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I do like a good larf!
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Norfolk when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bill looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Why not?"
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his Dell notebook computer, connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfed to a NASApage on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg .
Within seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image had been processed and the data stored. He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turned to the farmer and said, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"I guess you can take one of my calves," said Bill.
He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill said to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thought about it for a second and then said, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a political adviser to the Westminster Government", said Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog.
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Comedian Nick Helm has won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.
He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
Maybe I'm strange, but I thought the best joke was the one that won the wooden spoon!
"Weakest Link" answers
Anne: The Grapple In The Apple, recently held in New York, was a debate between the journalist
Christopher Hitchens and the politician George who?
Contestant: George Washington.
Anne: Name the man who was President of Italy until May 2006.
Contestant: Don Corleone.
Anne: What ‘T’ are people in a house paying rent to a landlord?
Contestant: Terrorist
Anne: No what please, we’re British?
Contestant: Thank you.
Anne: In traffic, what ‘j’ is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
Anne: Which part of the human body is closest to the floor when we are walking?
Contestant: The head.
Anne: A selection of small, highly coloured sweets is known as Dolly . . .
Contestant: Parton.
Anne: A wild guess is a shot in the . . . .
Contestant: Arm.
Anne: Which hot drink is ‘eat’ an anagram of?
Contestant: Hot chocolate.
Anne: Which ‘m’ describes exhibiting clothes or making Airfix aircraft?
Contestant: Hangar.
Anne: What four-letter word beginning with D has shelves and is used for writing on?
Contestant: Table.
Anne: How many wheels does a unicycle have?
Contestant: Two.
Anne: In comedy, Ernie Wise was frequently teased by Eric Morecambe for having short, fat, hairy
what?
Contestant: Hair.
Anne: The action of which Shakespeare play takes place between dusk on January 5 and dawn on January 6?
Contestant: A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Anne: Name the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The . . . what?
Contestant: Mohicans.
Anne: Which actress was married to Humphrey Bogart and is the also the cousin of former Israeli
prime minister Shimon Peres?
Contestant: Gene Kelly.
Anne: What "U" is given to the name of a symphony by Schubert?
Contestant: 1964.
Anne: Which 1995 film starring Pierce Brosnan shares its name with a type of duck?
Contestant: The Living Daylights.
Anne: The adjective Rubenesque, meaning a plump, voluptuous, woman is derived from the work of which
17th-century Flemish artist?
Contestant: Aretha Franklin.
Anne: In which film did Harry Lime say, ‘In Switzerland they had brotherly love and they had 500
years of democracy and peace. And what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!’?
Contestant: One Flew Over The Cuckoo Clock.
Anne: What was the name of Madonna’s concert tour in 1990?
Contestant: Blonde tart.
Anne: Which insect is often found hovering over lakes?
Contestant: Crocodile.
Anne: Which animals build dams and lodges?
Contestant: Sheep.
Anne: In superstition, people salute which black-and-white bird when it is seen alone?
Contestant: Penguin.
Anne: What insect has many limbs — the name would suggest 100?
Contestant: A giraffe.
Anne: In Italian history, in 1919 which former journalist set up the Fascist Party?
Contestant: Silvio Berlusconi.
Anne: In the 1940s, which politician was responsible for the welfare state — William . . . .?
Contestant: The Conqueror.
Anne: In human development, what ‘B’ is the usual four-letter word for a newborn infant?
Contestant: Wasp.
Anne: In medicine, the phrase ‘contagious disease’ literally means an illness which is spread by
which of the five senses?
Contestant: Sight.
Anne: What is the branch of medicine concerned with women?
Contestant: Womenology.
Anne: What force of nature is responsible for keeping the Earth, planets and asteroids in orbit
around the Sun?
Contestant: Delta Force.
Anne: What is the name of the cord cut after a woman gives birth?
Contestant: Biblical cord.
Anne: A pain in the muscles or bones of the lower legs, often suffered by sportsmen, is known as
Shin . . . . ?
Contestant: . . . . dler’s List.
Anne: In science, what is botany the study of?
Contestant: Bottoms.
Anne: In the Lord’s Prayer, what word beginning with ‘H’ meaning ‘blessed’ comes before ‘be thy
name’?
Contestant: (quietly) Howard.
Anne: (incredulously) Pardon?
Contestant: (louder) Howard.
Anne: What word for an ancient Roman marketplace is also a site on the internet for open discussion?
Contestant: Chatroom.
Some more larfs
Where on earth do they get these contestants? :shock: :shock: :shock: I think I'll start watching it - sounds like a laugh a minute :lol:
What is the answer to the Pierce Brosnan/duck question? :arrow:
(I do love all these new emoticons!)
Goldeneye.
Goldeneye.
:oops: D'uh! Of course. Thank you!
The answers are so terrible but so funny. I am always astonished at the lack of general knowledge on quiz shows. Some of these answers though are probably the first thing that entered their heads while being glared at by the "Queen of Mean". You would just want to disappear if you came out with answers like that. Still, I had a good laugh at them!! :lol: :lol:
TOP 10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. This explains your car.
