Jokes Thread

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that….2:30 am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

:sofa:

Husband & his wife went for Divorce at court.
Judge : U have 3 kids...How will u divide them?
They had long discussion with his wife & said " Ok, sir We will come next year with 1 more"



Joke doesn't end here....
9 months later....They got twins.

Last time I went to the US I phoned sea world for tickets but had to say "jump through a hoop" and "do a flip!" before they put me through.......they said my call may be used for training porpoises.Yep

I went to a baptism where the priest faced the wrong way throughout.,,.,,,,,,,,,,,,

He was back to font !

I'm off to a metal working festival at the weekend - should be riveting

These are extracts from letters sent to various town councils:

'I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.'

'Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.'

'The lavatory seat is cracked - where do I stand?'

'I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.'

'The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.'

'Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.'

'I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 o'clock his cock wakes me up and it is getting too much.'

'The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.'

'Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third. so will you please send someone round to do something about it.'

'I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.'

'I have had the Clerk of Works in three times but still have no satisfaction.'






'

Where do you get Mercury from? - Hg Wells

Bought a can of fly spray from the shop today.

Sprayed it all over me and..........



Nope, still can't fly.

Whats Mr. Putin's favourite drink?

Red Bull.