foster care. I stumbled. But I was never lost. I knew right from wrong and lived within it. I put out good treatment, in hopes of getting it in return. I taught myself to be the person I am today. Knowing I'd come through and not being another statisic, a child who goes on to prison or abused who becomes and abuser, the cycles of care that run in families, that gave me hope for S. it told me it was possible. Now S isn't me. I know that more cases end up like his than mine, but I was hopeful. It's what kept me trying.

i am out of hope for this situation but maybe in time and with rest and recovery that hope will return. For now, work is done so I will look through my new Borneo book and think of better times. Thank you for you kind words Teresa it means a lot

clancy

12-10-2017, 18:06

We all regard Andy as THE STAR on this forum and that's why we all came together but reading some of the posts on this and other streams there are certainly more STARS below the surface ...... x

Alis

12-10-2017, 18:22

I agree that Andy is our star - it's he that brings us all together. It's really good to know how many wonderful people follow Andy though and so many of those people actually take the time to post on this site. The forum is a great support to me as I'm sure it is to many other members. I really hope that once Andy hangs up his racquets - and I hope that isn't any time soon - we find some way to continue to communicate with one another.

patlowe

12-10-2017, 21:08