2. I never saw one like that before.
3. But it still works, right?
4. Are you cold?
5. I guess this makes me the early bird.
6. Ahhhh, it's cute.
7. Can I be honest with you?
8. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Hillarious :lol!: :lol!:
My wife says we would have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
Surely she means ‘fewer’!
supergran
02-10-2011, 23:29
Being a little pedantic myself AllyB I love that!:laugh:
Madeline
06-10-2011, 23:24
So do I!
Madeline
06-10-2011, 23:34
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
KnightOwl
06-10-2011, 23:48
:laugh:
Luckily only 1-5 sound familiar, otherwise the RSPCA would be after us :)
Quotes
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to
the homeless and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, I'll play it
cool. Let my wife make the first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me,
"Wait til it gets warmer."
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a
mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled
through."
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought
for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy ... for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
electric chair.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just
as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see
the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went
over. Nobody was home!
supergran
17-11-2011, 22:57
Thanks Madeline and Cazza.....still laughing!:rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::roll ing:
Stupid Celebrity Quotes
"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
Christina Aguilera
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Greg Norman
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but
not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
Linda Evangelista
"The only happy artist is a dead artist because only then you can't
change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush."
Sylvester Stallone
"I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are
anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me."
Jessica Simpson
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
Brooke Shields
"What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?
Paris Hilton
"I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like
eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa."
Britney Spears
"Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken
by the sea."
Jessica Simpson
"I'm not sure if there was a key event that changed me but I first had
sex when I was 14."
Angelina Jolie
"I've got taste. It's inbred in me."
David Hasselhoff
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in
the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a
very deep place if it's true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone
"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a
woman."
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"He speaks English, Spanish and he’s bilingual too."
Don King
"I feel my best when I'm happy."
Winona Ryder
"Where is East Angular, is it abroad?"
Jade Goody
supergran
18-11-2011, 00:02
I am truly lost for words!!!:confused::):rolling:
I say, Holmes
"What sort of school did you go to Holmes?"
"Elementary my dear Watson."
"What is this large woody shrub, whose trunk is made of fire and its
branches are made of water, air and earth, Holmes?"
"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson."
"I like your yellow porch Holmes?"
"It's a lemon entry my dear Watson."
"What is this chunk of limestone, Holmes?"
"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
"I have a terrible indigestion in my gastrointestinal tract Holmes."
"It's alimentary my dear Watson"
"what is your favourite cheese Holmes?"
"It's Emmental-ary my dear Watson"
"How the deuce do we deal with Professor Moriarty, Holmes?"
"It's eliminatory my dear Watson."
"I say Holmes, did Ellen say she was voting Conservative?"
"Ellen meant Tory my dear Watson"
"what did your accountant say, Holmes?"
"It's hell monetarily my dear Watson."
"What does the Conservative MP have to pay to his ex wife, Holmes?"
"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."
supergran
03-12-2011, 00:23
Cleverrrr!!!!:laugh:
I'm passing this on because it worked for me. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Sancerre, a bottle of Glenfiddich, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. You haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sen this 2 all hoo need inna pis. An telum u luvum.
JAMES4578
13-12-2011, 20:39
Brilliant :rolling::rolling:
RoastLamb
13-12-2011, 21:24
:lol: I'm going to put that on facebook.
Always read the instructions
On Pick n' Pay's peanuts
"Warning: contains nuts."
On Clicks Children Cough Medicine
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On a Woolworths Bread Pudding
"Product will be hot after heating."
On a Clicks hair dryer
"Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Simba Chips
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!"
(Details inside.)
On a bar of Dove soap
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Checkers frozen dinners
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On the packaging of a Rowenta iron
"Don't iron clothes on body."
On Nytol Sleep Aid
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On some brands of Christmas lights of Eastern origin
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."
On a SA Airways packet of peanuts -
[1] Open packet;
[2] Eat nuts.
On a child's Superman costume
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Korean kitchen knife
"Warning keep out of children."
On a German chainsaw
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
On Woolworth's Tiramisu dessert
"Do not turn upside down."
(printed on the bottom)
If only i'd read the instructions on my chainsaw ....
Sallydaisy
14-12-2011, 21:35
:rolling::rolling::rolling:
supergran
14-12-2011, 22:03
I've got one...On Bold Sparkling Pomegranate & Orange Blossom liqui-tabs (quite large): Avoid contact with eyes; if swallowed seek medical advice!!!!!:confused::big grin::barmy:
RoastLamb
14-12-2011, 22:04
On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."
:confused:
RoastLamb
09-02-2012, 20:46
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!!
Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she... ............was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates...
Golden Lady
10-02-2012, 09:29
:laugh: brilliant RL!
The award for the funniest joke of the year has been won by:
Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes
http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/16959243
Madeline
20-02-2012, 12:42
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
JAMES4578
20-02-2012, 19:04
:rolling::rolling:
A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man, "how did you know?" ''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk".
The man below responded, "You must be in Management". ''I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" ''Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
hfwardhouse
29-02-2012, 17:32
:laugh:
How true!:laugh::laugh::laugh:
Although I actually think she could have been a politician as much as management.
supergran
29-02-2012, 23:25
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
JAMES4578
11-03-2012, 14:26
Terriific :lol::lol:
Madeline
22-03-2012, 16:36
Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
hfwardhouse
06-04-2012, 11:17
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.'
RoastLamb
06-04-2012, 15:14
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Madeline
01-05-2012, 22:56
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
KnightOwl
01-05-2012, 23:21
That's cool Madeline - I came across a similar one a few years ago...
I have a spelling chequer
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks fore my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your shore reel glad two no
Its very polished in its weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.
A chequer is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The chequer pours ore every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with chequers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults in awl this peace,
Or nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew floors are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Madeline
14-05-2012, 11:41
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started......
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started..
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
__________________________________________________ ____________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
JAMES4578
14-05-2012, 22:19
Hillarious :lol:
Madeline
14-06-2012, 23:21
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
supergran
15-06-2012, 00:08
I have seen that before but I still laughed out loud.:laugh:
supergran
15-06-2012, 00:16
Just read through all the jokes that I haven't seen. It's good to go to bed laughing. Thanks Madeleine, Fiona, and Jane. I've missed this thread.:laugh::laugh::laugh:
Wimbledon news. Tim Henman has revealed in an interview that he is learning to do card tricks after being impressed by a magician he encountered on an evening out.
Insiders tell me Tim hasn’t managed to correctly identify the card any of his volunteers has picked yet.
But he does always get down to the last four.
DaveArneRiise
30-06-2012, 23:20
Wimbledon news. Tim Henman has revealed in an interview that he is learning to do card tricks after being impressed by a magician he encountered on an evening out.
Insiders tell me Tim hasn’t managed to correctly identify the card any of his volunteers has picked yet.
But he does always get down to the last four.
:rolling:
Man walks into his bedroom and pulls off his boxers.
Wife says,
'Leave the dogs alone dear'.
Shame Tim Henman isn't playing in Wimbledon - he'd show Ashley Cole how to hit the net in a quarter-final.
Madeline
03-07-2012, 10:22
This is really corny!
TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around. One was called Justin and the other, Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this.................................)
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
RoastLamb
03-07-2012, 11:27
:lol:
pippadaisy
03-07-2012, 11:38
ha ha ha ha lol came over here to see if i could get a laugh
and it worked
jameswilson799
03-07-2012, 12:12
It’s so funny cazza99, Rofl…….:rolling:
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c130/rondun/tumbleweed-1.gif
Punography
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........
My dog is a Politician
Sallydaisy
20-07-2012, 10:21
:laugh:
Thanks Linda, I needed a chuckle!
supergran
20-07-2012, 13:48
Good one Linda and if your dog was female.......;):whistle:
supergran
20-07-2012, 13:51
Madeleine, just read the prawn joke.....I laughed out loud. What a punchline!!:laugh:
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but don't ask me how they got in there!
Madeline
28-07-2012, 12:57
Bill and Blanche
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, and every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied, " I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid ".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard..
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Bill replied:
"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out - but you know, twenty quid is twenty quid! "
My source of jokes dried up which is why I don't post them very often now, but here is a cartoon.
http://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/c0.0.388.388/p403x403/422095_10150628552977939_599611513_n.jpg
picture from facebook
RoastLamb
08-11-2012, 15:53
Church Ladies With typewriters.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals...
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you...
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Oh dear..........I laughed till the tears ran down my legs as my dear old Dad used to say! I did need a good larf too!!!
Madeline
15-12-2012, 16:11
Cold Winter Ahead
Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting huge loads of firewood'
Madeline
22-12-2012, 21:19
Subject: Elf n Safety
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year's well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Sallydaisy
22-12-2012, 22:29
:laugh:
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
God help him then 'cos with all the cutbacks in 'services' it might be another 2012 years before they reach the little blighter.
https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/37087_501047929948202_1606864531_n.jpg
source unknown
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
Helen Parish @Helen_Parish 9m
BREAKING: Archaeologists in Egypt have found a tomb of an ancient king embalmed in chocolate. His name is Pharaoh Rocher. #easterjoke #sorry
Needed cheering up, so read through this thread again. LOLed. Thanks all, keep them coming!
RoastLamb
25-07-2016, 12:27
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunk with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
:rolling:
Yay the jokes are back :)
RoastLamb
26-07-2016, 10:15
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
RoastLamb
31-07-2016, 14:42
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
RoastLamb
31-07-2016, 15:25
***RUDE JOKE ALERT***
This comes around every four years!
I can't imagine how I got along all these years without knowing this
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was
attending the first athletic festival in Greece.
This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing
saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave
of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"Oh! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
You are welcome.
And do enjoy the summer Olympics.
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 19:54
Not sure if it's a good idea to preserve some of these;), but here goes anyway!
Page 9: (#81 to 90/ 14-4-15 to 7-8-15)
Brilliant!!!
This one if for the oldies - like me - amongst you. It certainly made me giggle!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS WENDY MULLEN AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BOR E HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT SO AND SO SAID ..............
WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
:lol:
School Reunion
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it up large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down”.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating".
:lol:
WARNING: This is a bit naughty...You have been warned.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... “Liver alone. Cheese mine."
:lol:
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
Mother Knows Best!
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 20:01
Page 11: (#101 to 110/ 07--8-15 to 14-8-15)
:rolling:
You are on a roll Fiona. Please feel welcome to post some more :0 The source of the jokes I used to post dried up.
:laugh:
Nearly burst my stitches!
Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his official trip and missed an "e" in the last word. Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own house.
He wrote:
"Hi darling I'm experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her !!”
:rolling:
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black!"
:ROFL:
:lol: Did you buy a joke book Roastie ? :lol:
:lol: Did you buy a joke book Roastie ? :lol:
Nope, getting most of them from Dawn French's FB page.
(This one made me :lol:!!!)
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
I love visiting this page, thanks for posting the jokes Roastlamb.
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 20:08
Page 13: (#121 to 130/ 22-9-15 to 27-9-15)
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the yapping dog.
“Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the yapping dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it appears you have thrown the wrong *itch out the window.
Love it RL - made me laugh out loud!!!
Agreed, definitely one of the better ones :)
This one's a bit gross...
Two women where walking home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.
Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.
Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, "You know, we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers."
"You think that's bad," said the other husband, "mine had a card stuck to her bum that said 'from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you!'"
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a tiger in the front seat. "What are you doing with that tiger?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the tiger again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.
The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that tiger to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
:lol:
"Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'"
- Tommy Cooper.
A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shih tzu.
Short, sweet and straight to the point. I like. :thanks:
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 20:13
Page 14: (#131 to 140/ 27-9-15 to 2-10-15)
:lol:Good one:
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
:lol:
Facebook In Real Life
For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.
It's a way of sharing your life with thousands and making new friends.
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the SAME PRINCIPLES.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Love it!!
Some great ones lately!
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog.
He reached down, grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said, "Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into a beautiful farmers wife."
Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked, "Didn't you hear what I said?"
The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
For the golfers among us, this is not strictly a straightforward joke but something witty (IMHO) that someone said to me today....
"I haven't been playing very well lately so I took myself off to the golf range to try to sort my game out..........and I did. I found I'd been standing too close to the ball..........after I'd hit it!"
Isn't that a Bob Monkhouse special? Or someone similar
Isn't that a Bob Monkhouse special? Or someone similar
Probably but I hadn't heard it before.
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 20:21
Page 18: (#171 to 177/ 27-11-15 to 19-12-15)
:lol:
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
:lol:
A Grandma who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return her hearing to 100%.
The grandma went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the elderly woman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
:lol:
good one RL !!!!! :lol:
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and St. Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
St. Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Ford Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from St. Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 20:27
Page 20: (#191 to 200/ 07-02-16 to 13-03-16)
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
A guy goes to a pet shop. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French. If you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings at the same time?" the shopper asks.
"I fall off my perch!" squawks the parrot.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.
Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
A Grandma who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return her hearing to 100%.
The grandma went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the elderly woman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.
The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual... because he hated the book!"
(Totally saw the punchline coming a mile off but still worth a chuckle.)
This bloke in London dashes into a psychiatrist's office, throws himself to couch and says, "Doctor you've gotta help me. I think I'm a biscuit. What do you think?"
The shrink strokes his chin thoughtfully and asks, "Are you square?"
"Yes."
"Do you have lots of little holes?"
"Yes! Yes!"
"And are you covered all over with a light sprinkling of salt?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Then you're not a biscuit, you're crackers!"
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"
"BP."
:lol:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
“What on earth would they want with a plasterer??"
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 20:35
Page 22: (#211 to 220/ 23-05-16 to 12-06-16)
:lol:
Points to Ponder
1. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
2. Why don't you ever see the headline, "psychic wins lottery"?
3. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
4. Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. Why do you need to click on "start" to stop windows?
6. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, while washing up liquid contains real lemons?
7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
8. Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
9. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?
10. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
11. Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same material as the indestructible black box?
12. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
13. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
14. Why do they call the airport the "terminal" if flying is so safe?
15. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
16. Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
17. Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
18. Why can't we tickle ourselves?
19. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
20. If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
21. If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
22. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
24. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
25. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
26. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
28. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants.
"Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!"
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment...
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... The one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
This sounds like something I'd do...
A woman was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eatenhalf of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyonecommiserated; until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half of it!"
:rolling: keep em coming :)
OK this took me a while to figure out but then I'm not the sharpest tool in the box at the best of times...
Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three engineers each buy a ticket and watch as the three accountants only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
When they board the train all three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Age and cunning will overcome youth and technology anytime.
On their wedding night, the young bride Jodie approached her new husband Marvin and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In His highly aroused state, Marvin readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Marvin in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that Cal Trans was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, Jodie handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex. These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, Marvin was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp so you get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the pilings ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete and steel that would be needed!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy..."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Master Yorkie
31-07-2016, 20:39
Page 23: (#221 to 222/ 12-06-16)
A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
:lol: keep em coming Roasty.
That's all Google's Cache will relinquish unfortunately, - I haven't tried Yahoo though.
RoastLamb
05-08-2016, 12:24
:thanks: Master Yorkie!
RoastLamb
05-08-2016, 12:26
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow the newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here use my iPad."
I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him!
RoastLamb
05-08-2016, 12:28
There were two snakes talking.
The first one said, "Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?"
Then the second Snake says, "Why do you ask?"
The first one replies, "I just bit my lip."
RoastLamb
07-08-2016, 14:11
For all the lovely Scots on this forum...
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin' ... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts! Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin' ... perhaps its aboot time you let me put ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
RoastLamb
08-08-2016, 11:39
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered in to the kitchen and said to his wife, Margaret, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off in to the bedroom, undressed and walked back in to the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert. What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!"
And without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a new hat, Bert."
:rolling::whistle::facepalm:
RoastLamb
10-08-2016, 23:58
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, "it's worth a shot."
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"
RoastLamb
15-08-2016, 12:39
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
RoastLamb
16-08-2016, 21:16
Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Thank you, RL - they really made me giggle!
Brilliant, Fiona! :clap: :clap:
RoastLamb
17-08-2016, 10:26
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 A.M.".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....
It said... "It's 5.00 A.M., wake up!"
RoastLamb
20-08-2016, 12:54
A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Liverpool, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Liverpool?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but women who sleep around and footballers up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Liverpool."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Jacob aged 92 , and Rebecca aged 89 are getting married
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding , and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in .
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter , Are you the Owner
the pharmacist answers Yes.
Jacob : We are about to get married, Do you sell heart medication ?
Pharmacist says of course we do
Jacob asks , how about medicine for circulation
Pharmacist says .. all kinds
Jacob : medicine for rheumatism
Pharmacist : Definitely
Jacob: How about suppositories
Pharmacist : You Bet
Jacob : Medicine for memory problems , arthritis and alzheimers ?
Pharmacist : Yes , a large variety , the works
Jacob : What about vitamins , sleeping pills , Geritol , medicines for Parkinsons Disease ?
Pharmacist :Absolutely
Jacob : Things for heartburn and indigestion ?
Pharmacist : We sure do
Jacob : You sell wheelchairs , walkers and canes ?
Pharmacist : All Speeds and sizes
Jacob : Adult Diapers ?
Pharmacist : Sure do
Jacob : We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry
RoastLamb
29-08-2016, 13:03
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Crime in a multi storey car park?,
That's wrong on so many different levels
A fool sat up all night wondering where the sun had gone..
Suddenly it dawned on him
RoastLamb
12-09-2016, 10:57
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old... If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out. But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
RoastLamb
13-09-2016, 12:31
A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.
As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up and the chicken did, too!
They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!
Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway, leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
Doing the rounds on twitter. :big grin:
Tom from Spoons @SpoonsTom
Hi @nikestore I've bought these sports briefs and although I'm enjoying the freedom all the branding is upside down!
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CsPuNHVWIAA8Hya.jpg
What did the bra say to the top hat?
You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift
Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name?
It's so he's not called Ewar Woowar
What has 1 wheel, 2 legs and flys?
A wheelbarrow full of horse manure
RoastLamb
20-09-2016, 12:44
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp so you get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the pilings ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete and steel that would be needed!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy..."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
RoastLamb
21-09-2016, 12:50
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer ****** candle.'
RoastLamb
23-09-2016, 13:24
HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Probably a number too obscure for any of us to understand.
RoastLamb
24-09-2016, 12:37
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your horse phoned!"
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Probably a number too obscure for any of us to understand.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb has really got to want to change.
What has 1 wheel, 2 legs and flys?
A wheelbarrow full of horse manure
How do you get rid of flies in your kitchen?
Put that wheelbarrow in the lounge.
I'm quite sad that Les Misérables is the longest running Musical.
I thought 8 out of 10 people had seen cats?
RoastLamb
25-09-2016, 12:44
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb has really got to want to change.
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
2 - one to change the bulb and a second to observe how the bulb symbolises the incandescent beacon of subjectivity in the netherworld of cosmic nothingness
Q. How many social services staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to stand on chair or stool etc to actually change the bulb, one to hold the person on the chair and one to operate the lightswitch.
Actually not a joke its true.
Q. How many social services staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to stand on chair or stool etc to actually change the bulb, one to hold the person on the chair and one to operate the lightswitch.
Actually not a joke its true.
No wonder our Council Tax is as it is!!!
Q. How many social services staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to stand on chair or stool etc to actually change the bulb, one to hold the person on the chair and one to operate the lightswitch.
Actually not a joke its true.
Erm are you sure that using a stool/chair is within HSE guide lines?
My dad always said take everything with a pinch of salt..... Lovely bloke., made crap tea though.
Entitled And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man oh no... that must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
RoastLamb
26-09-2016, 12:27
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
JAMES4578
26-09-2016, 14:53
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, so she swam all the way back!
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about £50" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."
A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."
The smart-alec laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-alec said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
An elderly lady was sitting in her living room knitting when she heard a loud knock at the door.
When she opened the door there stood a young vacuum cleaner salesman who immediately started giving her his sales pitch and strongly urged the lady that he be allowed to demonstrate the amazing power of the new vacuum cleaner.
The elderly lady immediately responded with " I'm not interested and don't need one" and began to close the door on the salesman.
The young salesman abruptly stuck his foot in the door and pushed it back open and proceeded to throw a bucket of horse manure onto the carpet inside the door and stated " If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean all of this manure off of this carpet I will eat what's left.
The elderly lady replied "Just a moment, I'll go get you a fork" The salesman replied "Why?" to which the elderly lady replied "My electricity was cut off last week. I told you I didn't need one!"
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ..
But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a gay fella.
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
The Chocolate Calculator !!!
I was emailed this.....thought i'd share it!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ..
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1766 ..
If you haven't, add 1765.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
It works - that's amazing!!
JAMES4578
26-09-2016, 18:42
Somehow it does work,have seen a few similar ones throughout the years mind you.
Somehow it does work,have seen a few similar ones throughout the years mind you.
I had to adapt it as it won't work for any other year.
Try it.
RoastLamb
27-09-2016, 14:12
Brilliant!!!
RoastLamb
27-09-2016, 14:16
I didn't get the hypnotist joke tho'. :shamed:
I didn't get the hypnotist joke tho'. :shamed:
You are obviously much too refined RL!
I didn't get the hypnotist joke tho'. :shamed:
Errrrm?
"Crap!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
It would if they all did a No. 2 simultaneously.
as he requested, NOT!
Then again maybe Alis right. Much to refined.
Much to refined, unlike me! LOL
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
RoastLamb
27-09-2016, 21:40
You are obviously much too refined RL!
Errrrm?
"Crap!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
It would if they all did a No. 2 simultaneously.
as he requested, NOT!
Then again maybe Alis right. Much to refined.
Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Duh! :thanks:
RoastLamb
27-09-2016, 21:42
:lol: I had to read the aliens one a couple of times too. Oh dear...
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say "hello" from the other side
RoastLamb
01-10-2016, 12:53
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
RoastLamb
03-10-2016, 11:33
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder... It's 'Miracle Grow."
RoastLamb
05-10-2016, 11:47
Have you had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers now!
supergran
06-10-2016, 08:50
Loved the numbers one. It worked!
RoastLamb
07-10-2016, 13:53
OK you might have heard this one before but it's still pretty good...
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, 'Hello?'
'Is your Daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes', whispered the small voice.
'May I speak to him?'
The child whispered 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'
'Yes.'
'Well may I speak to her, then?' Again the small voice whispered 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,' came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked 'What's that noise?'
'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.
'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team has just landed a helicopter.'
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME!'
Old man says to the doctor ' i cant straighten my back'
Dr: "no wonder, your tie's caught in your zipper"
RoastLamb
09-10-2016, 11:25
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
RoastLamb
14-10-2016, 16:24
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Of course, you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Mods - please remove if it counts as political. Apologies in advance to our American friends.....!!!
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of silly girls).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
RoastLamb
15-10-2016, 11:34
I like #15 the best.
Love it - thanks, Teresa!
Love it - thanks, Teresa!ye you can't beat a bit if cultural imperialism ;)
RoastLamb
16-10-2016, 15:24
What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!"
RoastLamb
19-10-2016, 14:03
Marriage... A child's perspective
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
RoastLamb
20-10-2016, 11:55
One day a man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork... Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "Perfect! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
There is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
A final blaze of light and... he turns into a box of chocolates!
RoastLamb
21-10-2016, 12:27
Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl.
One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbour.
"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbour replied. "So does my husband."
RoastLamb
24-10-2016, 11:29
A housewife came home from shopping to see her husband holding a fly swatter while standing in the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Killing flies.”
“Did you get any?” she inquired.
“Yeah. Five. Three male and two female.”
“Wait a minute!”, said the wife. “How can you tell if flies are male or female?”
“Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”
RoastLamb
06-11-2016, 13:09
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
RoastLamb
27-11-2016, 16:40
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder... It's 'Miracle Grow."
One day a farmer was in town picking up supplies, first stop the hardware store, where he bought
an anvil and a bucket. Then on to the livestock dealer where he picked up two chickens and a goose.
However he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket carry that in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand. "Gee thanks said the old farmer" and off he went.
On his way home he was stopped by a little old lady who said she was lost and was trying to get to 412
Canyon Avenue. The farmer said "You're in luck it's on my way home, and I know a short cut down the ally"
The little old lady said "How do I know when we get to the ally you won't pin me up against the wall lift up
my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer replied "Jeez lady I'm carrying an anvil a bucket two chickens and a
goose, how the hell am I going to pin you up against the wall and ravish you?"
The little old lady replied " Set the goose down cover it with the bucket, put the anvil on top and I'll hold
the chickens."
RoastLamb
02-12-2016, 13:07
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20) You can't remember where you saw this list.
Walking into our local Nando's we was in a bit of rush and surprised to see it so busy.
Being frequent patrons and knowing the staff we had our table quite quickly.
As we took our seats we thanked the waitress to which she said with a cheeky grin,
" you're very welcome, just don't forget the tip"
Before I could reply she added "And don't say Don't eat yellow snow"
So I left her a hand written note saying:
"Don't buy tights off a mermaid"
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20) You can't remember where you saw this list.
Out at a dinner last night, the speaker said of an elderly friend of mine, that nowadays when he watches a blue movie he can't help thinking "That bed looks comfy, I wonder where they bought it"
supergran
03-12-2016, 11:41
So funny AllyB.:lol::lol:
RoastLamb
03-12-2016, 13:53
A man picked up a lamp and out popped a Genie. The Genie told the man he has only one wish. The man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he told the Genie.
“I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a week.”
The Genie granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches.
Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping.
Then drove home to put away the groceries. Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning the Genie, out of curiosity appeared to find out how it was. ”I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Genie replied, “I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”
RoastLamb
04-12-2016, 14:12
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he said, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
RoastLamb
06-12-2016, 13:43
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
RoastLamb
07-12-2016, 13:47
A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
There are some fun "memes" out there. :big grin:
http://i65.tinypic.com/ve9ikh.png
"Ok, Rafa and I will withdraw. Stan, you get him at a Grand Slam, and the rest we're leaving to you, Andy..."
http://i65.tinypic.com/mjqnwm.png
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CzQYZh8W8AAR_cQ.jpghttps://pbs.twimg.com/media/CzQOuipXgAEkhvM.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CzQOJX1XAAAL13a.jpg
I love it when a plan comes together. :shades:
http://i66.tinypic.com/fu2mhu.png
RoastLamb
11-12-2016, 13:46
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
@ Bardot - I love them:-)
RoastLamb
18-12-2016, 16:29
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
RoastLamb
20-12-2016, 13:44
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
RoastLamb
01-01-2017, 18:20
A woman goes to her priest with a problem: "Father," she told him, "I have two female parrots rescued from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they ever say is: 'Wanna have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" exclaims the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your parrots over to my house, and I will put them in with two male parrots whom I have taught to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase."
The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage.
The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine: "Hi, wanna have some some fun?"
One male parrot looked at the other male parrot and said: "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered."
RoastLamb
02-01-2017, 13:59
OK I had to read this one a few times before I got it...
A woman went to the Doctor’s office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
JAMES4578
02-01-2017, 14:38
I did get it straight away myself :)
Me too James! Made me snigger!
RoastLamb
09-01-2017, 14:40
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
If sometimes we think our work is meaningless just think..........
there is a bloke out there whose job is fitting BMW indicators.
Last time I went to the US I phoned sea world for tickets but had to say "jump through a hoop" and "do a flip!" before they put me through.......they said my call may be used for training porpoises.
I've just been diagnosed with a fear of giants.
I've got feefiphobia
(One for the kids)
Sallydaisy
29-01-2017, 18:16
I've just been diagnosed with a fear of giants.
I've got feefiphobia
(One for the kids)
Missing 'fum' ... devastated.
:sad:
My dad always said to take everything with a pinch of salt..... Lovely bloke., made crap tea though.
JAMES4578
31-01-2017, 19:15
My dad always said to take everything with a pinch of salt..... Lovely bloke., made crap tea though.
Haha, sure you've posted that one before though :)
Oh dear sorry.
I'll try again....
My wife told me at breakfast this morning that she was leaving me because of my twitter obsession.........
I nearly choked on my # brown
I felt suicidal after being cyber bullied.........
Then thought I'd just turn my laptop off.
Did you hear the one about top tennis stars taking steroids including a Hypocritical Sir Andrew of the Murrays?
http://tennispurist.blogspot.co.uk/2017/02/federers-fairy-tale-if-it-sounds-too.html
:rolling:
Or
:taz:
I run a website for depressed tennis players....servers are down.
The blue'est joke without swearing was by a certain Jiminy Crickett.
"Cm'ere see the L and R on my wellington's?
Now you see why women buy their Knickers from a certain gents out fitters"
Why are you supposed to bury a politician 100ft under?
Because deep down they are really good people
RoastLamb
21-02-2017, 13:57
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny, what these people are looking at is 60 years old... But the hat is BRAND NEW!"
RoastLamb
08-03-2017, 14:47
It's not my fault I have a double chin. When God was giving out chins I thought he said "Gin" so I said "I'll have a double".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REUKc83cZys
RoastLamb
13-04-2017, 12:33
In an elementary school lesson, a little girl in the class raised her hand and said: “I just learned that Jonah in the bible was swallowed by a whale.”
The teacher explained that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The girl did not believe him and replied, "I am almost certain Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
"I am telling you, it is not possible," replied the teacher.
The little girl raised her hand again. "My Sunday school teacher told me Jonah was swallowed by a whale and she would not lie to me.”
Frustrated, the teacher replied, "That is a 'story' from the bible, it is not factual, and I will not argue with you anymore."
After a little thought, the girl finally responded, "Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah myself".
In an attempt to fluster the little girl, the teacher replied, "What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?"
The girl quickly responded," OK, then YOU ask him."
It's a joke captain but not as we know it:
Final set tie breaks? When all your looking for is just one mini break!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZgUDgeQIvk
People are concerned about my brake fluid addiction..... but I can stop anytime I want
To the person who hid my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle.....
Grow up !!
6 stages of a project ...
Enthusiasm,
disillusionment,
panic,
search for the guilty ,
punishment for the innocent,
praise and glory for the none participants
RoastLamb
23-10-2017, 13:26
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To
To who?
I think you mean, "To whom!"
My dad always used to say 'first rule of theatre is always leave them wanting more'...
lovely man, useless anaesthetist.
Jez wanted to "have a talk"about my childish behaviour just now...
I managed to avoid it as she doesn't know the secret code to get into my treehouse...
Ah Kev, good to have you back! I've missed your jokes!!
I was sewing watches to the belt loops on my trousers for a whole evening and then I realised .....it was just a waist of time
groan
Welcome to my world lol :p
JAMES4578
11-01-2018, 00:44
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
-I went today, but not one person would stroke me.
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
Bob: "Holy schmoozes, I just fell off a 30 ft ladder."
Jim: "No way man, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah, luckily I was just on the first step."
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.
My SMS autocorrect just changed "I’m so concerned with existential anxieties it is difficult to breathe" to "I feel great".
Jerry said she was leaving last night because of my OCD.... I said fine, leave .....
...and shut the door five times on your way out
I've got CDO. It's like OCD, except all of the letters are in the right order.
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon.
Medical Charts
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on
patients’ medical charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
2. On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
33. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
35. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
36. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
37. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
38. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
39. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
40. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?....
Probably a number too obscure for you lot to understand
JAMES4578
11-01-2018, 19:19
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?....
Probably a number too obscure for you lot to understand
:) Sounds familiar Kev though certainly don't mind,keep them coming when you get the chance!
Maybe he ran out and went back to the start lol
I was going to apply for a job with Citroen last week but they wanted 2CVs.
Tried to get my jumper off but the buttons were stuck so tried to pull it over my head but it got stuck... in A&E now....
Waiting to see the cardyologist.....
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
No stopping you now Kev!! Keep 'em coming!
I had a bash at conducting an orchestra last night ..,,
It was more fun than I could shake a stick at !
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
2 - one to change the bulb and the other to observe how the bulb symbolises an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in the netherworld of cosmic nothingness
My wife is leaving me as she says I get too easily distracted during sex......
oh well, better get back to it I guess
Christmas Letter to radio 2
Dear whispering Bob Harris.......please turn your microphoen up, thanks
There are 2 types of people that I hate.....
Racists, and Norwegians
Venetian blinds win the award for best invention in human history ....
Without them it would be curtains for everyone
I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets...
and then it hit me
Sallydaisy
26-01-2018, 12:51
anyone live in Overripe Toilet Smell?
:whistle:
http://www.projectmapping.co.uk/Reviews/Resources/Rail%20map%20v25%20anagram.pdf
anyone live in Overripe Toilet Smell?
:whistle:
http://www.projectmapping.co.uk/Reviews/Resources/Rail%20map%20v25%20anagram.pdf
:rolling: took me a while to realise they were all anagrams.
Sallydaisy
26-01-2018, 13:39
:rolling: took me a while to realise they were all anagrams.
There's a clue in the web url .....
:shades:
There's a clue in the web url .....
:shades:
And in the heading on the pdf file but was too busy laughing at the names.
I walked out of my job at the helium ballon company because of my supervisor...
no one speaks to me in that tone of voice
Well Lynne and I are back safe and sound but we nearly didn't make it as on Saturday after loosing the doubles,
I had to ring down to hotel reception the conversation went thus:
"Hello Reception"
"yes we're in room 627 and you must send someone immediately my wife is trying to jump out of the window"
"I'm sorry sir but that's a private matter"
"Look mate the window is stuck fast and that's a maintenance issue"
https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26196007_1860164830671261_433062562028995093_n.jpg ?oh=a63dfa6d2e0819b20a5249de7397b8af&oe=5B14A7DA
Marriage is a lot like cards.
At the start all you need are two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
The door bell rang, I opened the door and a police man stood very stern in front of me with a picture in his hand.
And showing me the picture he said "is this your wife?"
I replied "yes it is officer"
He said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been involved in an accident"
I said, "I know, but she has a wonderful personality"
The amazing human body!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's eh, hem is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
My grandson asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!
blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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